Joining with Another

I was invited to two weddings this weekend, so it seems only fitting to reshare this post on marriage that I wrote 10 years ago. Enjoy.

So often when I hear or see depictions of marriage, it’s about finding a companion to build a life with, someone you’ll love forever, your best friend, the person you’ll turn to in times of joy and sorrow. However, what I don’t often hear discussed is how marriage can enhance spiritual growth.

We get so caught up in the mushy-gushy stuff of marriage that we forget there’s another side. As was so aptly pointed out in a New York Times piece called “The Wedding Toast I’ll Never Give,” there will be times when a person will look at their spouse and feel only rage. That doesn’t mean the marriage is bad or wrong – it means it’s normal because a marriage isn’t a pleasure cruise.

I often paraphrase Marianne Williamson, who says, “Romantic relationships are like getting a PhD in spirituality.” What does that mean exactly? It means other people don’t exist to make me feel good; it means every person and every relationship is a teacher. All of them provide opportunities to bring me closer to the divine. And sometimes that means the other person serves as a mirror to reflect some painful truths. Things about myself I don’t like. Things about myself I wish I could change. Things in me that are still unhealed. But a marriage is a commitment to walk that sacred spiritual path together.

Marriage becomes about living your life in a “new way with a special type of responsibility,” as my spiritual teacher would say. In fact, the marriage oaths in my spiritual tradition state that each partner takes on the responsibility for their spouse’s food, clothes, education, medical care, etc. And also that the person will be vigilant to ensure their spouse’s mental and spiritual progress. The oaths are a genuine desire to take care of another person’s all-around welfare and growth. Marriage not only takes into account the other person’s needs, but also tries to help them along the spiritual path. The emphasis is not on the self, but on another.

Does that sound dry and kind of clinical? It’s not meant to be – there’s something special about romantic love, something almost magical. That matters. I’m not discounting pleasure or love; rather, there’s more to marriage than just love, at least from a spiritual perspective. Marriage isn’t about having someone warm your bed or keep you from feeling lonely. Marriage is about helping you grow as a person in good times and bad, whether that’s easy or hard. It’s about standing in the sacred fire of truth and saying, “I’ll stay and let myself be transformed.”

Joining with another person isn’t for the faint of heart. It requires courage, commitment, but also an understanding that the other person isn’t a dopamine patch. They aren’t there to “make you happy.” Rather, the other person is on a spiritual assignment to help you grow.

I dream of a world where we understand what it means to join with another from a spiritual perspective. A world where we revere love, but we also add something more to the mix. A world where we understand sometimes we’ll hate our partners but that’s normal. A world where we understand marriage isn’t about finding a person to bring us eternal happiness, but a person who aids us in moving closer to the divine.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.