I attended a friend’s wedding this weekend and so marriage is on my mind. Here is a post from nearly three years ago on the subject.
Marriage has been on my mind a lot because everyone and their mother (including mine) is trying to set me up. “He’s single, you’re single: It’s a match!” No one has actually said that to me, but that’s the impression I get based on who people are trying to set me up with. Now, I realize a single person writing about marriage is like a virgin writing about sex, but here I am anyway, fumbling about.
An aspect that I don’t hear discussed often about marriage is its ability to enhance spiritual growth. Usually, marriage is couched in terms of companionship, of having someone to start a family with, and just generally a partner in life that you love. Something else that seems to creep in from my outside perspective is this idea that someone else is responsible for a person’s feelings. That someone else is responsible for our happiness.
I take a different view of marriage than some I think.
I have a big problem with that way of thinking, because as was so aptly pointed out in a New York Times piece called “The Wedding Toast I’ll Never Give,” there will be times where a person will look at his or her spouse and feel only rage. Nobody else is responsible for my happiness and putting them in charge of it is only asking for trouble. I can speak from experience here because I used to make certain people my cocaine and that resulted in some of the most painful experiences of my life.
I often quote Marianne Williamson who says, “Romantic relationships are like getting a PhD in spirituality.” What does that mean exactly? It means other people don’t exist to make me feel good; it means every person and every relationship is a teacher. All of them provide opportunities to bring me closer to the divine. Marriage then becomes about living my life in a “new way with a special type of responsibility,” as my spiritual teacher would say.
In fact, the marriage oaths of my spiritual practices are that the person takes upon themselves the responsibility for their spouse’s food, clothes, education, medical care, etc. That the spouse will be vigilant to safeguard the other’s mental peace and ensure their mental progress, as well safeguarding the other’s spiritual progress. These oaths to me mean sincerely taking care of another person’s all-around welfare and growth. That marriage is about taking into account not only another person’s needs, but trying to help them along the spiritual path. The emphasis is not on the self, but on another.
Does that sound dry and kind of clinical? It’s not meant to be – there’s something special about romantic love, something almost magical, and mystical and that, too, is an important part of marriage. I’m not discounting pleasure or love here, I’m just saying there’s more to marriage than just love, at least from a spiritual perspective.
I guess what I’m doing here is trying to assuage my single self, to provide some comfort because it’s clear there’s no way I could be satisfied with any single guy who walked through my door, because whoever I marry needs to be someone that encourages me to grow mentally and spiritually. That marriage for me is not about having someone warm my bed or keep me from feeling lonely on a permanent basis. Love is important, but I’m looking for love plus something else.
I dream of a world where we all take a different view of marriage. A world where we revere love, but we also add something more to the mix. A world where we think about marriage in terms of aiding another in the form of the divine.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I found out recently in China if a woman is unmarried by age 27, she’s called “sheng nu,” or “leftover woman.” And if you’re 30 and unmarried? Forget it. Life’s over. That’s literally what these women are told. The whole thing makes my blood boil.
I think what pisses me off most of all is the notion that if a woman has a Master’s degree, or is successful in her field, or if she’s helping others and just generally being a good human, she’s still considered “less than” all because she doesn’t have a ring on her finger. Are you kidding me? When did our worth become defined by our relationship status? When did getting married become the most important metric?
It should be noted here I’m not anti-marriage. I’ve been to about 20 weddings in the past 10 years and am currently at one this weekend. I love weddings. I love marriage. But I do not love the idea that somehow a person is “left over” if they’re still single by a certain age. I say this to myself, too. There’s a part of me that asks, “What’s wrong with me that I’m still single?” I have imagined conversations with people justifying why I’m not married because even internally, I feel a twinge of shame that at my age, 32.5, I’m unmarried. However, hearing about these women in China who are harassed and shamed by their families on a regular basis for being single put me over the edge.
Some of us may never get here, or not get here by a certain age, and that’s OK.
This is not a post where I say there’s nothing wrong with being single, or that there’s a pot for every lid, that eventually we all meet our match. No. This is a post where I fume at patriarchy, which is the precise system that dictates a woman is worthless if she isn’t married. I realize some men feel this way too, but in articles about unmarried Chinese men, it’s couched as a supply issue – too few women – whereas in articles about Chinese women, it’s couched as some unfortunate mystery. That somehow it’s the woman’s fault she’s still single. That my friends, is patriarchy.
My spiritual teacher says, in society the value of a woman is not an iota less than that of a man. And furthermore, every human being is a divine child of God – both the unmarried and the married. That means I could be single until my dying days and my value would not be any less. That means I could be single forever and still do great and worthwhile things. My worth does not go up and down depending on my relationship status, and neither does yours.
I realize some people will still look at me and ask, “Why is she still single? What’s wrong with her?” I can’t do anything about that, but I can do something about my internal dialogue. I can remind myself I’m amazing with or without a partner. And I can do my part to extricate myself from a system that works to make me feel inferior because I’m single. I’m not inferior and neither is anyone else, regardless of their romantic situation.
