I am very self-willful (some would say controlling) in that I want things to go a certain way. I want people to call me back when I want them to; I want the world to revolve around my needs. Train delays? Miscommunication? No good.
Thankfully, I no longer stay in my controlling state for long because I recognize the futility of it. Instead, I've allowed myself to surrender to the process. To give up my tight grip and accept life on life's terms.
Many of you know I'm currently in Washington, D.C. for a spell (three months or so). The reason I'm here is because if I'd continued with my way of life in San Francisco I would have had a nervous breakdown. I don't mean the tie-me-up-in-a-strait-jacket kind of nervous breakdown, I mean the my-nervous-system-is-so-shot-I-can-barely-function kind.
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| I aspire to be like this guy. |
It's only been a short time since I left SF but I can already feel the difference — I'm not in as much fear, I don't startle as easily, and I'm becoming more tolerant of noises. (More being the operative word here.)
I'm not sure what I want to express in this post except that it's important to let go of our wants sometimes in order to receive what we need. It would be very easy for me to lament I no longer live in San Francisco, to continue to compare my life here with the one I left behind, but then I miss out on all the good D.C. has to offer. The more I compare, the more I resist the flow of life. And the flow of life is taking me to good places. For one, I am incredibly blessed that my friends have made it easy to come back to the East Coast. It's been a smooth transition in that whenever I go to parties a whole roomful of people are excited to see me, and there's nothing sweeter than that.
There are so many benefits to being here for now, it's important for me to stay here now, meaning live where my feet are. I have no idea what the next few months will bring (I never do) but I find especially in uncertain times I need to surrender to the process. To give myself over to the divine mystery and accept there are forces at work that I don't fully understand. I don't have to have all the answers. I don't have to plan the minutia of my life. I only have to let go of my will to see all the options before me.
I dream of a world where we let go. A world where we give into the process of life. A world where we accept we don't always know what's best for us. A world where we take life as it comes and trust it will take us where we need to go next.
Another world is not only possible, it's probable.
This post has been a year in the making so it’s fitting it will be my last post of 2012 (probably). “Living in reality” has been the theme for me this year. There is so much I wanted to believe, so much I hoped for, that hasn’t come true. I’ve spent most of this year feeling heartbroken and sad because my fantasies came crashing down around my head. But that’s a good thing.
It’s a good thing because instead of being in denial, or waiting for the day xyz will happen, I’m addressing what’s here, now. Fantasy has been a huge part of my life. I used to get lost in my head dreaming about the future. It was my coping mechanism as a child and I needed it to survive. But now I’m an adult and it no longer serves me to fantasize because it means I miss out on all the good stuff that’s here before me. Living in reality means I’m no longer comparing what’s in front of me with the dream in my mind.
You might be perplexed reading this when my blog is called “Another World is Probable.” Isn’t my whole blog one big idealistic fantasy? No, it is not. My dreams for a new world may be somewhat of a fantasy but I see seeds of those dreams in the everyday world. There exists unconditional love and heroism in the here and now. I think of Victoria Soto who died while saving her students from a shooter. I think of the principal of Sandy Hook elementary school who also died trying to wrest the gun from the shooter. This is real life.
It’s tempting for sensitive souls and spiritualists to say, “Let’s pray about this and visualize a better world,” and have that be the end of it. I agree, let’s pray and visualize a better world, but let’s also do something. Let’s also invest in mental health care, let’s notice who’s around us and what they’re doing. Let’s listen to each other and take action when others are suffering. We can’t keep living in a fantasy about “the good ole days” or dreaming of the future when something a psychic predicted will come to pass. It doesn’t matter what life was like 50 years ago, or what it will be like 50 years ahead. What matters is reality. I’m not saying we should all start miring in the darkness, lamenting how awful things are. I’m suggesting we take stock of what’s before us and keep hoping for the best.
I would much rather acknowledge the good things in this world than fantasizing about something better. There are so many beautiful things in reality. People sacrificing their lives for someone else. Neighbors helping each other in time of need. Little children who squeal with delight when they see their favorite cup.
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| When I wrote about “children who squeal with delight when they see their favorite cup” I was thinking of this picture. So stinking cute! |
I’m not sure what I’m driving at except that I see the wisdom of accepting things as they are while also trying to change the things we can. I think maybe Howard Zinn sums it up best:
“An optimist isn’t necessarily a blithe, slightly sappy whistler in the dark of our time. To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places — and there are so many — where people behaved magnificently, this gives us energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction.”
But I think first and foremost this comes about by living in reality and seeing what’s here, now.
