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From Victim to Victor

It has come to my attention this week that everything I'm afraid of happening has happened. It's left me feeling like a victim, asking myself, "Why me? Why is life doing this to me?" It made me want to run away and hide, to get as far away from my fears as possible. And yet, there was still an element of life imposing itself on me. For instance, whenever I've heard loud music playing lately I've wanted to retreat into myself. I've cried so many tears of fear, pain, and victimization, dreaming of living in a soundproof bubble, not understanding where my power lies. Victimhood strips me of that power, but last week it all changed.

I'm not going to say, "Everything is better and I never feel like a victim now," but I will say I no longer identify quite so strongly with the victim place. Once I realized all of my fears have manifested I took a step back and said, "Wait a minute. This is happening because of me. Life is reacting to me, I'm not reacting to it! I am a powerful being and I am co-creating all of this!" And that has made all the difference; it's helped me to regain my power.


I love this picture of Nike, the goddess of victory, because it seems to both embody the victim (she has no head) and the victor (she’s still standing proud).

I had a sinking feeling last weekend would be horrible noise-wise because all the Berkeley students would have finished their finals and graduated. I was terrified there would be a loud party and that I wouldn't be able to sleep. That probably sounds silly, being terrified of noise, but when you've been as consistently sleep deprived as I've been, that's what happens. So the party. It happened. And instead of going into my fear and panic place, my crying, "Why is this happening to me? How can I make it stop?" place, I started repeating over and over again, "I am powerless over my need to control and my life is unmanageable." And then I started saying, "Everything is Brahma (aka, God, the universe, the supreme)." Once I got into a calm and centered place, realizing that no, actually I cannot fall asleep with loud and pulsing bass music — I finally called the police after asking my neighbors to turn down their music to no avail. Calling the police wasn't a reactive thing. It wasn't an angry, spiteful, or fearful thing. It was a, "This is the only plausible next right action. This is what has to happen," thing.

In that moment, my sense of empowerment and agency came back. I didn't feel like a victim anymore. I felt powerful because, you know, there are some things I cannot change and have to accept, like the hum of my refrigerator. But there are other things I do not; and hearing loud, pulsing bass music at 3 a.m. is one of them.

I've been afraid to work on manifesting because I haven't wanted to add more samskaras to my life (people in the West say karma). I haven't wanted to get weighed down by all my desires and so I've been manifesting from a place of a victim. But the point is I've still been manifesting. It happened even though I didn't want it to. As a victor, manifesting means surrendering my everything to the divine and trusting I will be taken care of, that all my needs will be met. It means the universe already knows everything I desire so I don't have to ask because instead I trust I will receive everything that's in my best interest. That I will be given anything and everything that's required so I may accomplish my life's purpose. In essence, it's taking my public declaration of trust a step further and saying, "Not only do I trust in my creator, but I trust everything I want and need for my spiritual growth will be given to me."

I dream of a world where we choose the victor over the victim. A world where we understand we are powerful beings who steer our lives. A world where we feel empowered by our choices and understand we always have a part to play in the events of our lives. A world where we realize we're manifesting everything and the best thing we can do is surrender it all and trust all of our needs will always be met.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

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Make Time Count

Because the universe always communicates with us, this week I've been receiving messages about healing my childhood stuff and really taking the time to set the course for who I want to be and where I want to go.

A friend posted on facebook the following video by Meg Jay on how 30 is not the new 20:

I love this video because it names what I've felt instinctually to be true: that our 20s set the course for the rest of our lives. They're like a plane just starting its ascent — it's so much easier to make a few adjustments at the beginning to ensure we end up in Bali than when we're just about to land in Bangladesh.

Even if you, personally, are not in your 20s, I'm sure you know someone who is who would benefit from the guidance Meg is imparting. There's this idea in the U.S. that somehow our 20s are trivial, that they're the time to wait tables in Buenos Aires and fall in love with all the wrong people because somehow it "doesn't count."

I love Meg's retort to that: there's a difference between exploration and procrastination. I agree wholeheartedly. To bring this back to me, what I sense about this time period is my person is being formed. My adult person. I know that what I'm doing now is determining how I will live and who I will spend time with. I'm building my identity capital by doing things that are important to me and I am picking my family. Even though I'm not married, I'm picking who I'll be in relation with, who I'll be an auntie to, who will be a part of my community.

I'm having some trouble articulating myself tonight because I'm quite tired, but her talk fires me up because it emphasizes to me there's no such thing as "later." What we do now defines our future. Her video emphasizes how important our 20s are and they're a point of power and change. I don't know how many times I've heard people say, "I wish I knew _____ when I was in my 20s." Let's make sure we don't have to say that again and let's make sure the 20-somethings in our lives hear such wisdom.