I dream of a world where we realize our relationship status doesn’t define our value. A world where we recognize shaming people for being single is just another form of oppression, of subtly saying they’re only worth something if they’re attached to someone else. A world where we realize we are fantastic and amazing human beings whether we’re in a relationship or not.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Marriage has been on my mind a lot because everyone and their mother (including mine) is trying to set me up. “He’s single, you’re single: It’s a match!” No one has actually said that to me, but that’s the impression I get based on who people are trying to set me up with. Now, I realize a single person writing about marriage is like a virgin writing about sex, but here I am anyway, fumbling about.
An aspect that I don’t hear discussed often about marriage is its ability to enhance spiritual growth. Usually, marriage is couched in terms of companionship, of having someone to start a family with, and just generally a partner in life that you love. Something else that seems to creep in from my outside perspective is this idea that someone else is responsible for a person’s feelings. That someone else is responsible for our happiness.
I take a different view of marriage than some I think.
I have a big problem with that way of thinking, because as was so aptly pointed out in a New York Times piece called “The Wedding Toast I’ll Never Give,” there will be times where a person will look at his or her spouse and feel only rage. Nobody else is responsible for my happiness and putting them in charge of it is only asking for trouble. I can speak from experience here because I used to make certain people my cocaine and that resulted in some of the most painful experiences of my life.
I often quote Marianne Williamson who says, “Romantic relationships are like getting a PhD in spirituality.” What does that mean exactly? It means other people don’t exist to make me feel good; it means every person and every relationship is a teacher. All of them provide opportunities to bring me closer to the divine. Marriage then becomes about living my life in a “new way with a special type of responsibility,” as my spiritual teacher would say.
In fact, the marriage oaths of my spiritual practices are that the person takes upon themselves the responsibility for their spouse’s food, clothes, education, medical care, etc. That the spouse will be vigilant to safeguard the other’s mental peace and ensure their mental progress, as well safeguarding the other’s spiritual progress. These oaths to me mean sincerely taking care of another person’s all-around welfare and growth. That marriage is about taking into account not only another person’s needs, but trying to help them along the spiritual path. The emphasis is not on the self, but on another.
Does that sound dry and kind of clinical? It’s not meant to be – there’s something special about romantic love, something almost magical, and mystical and that, too, is an important part of marriage. I’m not discounting pleasure or love here, I’m just saying there’s more to marriage than just love, at least from a spiritual perspective.
I guess what I’m doing here is trying to assuage my single self, to provide some comfort because it’s clear there’s no way I could be satisfied with any single guy who walked through my door, because whoever I marry needs to be someone that can ensure I am progressing mentally and spiritually. That marriage for me is not about having someone warm my bed or keep me from feeling lonely on a permanent basis. Love is important, but I’m looking for love plus something else.
I dream of a world where we all take a different view of marriage. A world where we revere love, but we also add something more to the mix. A world where we think about marriage in terms of aiding another in the form of the divine.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
This afternoon I had the great privilege of attending a wedding. In some ways the theme this year seems to be weddings. Left and right friends and family members are getting engaged and married, and to be honest I’m inspired. I’m inspired because when I see the love transpiring from one person to another it melts my heart. When I see two people who say, “Yes, I commit myself to you. I’m ready to work out all of my issues on the day to day with you, I vow to ensure your all around progress in any way I can,” I know everything is right in the world.
I’m a sap. I admit it. But when two people find each other there’s something magical afoot. Out of all the people in the world, out of all of the possible combinations and relationships we go through with one another, to be able to say, “Yes, let’s get married,” that’s pretty special. It’s so uplifting to see that because the more we love one another, the more love there is in the world. It spills over into all aspects of life. There’s that saying, “Happy wife, happy life.” I think that’s pretty accurate but applies to both parties. This human experience is all about connection and bonding. When our relationships with others are good, we’re pretty happy, or at least that’s been the case with me.
I debated whether to include this or not but the following is the crux of why marriage inspires me. In my spiritual practices, when someone gets married these are the vows they take:
“I say on oath I take upon myself all the responsibility for his/her food, clothes, education, medical care, etc. from today. I will be vigilant in every way to safeguard his/her mental peace and ensure his/her mental progress from today. I will be vigilant in every way to safeguard his/her spiritual progress from today.”
And then the community says, “We say on oath that we are witnesses to this wedding. May we be helpful to the best of our capacity for the all-round progress of this newly married couple.”
There’s more to the ceremony than that, but the oaths are the gist of it. Maybe it’s because of the state of mind I’m in at the moment, but to have someone else say they are willing to do all those things for me, that they will take on responsibility for my physical, mental, and spiritual needs, seems pretty amazing. To find someone who wants to be my partner like that – wow. So when I witness weddings I get verklempt, as my friend would say. It’s inspirational to witness a partnership, a true coming together as one. To see out of love someone is willing to take responsibility for their partner. They are willing to serve someone else in a very real and intimate way. I can only hope one day the same will be true for me.
I dream of a world where we all feel supported. A world where we have a community to rely on. A world where we all have partners, romantic or not. A world where we know someone else (or multiple someone elses) is looking out for us. A world where we feel held, protected, and taken care of. A world where all our needs are met.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.