I dream of a world where we live in reality while also striving for something better. A world where we see the beauty of what is. A world where we celebrate our triumphs and lament our failures. A world where we live in the here and now while also seeing infinite possibilities for the future.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Where I am today is complete allowance of all that is. Not all of you will understand this blogpost, and that’s ok. It’s written for those of you it resonates with.
A few weeks ago I told my mom it’s a miracle I’m feeling my feelings. She said, “Rebekah, you’re human, so of course you’re feeling your feelings.” No. Not true. I have used everything to escape feeling my emotions – food, television, books, crushes – anything besides feeling them. The fact I’m now feeling my emotions really is a miracle. On Friday night I felt sad and lonely and a little crazy and instead of reaching for something to distract me, I just felt my feelings. I wanted to use affirmations, put a positive spin on all of it, but ultimately I allowed what was.
I am completely allowing myself to feel my feelings: good, bad, and ugly. I am no longer forcing myself to feel better or trying to hide parts of myself for fear others will judge me. Not just my feelings, but all parts of me. On Friday I even *gasp* went to the pool without shaving. It was perhaps the first time I walked into the pool completely unselfconscious. It was perhaps the first time in my life I allowed myself to be who I am in public without fear, without hesitation. Most of the time I’m only my true self when I feel it’s safe to do so: in the comfort of my home, with friends, at spiritual retreats. Friday was the first time it didn’t matter to me if I was being judged.
This all comes at a great time because I finished editing my book and I sent it to a professional copyeditor. I’m freaking out because that means someone else is going to read it! That probably sounds really funny because, um, when you write books you generally want people to read them. And furthermore I blog regularly about my personal life so why the commotion?
The commotion is Just a Girl From Kansas is not my blog. It’s much more personal. People are going to read my journal entries. They’re going to read my most intimate thoughts and feelings. They’re going to experience all the highs and lows I went through when I first moved to California and everything after that. It’s not a light and fluffy account. It’s my real life in its most raw form.
I’m scared because after this there is no more hiding. There is no pretending I’m a “normal” girl with a “perfect” life. All my crazy will be on display and how will people react? Except I’m not sure it matters all that much, because like I wrote a few weeks ago, those that mind don’t matter, and those who matter don’t mind. What it really comes down to is me. Allowing myself to be all that I am, allowing myself to be who I am without limits. Allowing all expressions of myself, allowing all parts of myself to exist and know they’re all ok. No one part is better than the other. Even my unpleasant feelings are acceptable. Even my sometimes-hairy legs are acceptable. I can allow all of it.
I dream of a world where we allow ourselves to be all that we can be. A world where we give ourselves permission to do so. A world where we show up for our lives and let things be what they are. A world where we love ourselves unconditionally, even the parts we don’t necessarily want the world to see. A world where we live in complete allowance knowing self-love is what matters the most.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Maybe it’s the perfectionist in me, but whenever something goes wrong in any of my relationships I assume it’s my fault. It’s because I’m weird or said the wrong thing or did the wrong thing. I am always to blame. Except. . .I’m not.
I had an encounter with a friend last week that showed me other people are to blame too. I’m not always the bad guy. Yeah, I “knew” other people had flaws but somehow they didn’t register because the really flawed people I don’t associate with. I somehow assumed everyone around me was near perfect because they didn’t club baby seals. My rose-colored glasses finally fell off when I looked at my friend and really saw him. He can be impulsive and live completely in the now, which means he doesn’t always think things through. A little part of me worries about typing that because, “What will my friend think?” but honestly he probably won’t think much because — it’s ok for me to not be “perfect” and it’s ok for other people to not be perfect as well. We’re human. We all have our character flaws. All of us. Even the really nice lovely people. Even those we cherish the most. So when I’m fighting with someone, no, I’m not solely to blame. No, I’m not the only one who makes mistakes. I’m not the only screw up in the room.
Other people have free will, other people are allowed to make choices and mess up, and yeah, that will affect me. No one else has all the answers or “acts perfectly” or has it all figured out. No one else has a manual for how to go through life. I thought they did, I felt like an alien invader, but now I realize everyone else is just trying to figure it out too. Some people put on a better show than others, but really everyone is just doing their best putting one foot in front of the other.
I guess I’m saying I finally understand relationships involve other people. (Duh Rebekah!) Other people are allowed to air their dirty laundry, to play out their character defects, to blunder through life. I don’t have to hold myself to a different standard, either higher or lower. People are going to be who they are and oftentimes it has nothing to do with me. I didn’t do anything wrong, I didn’t elicit a certain response. People are just. . .people.
