All week I’ve been thinking about how people are complicated and contradictory. A person can be a mass murderer and an excellent dog parent. A man can beat his wife and act meek at work. A woman can preach love and kindness and be sharp and cutting with her inner circle. Instead of trying to puzzle out which side is the “real them,” my perspective is it’s all them.
Walt Whitman speaks to this in one of his poems when he writes, “Do I contradict myself? / Very well then I contradict myself, / (I am large, I contain multitudes.)” In therapy, this contradiction is recognized via the modality “Internal Family Systems,” also known as parts work. The traditional form of IFS categorizes the various parts of a person into three roles:
- Managers, who seek to control surroundings, manage emotions, and navigate tasks in daily life.
- Exiles, or parts that hold hurt, fear, and shame that are tucked away and hidden from conscious awareness.
- Firefighters, who seek to inhibit difficult emotions by any means necessary such as addiction.
Personally, I find those categories too limiting. For instance, I’ve done a lot of trauma and recovery work so the parts of me that hold hurt, fear, and shame are not exiled – they are seen, heard, and accepted. Regardless, what I appreciate about parts work is it recognizes how complex humans are – that we contradict ourselves and act in surprising ways. And instead of focusing on one part or another part, IFS emphasizes embracing all of it. IFS says the part of you that flies into a rage is just as much you as the part that weeps over a sunset. It’s ALL you.
We are everything. Photo by Austin Neill on Unsplash
Our society very much likes polarization and black-and-white thinking. “This person is a monster! This person is a saint! This thing is good! This thing is bad!” But that’s not true. Reality is nuanced. People are nuanced. You can be a little bit right and a little bit wrong AT THE SAME TIME! Baffling, right? But it’s true.
This is something I appreciate about my spiritual tradition – it emphasizes embracing everything. It doesn’t say this thing is an expression of an infinite loving consciousness but that thing is not. It doesn’t say, “You’re only allowed to feel happy and peaceful all the time.” No, my spiritual tradition says, “You’re human, you have instincts and emotions and we want you to feel those too. We want you to recognize those parts of you are also sacred and holy.”
Gorgeous, right? We practice viewing everything as sacred with something called madhuvidyá, which literally means “honey knowledge.” It’s a sort of magic wand that transforms your thinking when done well. My spiritual teacher says, “This madhuvidyá will pervade your exterior and interior with … [ecstasy] and will permanently alleviate all your afflictions. Then the ferocious jaws of [degeneration] cannot come and devour you. The glory of one and only one benign entity will shine forth to you from one and all objects.”
The practice of madhuvidyá says even this thing I don’t like or perhaps even hate is an expression of an infinite loving consciousness. Practicing madhuvidyá means I’m able to see beyond the surface of people, places, and things to witness their true form. I recognize everything is Brahma, Cosmic Consciousness, Source, the Universe, whatever name you have for it. And just as the universe is vast, complicated, and contradictory, people are too. As a reflection of Cosmic Consciousness, we contain multitudes.
I dream of a world where we understand people are not one way or another. A world where we recognize people have parts of themselves that get expressed at different times. A world where instead of thinking one part is real and another is false, we understand that all of it is true. A world where we remember that as reflections of Cosmic Consciousness, we contain multitudes.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I watched a reality TV show where every single contestant wanted to boot off one guy. He was inept, mooched off other people, annoyed everyone, and was consistently in the bottom two. I kept waiting for him to be eliminated but he wasn’t. That guy won the whole competition. It felt like such a fluke and reminded me of two sports stories.
In 2002 at the Salt Lake City Winter Olympics, speed skater Steven Bradbury lagged behind the other skaters by a large degree and was nowhere near placing in the top three. Then at the final lap, all of the top-four skaters crashed into one another. That let Bradbury literally glide into first place.
He went from dead last to winning the gold on a fluke. What happened to Bradbury was so incredible that his name has become an idiom. When someone stumbles their way into first place or success, it’s called, “Doing a Bradbury.”
Sometimes winning is about “luck.” Photo by Brands&People on Unsplash
The other sports story is Eric Moussambani’s from the 2000 Summer Olympics. He hails from Equatorial Guinea and entered the Olympics via a wild card. He had never seen an Olympic-sized swimming pool before the day of his heat and trained mostly in a lake. He swam the slowest time in Olympic history during his 100 m freestyle but he still won because both of his competitors were disqualified due to false starts. He didn’t advance to the next round but set a new personal best and a national record for his country.
All of these stories run counter to a popular narrative: That you only win and succeed if you’re the best. That’s not to discount Bradbury or Moussambani because they were Olympic athletes. Bradbury spent 14 years speed skating and suffered a life-threatening accident and a broken neck two years before his gold medal. Moussambani trained for hours and hours in a lake. Neither of these men were couch potatoes who walked off the street to compete in the Olympics. The reality TV show guy, well, he’s a different story. And yet with all of these men, something beyond their personal will and determination led to their victories.
Was it a fluke? Or was it something else? My spiritual teacher says there are no coincidences. Things don’t just “happen.” He says, “For each and every incident there is some cause.” We may or may not know the cause, but that doesn’t mean there isn’t one. He gives the example of an earthquake. Perhaps a huge stone took 10 million years to move from one place to another, but when it fell, the action took only a few seconds and caused the earth to shake. The cause took 10 million years to come to fruition but there was a cause for the earthquake.
