Maybe this concept has always existed and the internet just makes it easier to find, but there’s such a thing as “Wife School.” Here’s the opening paragraph of a Guardian article about it:
“A thirtysomething woman with the easy smile of your favorite neighbor sits in her earth-tone living room, natural light washing over a gray couch so long it could easily fit four children. The woman speaks of a friend, a married mother, who was frustrated that she had to constantly remind her germophile husband to wash his hands. Hearing this, the woman cautioned her friend: ‘I think it would be better for your entire family to get the black plague and die … than for you to continue treating your husband like a toddler by reminding him to wash his hands.’”
Wife School molds women into smiling, attentive, submissive wives. Contrast that with another form of femininity, that of a feral queen or a dark goddess. In Hindu traditions, Kali is one such deity. She is associated with death and destruction and is often depicted with a sword in one hand and a bloody head in another. So, not meek and submissive then.
This is very formal but the “queen” I imagine is not. Photo by Ashton Mullins on Unsplash
I should mention here that it would be easy to flatten Kali into a violent goddess, but that would be a caricature and not the whole truth, according to one author. Kali had multiple sides to her – fierce, protective, a divine mother, a dissolver of illusions. She’s multifaceted, just like women are.
We do a disservice when we try to pigeonhole anyone into a certain role. I think that’s why I like the idea of the “Feral Queen.” I don’t have anything to link to, no literature to pull from, but to me, the feral queen is a wild, uncontained woman. Someone who lets all sides of herself be known – not just the nice, polite ones. She sets boundaries, she expresses her authentic self, and she’s unafraid to fight for what she believes in. During this time when women’s rights are being stripped away left and right in the U.S., we don’t need more meek, submissive women. We need more feral queens, more dark goddesses.
There are some spiritual traditions that place men above women. I’m grateful that mine is not one of them. My spiritual teacher is adamant that men and women are equal. He said, “Until recently, there was a defective idea in all the corners and amongst all the groups of people on the earth, that males are blessed beings, and not females. In your family life, you know, you feel that the parents cannot have any sense of disparity in their mind regarding their sons and daughters. Both are equally important, both are equally loving. I said my sons and my daughters are just like two hands of mine. They are just like wings of a bird. A bird having one wing cannot fly.”
I don’t know about you, but I’d like to fly and I’d like society to fly. I don’t have any interest in reverse patriarchy with women treating men the way they’ve treated women. I have zero desire for men to suffer the way women have for centuries. I don’t want us to keep flapping around with one wing. I’d much rather that all genders learned to work together in harmony. And to me, that doesn’t happen unless we each learn to honor the feral queen within all of us.
I dream of a world where we understand no one is superior or inferior to anyone else. A world where we stop training people to be weak and submissive. A world where we recognize society works better when we’re all treated as equals. A world where we honor the feral queen.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I have a friend on facebook who utterly intrigues me. She’s a twinflame matchmaker who’s on a mission to help women become high healed priestesses and engage in their bli$$nesses (bliss + business). Her website, photos, and messages are awash with pink and all things girly. She talks a lot about healing the divine feminine and awakening the feminine energy which is in all of us — men and women alike.
Also, yesterday was the winter solstice here in the Northern Hemisphere. Another friend shared this picture and message: “Happy winter solstice! To the divine, sacred spirit of the feminine opening everything.”
I have no idea whether this is photoshopped or not.
What I’m saying is feminine energy has been on my mind. I’ve been thinking about what it means and noticing there’s been a distinct imbalance in my life, a skewing toward the masculine energy more than the feminine. It seems to me masculine energy is all about doing, acting, moving, while feminine energy is all about being, receiving, and stillness. Given the choice, I’d much rather “do.” Tell me the action to take and I will. Stillness, having patience, these are much harder for me but I’m being called to bring forth my feminine energy more and more.
On Wednesday, I had a conversation about fear and my therapist asked me what my typical response is. My typical response is to power through it. To rush through fear like a warrior charging into battle, but the warrior doesn’t always work for me because sometimes there’s no action to take. Sometimes all my fearful self wants is a hug, which means nurturing and caring for me. Calling forth my softer side.
I won’t say my softer side has been lying dormant — it hasn’t — but cultivating the feminine within me has been a process, an awakening of sorts. If you think about it, waking up requires more than opening your eyes — you also have to throw off the sheets and sidle out of bed. I opened up my eyes long ago, and now I’m stretching.
I guess I’m writing this post because I’m noticing the value of the feminine and I want to encourage other people to engage their softness too. I used to think soft meant weak, vulnerable, open to attack, but the more I’m dismantling my fear, the more I notice it takes a lot of courage to be soft, to be vulnerable, to nurture. And it doesn’t mean I have to be one way or another — sometimes the warrior is necessary, but so is the pink fuzzy blanket.
I also want to say here, in the past I might have berated myself for not being where I want, for not being “awake” already, but I’m noticing there’s deliciousness in waking up. There’s softness in the process. This is me encouraging you to be OK with where you are, to know whatever awakening you are going through it’s perfectly fine for it to be gentle, for you to not be finished with it yet. Savor where you are, you’ll be awake soon enough.
I dream of a world where we don’t rush the process. A world where we understand we wake up (metaphorically speaking) when we’re ready. A world where we value both the masculine and feminine side of ourselves. A world where we live in harmony with ourselves calling forth what is needed when it is needed.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.