I’m not conveying it very well but I feel such relief because I finally know my part in things, and it’s not everything. I finally understand how much is my stuff and how much is other people’s stuff. What a relief to not constantly take ownership of other people’s flaws! What a relief to acknowledge where I went wrong and where other people went wrong! Not with judgment but with acceptance. What a relief to say, “Oh, I see, they’re being impulsive, or acting out their control issues, or miring in entitlement,” or whatever and realize it’s theirs. To be living completely attuned to myself. What a gift.
I dream of a world where we can recognize people as people. A world where we understand everyone is doing their best, everyone has their character kinks they’re working on. A world where we understand what belongs to us and what belongs to other people. A world where we live on our side of the street, knowing it’s more than enough to take care of.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Right now my mom and my sister are in the kitchen preparing our Thanksgiving feast while I’m lying flat on my back in the bedroom keeping my foot propped up. You see my gimp status means I cannot help because I still can’t stand for long periods of time. The best I can do is sit in a chair at the table and cut things up. For someone who is used to helping out this is very humbling. You know what else is humbling? Having to ask for a wheelchair at the airport because the thought of walking from the ticket counter to my gate sounds overwhelming. The most humbling experience (thus far) though is when I called up a friend of mine in tears because I didn’t have enough food to eat and couldn’t go grocery shopping.
I am little Ms. Independent, do everything herself. Having to ask for help because I am literally incapacitated is knocking down my pride in a big way. I want to still be able to do all the things I normally do but I can’t. I have to accept I have certain limitations. I’m also seeing how I’m not meant to do everything myself. Even self-sufficient farmers from yesteryear had to trade for certain dry goods. No person can have everything and do everything themselves. That’s why trade was invented in the first place. That’s also why humans are social creatures. We are meant to live in communities. No person is an island and pretending otherwise only causes harm.
This sprain is teaching me about balance. About how I can neither be completely dependent nor completely independent. My sprain is teaching me about doing what I can do but then asking for help when I need it.
While I’m learning humility in reference to my physical world, I’m also learning about humility on a grander scale. I used to walk around in my everyday life thinking I knew what was up and that I could be in control of everything. I used to think I was completely autonomous and God/my higher power/brahma was this force outside of me that had much bigger problems to deal with than my love life or financial situation or body. God had to handle war and homelessness and global warming. But now I know God works through me as an instrument. That we’ll never experience deux ex machina. No great omnipotent being is going to swoop in and save us. We save ourselves. And how do we do that? By getting our pride out of the way.
I can only speak for myself but I know when I’m proud I’m closed off and think I know what’s best and that I’m fully capable of doing everything. But you know? I’m not. Nor am I meant to. I was put on this Earth with certain gifts bestowed to me by my higher power. Gifts I am meant to use. Other people also have gifts they are meant to use. When I’m proud I deny people the ability to use their gifts and in essence I thumb my nose at God and forsake the gifts He has given them.
In another way I’m depriving people of their ability to serve the Divine. As my beautiful and lovely friend said to me, “I like to treat people as if they were God in human form.” And she’s right. Because I am. Divinity resides within me as well as outside me. When my friends bring me groceries they are showing their love for God and for me. Pride is my way of blocking that love. Why would I want to do that?
I dream of a world where we can all put aside our pride. A world where we realize we all have certain gifts we are meant to share and no one is expected to be completely self-contained and self-sufficient. A world where we allow ourselves to give and receive love. A world where we ask for help when we need it. A world where we all learn the value of humility.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Today I’ve been thinking about giving in, not giving up, but giving in. My ankle? Still sprained. I’m still housebound, still unable to do simple things like grocery shopping, or clean my apartment or put my laundry away. The rabble-rouser in me is defiant and likes to pretend I can do those things anyway. Just strap on the ace bandage and hobble around with the cane and it will be fine. But it’s not. I try but am unable to finish because I can’t stand for that long. And I’ve quite possibly made my sprain worse by doing so.
So instead I’m giving in. I’m giving into the situation, to the fact I cannot do all the things I normally do. I’m giving into the Universe and calling up my friends to bring me groceries and they graciously comply. (Bless them.) I’m giving into the fact my apartment is going to be a mess for a while.
What I’m experiencing right now can also be applied more broadly in my life. I am quite often defiant and refuse to accept things as they are. This sprain is teaching me Divine Will Be Done. Seriously. The Universe will orchestrate a sprain to ensure I get the rest I otherwise wouldn’t give to myself. If something is supposed to happen, or needs to happen, it will happen, and me pretending otherwise only leaves me frustrated.
I guess I’m saying it’s easier to just give in. To give in to what is. To accept where I am and what’s going on.