When I witness these stories of “flukes,” “chance encounters,” and “luck,” I’m reminded if something is meant to be, it will happen. If it’s the Cosmic will, nothing can stop it. As someone who perpetually worries about the future, I take comfort in remembering what’s meant for me will not run past me – even if it seems the odds aren’t in my favor.
I dream of a world where we remember miracles happen all the time. A world where we understand there are no coincidences. A world where we recognize what is meant to happen to us, will. A world where we revel in supposed flukes, seeing them for the magical way the Divine Beloved enacts its will.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
As I’ve continued to process the devastation in North Carolina from the hurricane, what occurred to me is love is here, too. It’s the people who are helpers, but it’s more than that. Love is all around, holding us in good times and bad. It reminds me of an experience I had in 2017 when I had a vision of sinking to the bottom of the ocean floor and saw my spiritual teacher there with me. It inspired a poem:
I am there too
In the darkness and the mourning,
I am there too
In the somber and the despairing,
I am there too
In the heavy and the hopeless,
I am there too
I am there, with you
In the deepest depths and the lowest lows,
I am there, with you
Not one minute alone
Not one minute by yourself
I’m with you always
I am your truest Self
In my spiritual tradition, we say the Divine Beloved is everywhere and everything. There is no separation. The Divine is love and fear, light and dark. It’s not possible for some things to be God and others not to be because everything, everything is made of God-stuff. I get a reminder that love is everywhere every day. If you follow me on Instagram, you already know that I see hearts or the word love every day even if I don’t necessarily take a picture. For instance, on Friday, a teenager sat in front of me and what was shaved into their hair? A heart of course. I asked permission to take a photo but they either didn’t hear me or ignored me so that is a picture I don’t have.
I had literally hundreds of pictures to choose from but this one seemed the most appropriate. Photo taken by me.
Why do I see hearts every day? Number one because I look for them but number two it’s because I think the Divine Beloved wants to remind me and anyone who knows me that love. is. here. Love is always here. Love is holding us, cradling us, taking care of us in happy times, in sad times, in celebration, and sorrow.
There is nowhere we can go that love is not. That is why hell doesn’t exist in my spiritual tradition. My teacher said, “[S]piritual aspirants should never be unnecessarily worried about heaven and hell. If one does noble deeds or sings spiritual songs in hell, it is the bounden duty of the Lord of hell to be there, too, and thus it automatically ceases to be a hell. You can transform a hell into a heaven.”
We transform any hell into heaven by remembering the existence of love. That’s not to make light of hellish things, nor to encourage spiritual bypassing but once we process our feelings, can we remember a greater truth? Can we remember that love is here too?
I dream of a world where we feel our feelings and also understand the Divine Beloved is with us through thick and thin. A world where we realize love isn’t confined to happy and joyous places but also in the muck. A world where we realize no matter what is happening, love is here, too.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
It’s been heartbreaking for me to witness the news coming out of western North Carolina. I spent ages 6 to 12 just outside of Marshall and as an adult, many of my friends moved to the area and I’ve visited them. I’ve walked the streets that buckled under pressure from flooding. I’ve shopped at the businesses that no longer exist. Luckily everyone I know is safe but many of the people they know are not. Some families were literally washed away and drowned in a river that rose two stories.
The whole thing is tragic and I’ve cried many tears about it. All of that is true. But what’s also true is that quote from Fred Rogers who said, “When I was a boy and I would see scary things in the news, my mother would say to me, “Look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”
That’s happening in North Carolina. Volunteers are leading mules loaded with supplies into areas impassable by cars. The nonprofit BeLoved Asheville took 40 caravans of essential supplies in one day to areas where it was needed. An organization I’m connected to, Amurtel, is digging out homes, donating supplies, and providing hot meals. And then there are the smaller stories. The ones of neighbors letting people shower at their homes, charge their phones, or store their food because without electricity it will all spoil. There are helpers everywhere.
Helpers are everywhere. Photo by Marlis Trio Akbar on Unsplash
I’m getting choked up just thinking about it because it’s so touching. Often a natural disaster brings out the best in people. There’s a true spirit of coming together and helping one another. It reminds me of an African proverb I love that says, “If you want to go fast, go alone. If you want to go far, go together.” Exactly. At times like these, people enact that principle. They understand something my spiritual teacher says:
“One must not forget that collective welfare lies in individuals and individual welfare lies in collectivity. Without ensuring individual comforts through the proper provision of food, light, air, accommodation, and medical treatment, the welfare of the collective body can never be achieved. One will have to promote individual welfare motivated by the spirit of promoting collective welfare.”
Collective welfare is what we’re seeing in North Carolina right now. People who have more are giving to those who have less. Individuals and organizations are focused on meeting people’s basic needs. There are numerous helpers who you’ll likely not hear about on the news but they’re out there if you look for them.
I dream of a world where we hold the complexity of natural disasters. A world where we grieve all that happens while also recognizing the beauty and generosity that can come from them. A world where we understand that collective welfare lies in individuals and individual welfare lies in collectivity. A world where we not only look for the helpers but also become them.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.