The other day my higher power told me not to attend a Zoom meeting. But I felt like I should attend because it would be good for my novel writing, I’d skipped the previous week, etc. Within minutes of signing on, Zoom froze and kicked me out of the meeting. I tried again and the same thing happened. At that point, I laughed and said, “OK, fine. I won’t join this meeting.” (For all you practically minded people, I updated Zoom because as much as I wasn’t supposed to be at that meeting, I also recognize sometimes computers glitch.)
So often I think I know how things should go. I want to force my will and run the show. Everything would be fine if things would just go how I think they should. It’s the nature of being human – we all have wants and desires and we’re trained to go after them. But what we often forget is we are not doing all of this alone. I pulled an oracle card this morning and it said, “Look at everything in your life as an opportunity for communion, losing the need for self-centeredness, connecting to Source in a sacred, intimate way. You will not pray on your knees as a supplicant. You will engage the Great Goddess as a partner in co-creation, participating in the making of worlds.”
How does this picture relate? It doesn’t but it sure is pretty. Photo by Ajnabi Creation on Unsplash
We are co-creating with the universe and at the same time, I’ve seen over and over again if my will doesn’t align with the Cosmic will, things won’t happen. I’ll sign on to Zoom and get kicked off repeatedly, for instance. In my spiritual tradition, we say, “[W]hatever happens in this Universe of ours is nothing but an expression of Cosmic desire or Cosmic will. Neither can there be any volcanic eruption nor can any blade of grass move without [God’s] order. . .Living beings cannot do anything without [God’s] support; that is, when a human desire and [God’s] desire coincide, then only does the human desire become fruitful, otherwise it is a sure failure.”
That doesn’t mean we’re all puppets on a string, that we should lie around and wait for things to happen. Life is about movement, footwork is required, but there is such a thing as Cosmic will. And the trick, if you can call it that, is to align our will with the Cosmic will. In essence, we’re surrendering, we’re no longer fighting. When Zoom kicked me off again, I could have joined the meeting via my phone. I could have doubled down on my will, but I didn’t because I accepted that maybe my higher power wanted me to do something else.
Through my nonviolent communication training, I’ve learned one of the things I value tremendously, one of the things I want more of in my life, is ease. You know what doesn’t produce ease? Trying to force my will. But aligning with Cosmic will does. This isn’t always the case, but oftentimes that alignment feels like slipping into a stream and letting it carry me in the current. So much of life requires effort – cleaning, cooking, shopping, working. Why not let myself experience ease when and where I can? For me, that means recognizing it’s better when my will is not done.
I dream of a world where we understand there is such a thing as Cosmic will. A world where we remember if the universe doesn’t want something to happen, it won’t. A world where we surrender to a power greater than ourselves because we recognize that brings more ease and flow into our lives. A world where we remember many times it’s better if our will is not done.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
What follows is a repost from 10(!!) years ago so not all of the examples are relevant anymore. For instance, I no longer have a neighbor who plays loud music, nor am I waiting for my passport in the mail. I’m also far less anxious and melodramatic but the general wisdom about not spinning out and attaching a story to an emotion still applies. Enjoy.
I had a very interesting conversation this week with a friend. He said there’s a difference between feeling an emotion and attaching a story to it. For instance, I may be sad about losing a relationship, which is a natural emotion, but what makes it worse is the story I tell myself on top of it such as, “I’ll be alone for the rest of my life,” “No one will ever love me the same way,” etc. I can compound an emotional state by adding a story and really working myself into a tizzy.
What’s hard for me to do is let the emotion go through me. I’ve spent a good chunk of my life doing what I could to not feel, to avoid feeling my feelings at all costs, to keep them at bay because I was afraid of feeling the feeling. In my mind, it was better to not feel angry, sad, lonely, etc. in the first place. So now that I’m sober (i.e., actually feeling my feelings and not trying to numb out), I still have a hard time letting my emotions pass through me, precisely because I can drag them out by adding a story to them.
Can we let things move through us like the wind blowing grass? Photo by Abdallah Kokash on Unsplash
The emotion turns into a big dramatic thing. I make it so much worse by piling on untruths such as, “I’ll feel this way forever,” or, “Things will never change.” There’s a lot of “always” and “never” in my stories. And a whole lot of catastrophizing where I jump from, “My neighbor is playing loud music,” to, “Oh my God, I need to move somewhere else!”
I’ll admit that much of this has to do with the fact that I’m anxious and melodramatic. For those of you who aren’t, you probably can’t relate to what I’m writing about. But for those of you who can, I want to point out how these stories and the catastrophizing make the emotion so much worse than it has to be. If I allowed myself to feel my moments of grief or loneliness, they wouldn’t last NEARLY as long.
I’m not sure what to do about all this other than to make myself aware of it. My dear friend who’s a therapist often tells me that awareness alone can make a huge difference. Maybe by understanding that I tell myself a lot of false “truths” I can catch myself in the act and remind myself they’re not the case. Just because I’m scared about not receiving my passport on time to leave for Europe, doesn’t automatically mean my boss will get pissed and fire me and never send me to Europe again. Instead, it’s better for me to stay present with what is and acknowledge, yes, I’m anxious about my passport arriving in the mail, but that’s all I get to be anxious about because nothing else has happened.
It all comes down to being present, to paying attention to what’s in front of me, and not future tripping or spinning out about what could be. There are a million things that “could be,” and when I start attaching emotion to all those possibilities, that’s when I really get into trouble. Can I let it be what it is instead?
