It has come to my attention this week that everything I'm afraid of happening has happened. It's left me feeling like a victim, asking myself, "Why me? Why is life doing this to me?" It made me want to run away and hide, to get as far away from my fears as possible. And yet, there was still an element of life imposing itself on me. For instance, whenever I've heard loud music playing lately I've wanted to retreat into myself. I've cried so many tears of fear, pain, and victimization, dreaming of living in a soundproof bubble, not understanding where my power lies. Victimhood strips me of that power, but last week it all changed.
I'm not going to say, "Everything is better and I never feel like a victim now," but I will say I no longer identify quite so strongly with the victim place. Once I realized all of my fears have manifested I took a step back and said, "Wait a minute. This is happening because of me. Life is reacting to me, I'm not reacting to it! I am a powerful being and I am co-creating all of this!" And that has made all the difference; it's helped me to regain my power.
I love this picture of Nike, the goddess of victory, because it seems to both embody the victim (she has no head) and the victor (she’s still standing proud).
I had a sinking feeling last weekend would be horrible noise-wise because all the Berkeley students would have finished their finals and graduated. I was terrified there would be a loud party and that I wouldn't be able to sleep. That probably sounds silly, being terrified of noise, but when you've been as consistently sleep deprived as I've been, that's what happens. So the party. It happened. And instead of going into my fear and panic place, my crying, "Why is this happening to me? How can I make it stop?" place, I started repeating over and over again, "I am powerless over my need to control and my life is unmanageable." And then I started saying, "Everything is Brahma (aka, God, the universe, the supreme)." Once I got into a calm and centered place, realizing that no, actually I cannot fall asleep with loud and pulsing bass music — I finally called the police after asking my neighbors to turn down their music to no avail. Calling the police wasn't a reactive thing. It wasn't an angry, spiteful, or fearful thing. It was a, "This is the only plausible next right action. This is what has to happen," thing.
In that moment, my sense of empowerment and agency came back. I didn't feel like a victim anymore. I felt powerful because, you know, there are some things I cannot change and have to accept, like the hum of my refrigerator. But there are other things I do not; and hearing loud, pulsing bass music at 3 a.m. is one of them.
I've been afraid to work on manifesting because I haven't wanted to add more samskaras to my life (people in the West say karma). I haven't wanted to get weighed down by all my desires and so I've been manifesting from a place of a victim. But the point is I've still been manifesting. It happened even though I didn't want it to. As a victor, manifesting means surrendering my everything to the divine and trusting I will be taken care of, that all my needs will be met. It means the universe already knows everything I desire so I don't have to ask because instead I trust I will receive everything that's in my best interest. That I will be given anything and everything that's required so I may accomplish my life's purpose. In essence, it's taking my public declaration of trust a step further and saying, "Not only do I trust in my creator, but I trust everything I want and need for my spiritual growth will be given to me."
I dream of a world where we choose the victor over the victim. A world where we understand we are powerful beings who steer our lives. A world where we feel empowered by our choices and understand we always have a part to play in the events of our lives. A world where we realize we're manifesting everything and the best thing we can do is surrender it all and trust all of our needs will always be met.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.
My neigbhor's karaoke drives me pretty crazy. I don't have panic attacks, but I get intensly irritable at muffled neighboring music, just messes with my brian sometimes. Sonic interference.
Outside of that unrelated blurb, I get this victim feeling a lot. For a while I thought I was getting better, but I realized I was just having good days, and the truth was I hadn't really dealt with what was driving me mad all this time. It was guilt. Guilt always drives me, something I've done or haven't done, sticks to my soul like industrial glue. So I finally sent a message out to a friend I'd left in the dust a long time ago. She hasn't responded, but I realized that what drove us apart, while in the moment was justified, over time became a hangnail on my heart. Unresolved issue.
I realize all my problems have come out of this sheltered fear of the outside world. Fear to drive. Fear of other people. Fear to ask a girl a simple question, "would you like to get coffee (or beer …. or pot)?" Something so simple, that could lead to awesome things, cut off by overwhelming self-doubt from years of sheltering myself, addicted to some dream that may or may not happen.
And in truth, everything may or may not happen. Could die right now from a heart attack. Could die dropping someone off. Could get rejected from asking girls out for coffee over and over and over again. Everything can happen. Good and bad.
Your picture of Nike is perfect. We are all wounded beyond some repair. And we are all that much more victorious when we snap out of these fears. Freedom means fighting with ourselves as much as battling our external fears.
Anyway, sending that message to my friend, by itself, gave me some relief. I have burnt many bridges to go down a path of self-discovery, finding out who I really am underneath. And at the end I found myself at the same bridges I burned. The unresolved issue, tying to a deeper unresolved issue.
I don't read these often, but when I do, it's nice to see someone else going through internal transformations. I don't see many women expressing themselves in this way, so it's also pretty cool on that level. Right on, Rahda.
Wow. Thank you for sharing. I love that you're getting to the root of what's bugging you and trying to heal it. I really feel everything comes up so it may be healed. And I'm happy you get something out of these posts; sometimes I think it's enough to hear you're not alone.
Wow, what a powerful moment for you, Rebekah! What a miracle, a shift! To realize: wait a minute, how am I making myself a victim in this moment? That's when EVERYTHING changes. Wow, what an incredibly insightful moment. And maybe that party happened just for you to be able to realize that (and maybe for several other reasons in other people's stories, too, but you know…) 🙂
=) Thank you! I've heard it said many times, "Changed attitudes aid recovery (i.e. transformation). And what's helped even more is my recent realization that I don't need to be afraid of loud noises because I've already been sleep deprived for ages, so really, what am I so scared of?