In the New Age realm there’s a lot of talk about resistance, which is the opposite of giving in. Wayne Dyer mentions it. Abraham Hicks mentions it. Others I’m unaware of probably mention it too. I don’t necessarily think resistance is a bad thing because it just is what is, but I will say I am firmly in the belief if it has to the Universe will lay you flat on your back either literally or figuratively and to just go with it. Because eventually the force that creates worlds will be so strong your choices will be to either go with it or get dragged kicking and screaming.
I’m choosing to go with it.
The alternate title of this post could be “acceptance” because really that’s what I’m talking about. Accepting what is. Accepting my ankle hurts and I can’t go grocery shopping and my apartment is a wreck. Accepting my bed has become grand central station and I have to lie down all the time. That’s the way it is right now. I’d rather feel at peace about it than defiant and crazy. I’d rather feel serene than angry and frustrated. That to me is what acceptance is. Recognizing things are what they are and what they are is alright. When I accept, I invariably feel at peace because I’m no longer trying to change the situation. I’m just allowing it to be what it is.
I dream of a world where we feel acceptance for what lies before us. Where we let things be what they are because only then will we know peace. I dream of a world where we give in to what the Universe is conveying to us. Where we accept things as they are and take them one day at a time.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I sprained my ankle pretty badly last week. (It’s kind of a tragic story involving falling down the stairs, taxi cabs who wouldn’t stop for me, and walking a mile on an injury.) So I’m sitting at home and I’m feeling bored and restless and cranky. The most exciting part of my day is when I take the elevator one floor to my mailbox. It reminds me of another period of my life when I went through a similar thing.
I’m stressed but not stressed and I just feel like crying. I feel like I can’t do anything. And I wake up each day just wanting the day to be over because when it’s over I can relax and lose myself in television.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake.”
You may have noticed from reading this blog I’m all about the self-realization. The growth. The change. You may also have noticed I want to get there as quickly as possible. If I’m feeling bad I want to feel good. If I’m feeling crazy I want to feel sane. If I’m feeling scared I want to feel safe. And I want it all to happen immediately. The sooner the better, thanks.
For the past few weeks I’ve been writing about my higher power, redefining my concept as well as my relationship. The whole thing pivots on trust. I’m learning I can trust my higher power and I can put my faith in a power greater than myself. What’s funny is prior to a few weeks ago, I thought I was already doing that! I really thought I trusted my higher power implicitly but I obviously didn’t, otherwise I wouldn’t have lived with so much fear. Otherwise I wouldn’t have been so afraid of the future or what could happen to me.
I think about trust walks. How one person is blindfolded while the other leads him or her around. I think about when I used to do them at group gatherings. I slapped a blindfold on and had no trouble walking at a steady pace because I knew the person pulling my arm would tell me if I were going to run into a tree stump. I knew they wouldn’t let me trip and fall. Because I trusted them. That’s the kind of relationship I’d like to have with my higher power. Unending trust. Complete faith. Total confidence. But right now? I don’t.
I don’t and that’s ok. This week I’ve been sobbing on the phone to my parents and close friends about how I want to trust my higher power implicitly and “OMG why don’t I?? Why don’t I have that relationship yet?!? I want it right now!” I’ve felt upset because I don’t have the relationship I want just yet. (Oh look! It’s the virtue I’ve been trying to learn my whole life: patience!) I’ve felt upset because it seems like now that I know my higher power loves me unconditionally, only wants what’s best for me, wants me to experience joy, I “should” trust it. I “should” feel complete and utter faith. That’s where the title of this post comes in.
I’ve been trying to force myself to be somewhere I’m not and it only causes me pain and frustration. It only causes me to cry and wail. And that’s not working for me so I’m allowing myself to be where I am. To feel what I feel and know it’s all ok. Louise Hay has an affirmation that says, “I am at peace where I am. I accept my good knowing all my needs and desires will be fulfilled.” Yeah. I’m at peace where I am. Knowing my relationship with my higher power will evolve. Knowing in the infinity of life where I am all is perfect, whole and complete. Knowing growth happens at a right and proper pace. Knowing it’s still growth, it’s still progress even if it’s not as fast as I want it to be. I know I’ll get to where I want to be, it just takes a while.
I dream of a world where we all feel at peace where we are. Where we move steady on the path of self-realization but also accept the spot we’re in. A world where we know we’ll get to where we’re going in time and there’s no rush. A world where we allow ourselves to go through the process with ease and grace. A world where we let ourselves be where we are and love the place where’re in. A world where we feel at peace.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.