I dream of a world where we feel, process, and let go of what’s before us. A world where we stick with whatever emotion we’re feeling and not compound it by telling ourselves falsehoods. A world where we allow emotions to come in and emotions to go out, understanding the process can be fast or slow depending on how much extra stuff we throw in. A world where we just let things be what they are.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
As I made plans with friends the other day, I said, “I know my nap schedule makes meals and things harder to work with.” I’m a spoonie and don’t have a lot of health privilege. I have some but require a daily nap and don’t bounce back easily from stress. When I flew home from Chicago the other week, I slept 11 hours each day of the weekend and took 1.5-hour naps. For context, I usually sleep about eight or nine hours a night and nap for half an hour, max. But even on normal days, a nap is crucial.
When, where, and how I’ll be able to nap is at the forefront of my mind as I make plans with people. And my comment to my friends also reveals that I apologize for my body. In implicit and explicit ways, I say, “I’m sorry I’m like this. I wish things were different. Thank you for bearing with me.” I’m not engaging in what Sonya Renee Taylor dubs “radical self-love” in her book The Body is Not an Apology.
May we all make a promise to ourselves that we’ll stop apologizing for our bodies. Photo by Womanizer Toys on Unsplash
She says, “Concepts like self-acceptance and body neutrality are not without value. When you have spent your entire life at war with your body, these models offer a truce. But you can have more than a cease-fire. You can have radical self-love because you are already radical self-love.”
What she means is when we come into the world, we love our bodies. Babies are delighted by every part of their body. They look in the mirror and giggle or smile. No child starts off hating their body. That comes later when society barrages them with messages about how “wrong” they are for being too dark, too light, too tall, too short, too fat, too thin, too whatever. Or the converse: not enough. In our capitalistic, patriarchal, white supremacist society, there will always be something wrong with us because that’s how the systems keep running.
Under this toxic framework, which oftentimes feels overwhelming and permanent, it’s harder to blame a nameless, faceless system and instead, people turn inward and start blaming themselves. That’s when the apologizing begins. But Taylor asks some great questions: “What if we all became committed to the idea that no one should have to apologize for being a human in a body? … How might we change our lives? How might we change the world?”
I can think of lots of ways we’d change – like building wider airplane seats or ensuring every sidewalk corner has a curb cut. But on a more personal level, I can see how things could be different for me. In response to my body apology, my friends said, “Your nap schedule is not hard to work with at all! Honestly, it’s inspiring for both of us.” Their reply touched me deeply because the subtext was, “You’re not a burden. You’re OK just as you are. And we appreciate that you take care of yourself.”
It reminds me of that quote from the Buddha who said, “You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” That means my body too. Not when it’s more energetic or more closely aligned with my idea of perfection, but now. In this iteration. Here. I can’t say I know exactly how to radically love my body – I suspect continuing to read Taylor’s book will help – but what I can do is be unapologetic about my body and that feels like a good place to start.
I dream of a world where we remember society will always tell us there’s something wrong with us. A world where we understand we can opt out of those messages. A world where we stop apologizing for our bodies because we realize they’re already lovely just as they are. A world where we practice radical self-love and treat ourselves as the precious beings we already are.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I’m sharing this story to serve as a reminder for myself but also in case it’s helpful for anyone else. For months, things have been rough financially. I’ve watched my savings dwindle because the high-paying clients of yore disappeared. As a businesswoman, I’m probably not supposed to say that because people want to work with those who are successful and raking in the dough. Well, what can I say? I don’t know how to pretend.
Because of my financial situation, I’ve cried many tears and prayed my buns off, asking for help and guidance from the Divine Beloved. In March, while I was napping the name of a company came to me. I won’t share the whole story because I already wrote about it on my professional website but the short version is a CEO had asked me 3.5 years ago to write for him and I couldn’t at the time. After that nap, I reached out and he said, “I’d love to have you write for us.” The whole thing reminded me there’s a cosmic magician and that life can be surprising and delightful.
What a beautiful demonstration of nature’s abundance. Photo by Gustavo Quepón on Unsplash
As if to underscore that point about life being magical, Bank of America sent me a letter letting me know an inactive account contained some money. Would I like to claim it? Um, yes, I would. I seriously have no idea where the money came from or why I didn’t spend it years prior. But no matter! It came in just when I needed it.
The unexpected check from Bank of America reminds me that money can come from anywhere and that no client or job is my source. That’s also because my credit union told me this week some reward points are set to expire and would I like to redeem them for $125 in cashback? Ha! Yes, please!
So often I get tunnel vision and think if so-and-so hasn’t paid me yet that I’m screwed. If I don’t have X number of clients, I’m up the creek without a paddle. But that’s not true because the Divine Beloved is my source for all. The money doesn’t come from a job or a project. It comes from the energy that created everything. When I keep my focus on God, I’m open to possibilities and there is room for miracles to occur. I’m less attached to certain outcomes because I know my Higher Power can send things from the blue, like reconnecting with a business contact from my past, receiving a check from an inactive bank account, and telling me to cash in reward points.
The whole thing reminds me of what my spiritual teacher says about prayer, which is, “[Y]ou might ask for something very inferior, although you approach the All-Powerful for it. The best prayer is, therefore, ‘Oh Lord! Do whatever you think fit and best for me. I do not know in which way lies my good – You know.’”
Right now, I’m reminded just how true that is. The Divine Beloved knows what I need before I know I need or want it. I don’t always believe or remember that, but I’m hoping this post with multiple stories about money showing up right on time will reinforce the concept.
I dream of a world where we remember Cosmic Consciousness knows what we need before we do. A world where we trust that all true needs are always met in amazing ways. A world where we understand no person, place, thing, or situation is our source. A world where we remember the Divine Beloved is our source for all.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.