I dream of a world where we share the wisdom we know. A world where we realize the point of power is always in the now. A world where we make the most of all the time we have. A world where we embrace where we are yet make adjustments as needed.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

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This blogpost has been written subliminally probably a thousand times. The notion is one of my life's guiding principles, so after watching a television episode about this very subject, I decided it was high time I write a proper post.

One of the characters on the T.V. show said, "What if the universe doesn't send us signs? What if we're just seeing what we want to see? Maybe the universe has better things to do than send us signs." I can understand why this character would say that. Heck, I've said it myself, but primarily when things didn't turn out the way I wanted or expected them too.

It's been a hard lesson for me to learn, that the universe is still communicating with me, when I don't get what I want. A few years ago I feel head over heels in love with a man who did not return my affections. I was crushed for many reasons, but the biggest was that I had received so many freaking signs and messages about this dude. I started to question everything, whether the universe really did communicate with me, whether I made the whole thing up, whether I only saw what I wanted to.


A picture I took in Washington, D.C. You would think this photo was staged but it wasn't! The guy on the left really was pointing in the same direction as the sign of his own accord!

About a week ago, I wrote a poem for the first time in years. Through this poem I came to realize all the signs and messages I received about this guy were necessary and true. Because of my heartbreak I got sober, started living in reality, and have been able to heal parts of myself that desperately needed healing. And because the universe is always communicating with us, I came across the most perfect Rumi quote days after writing that poem:

“The wound is the place where the Light enters you.”  

Every time I find the perfect quote, run into a friend unexpectedly, see animals repeatedly in unusual places, etc. it's the universe communicating with me. And to be honest, I know when something is an authentic sign and when I'm trying to force it. A true sign will have a resonance in my heart. A true sign will give me the warm fuzzies. And a true sign will often appear in threes. It has been said there is a rule about threes and I find it to be true with signs as well.

I bring this all up because I think there's a belief we're separate from the world. That "the universe" is outside of us. That we're operating in different circles and why would the universe concern itself with the petty goings on of a mere person? The answer is: we're not separate. We are all cosmic stardust. We are the universe and the universe is us. So of course the universe is happy to play a part in our romantic lives because romantic love is one of the ways in which we experience the divine.

Rumi has another poem:

"The minute I heard my first love story,
I started looking for you, not knowing
how blind that was.
Lovers don't finally meet somewhere.
They're in each other all along.”  

My interpretation of that poem is that the love we seek is already within us and sometimes we require another person to act as a mirror (or maybe a shovel) to bring it out of us. That exquisite feeling though, that love, is the universe in my opinion. Why wouldn't the universe want to remind us of deep, abiding, unconditional love? To remind us what we're working toward? And if we're not separate from the universe, doesn't it make complete sense the external world would be a reflection of our interior one? So when we ask a question it will be answered?

I dream of a world where we pay attention to signs and messages. A world where we understand there are benevolent energies that want to help us, that are happy to communicate with us. A world where we tune in and see how the world is speaking to us.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

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Being Taken Care Of

I think I've written an iteration of this blogpost a thousand times, but I have to write what's true for me and this week it's been all about how the universe knows what I need even before I do sometimes.

I posted this on facebook a few days ago so many of you have already read this, but when I was in Washington, D.C. a few months ago somebody gave me a magnet. My reaction was, "Great. Like I need any more stuff." However, I kept it because I couldn't bring myself to throw it away.


When I typed “being taken care of” into google images this is what I found. It was too quirky to pass up.

On Tuesday, I moved into my sublet in Berkeley. It's a really cute apartment, but the guy I'm renting from is very minimalistic. There's no cheese grater, cookie sheet, hell, he didn't even leave me any pens. As I unpacked, I came across my magnet and I stuck it up on the bare refrigerator. As soon as the magnet touched the surface a wave of feeling swept over me. I choked up because I realized the magnet was given to me months in advance for this very moment when I would need it. To know the universe loves and supports me, in ways I don't even fathom yet, really touched me. To see that I'm being taken care of in even such a small way turned on the water works.

I love this story because I can extrapolate this small event for the bigger stuff. As I said, I'm subletting, so that means I still have to find a permanent place to live. (And permanent in this case means at least a year.) I have some anxiety about it because what I want seems nigh impossible: affordable, spacious, and in a good location? Most people would say I'd be lucky to have two of those things. To see how the universe is taking care of me in a very real way gives me hope that my beautiful apartment will also manifest. And it gives me hope I'll be taken care of in ways I can't even predict yet.

I dream of a world where we know we're all taken care of. A world where we know all of our needs will always be met even if the setup has to happen in advance. A world where we rest easy, joyous and free because we know the universe will always provide for us if we ask.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

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