Into the Chrysalis

I write this blog for myself, but I also write it for others. So they know they aren’t alone. So they can glimpse into someone else’s life and have another reference point other than the “everything is great” highlight reel so often presented via social media. And I write it hoping others will find even a modicum of inspiration.

Last week, I wrote about a portal of transformation. How the grief I’m feeling is changing me into someone new. However, the reality is, I’m not a butterfly yet. Instead, I very much identify with the chrysalis stage.

From Scientific American, when the caterpillar forms the chrysalis, it digests itself, releasing enzymes to dissolve all of its tissues. “If you were to cut open a cocoon or chrysalis at just the right time, caterpillar soup would ooze out,” according to the article. The caterpillar completely dissolves. What it was before no longer exists.

But what’s also interesting is the transformation process isn’t a chaotic, random thing. There’s some guidance in the form of imaginal discs, like a blueprint of what’s to come. Before hatching, when a caterpillar is still developing inside its egg, it grows an imaginal disc for each of the adult body parts it will need as a mature butterfly or moth. There are discs for its eyes, wings, legs, etc. “Once a caterpillar has disintegrated all of its tissues except for the imaginal discs, those discs use the protein-rich soup all around them to fuel the rapid cell division required to form the wings, antennae, legs, eyes, genitals and all the other features of an adult butterfly or moth,” according to the article.

And while the process isn’t painful because caterpillars don’t have those nerve receptors, the final act of emerging from the chrysalis is physically demanding, and crucial for the butterfly’s survival. The physical act of bursting forth from the chrysalis helps pump fluid into the wings, strengthening them for flight. And if the butterfly doesn’t go through that challenging process, its wings will be deformed. It will have trouble flying for the rest of its life.

As I’m going through my own challenges, I take heart in knowing everything I’m experiencing is fuel for something else, something better. And indeed, that’s also something my spiritual teacher says:

“Can we achieve honor, status and other things that we want in this material world without a struggle? And when we consider our aspiration for development and advancement in the mental world, that also cannot be brought about without a struggle. That is why, everywhere, whether in the crude or subtle sphere, struggle is the essence of life.”

I often rail against this because I want life to be comfortable, easy. But, well, apparently that’s not what I signed up for. And if I’m really honest, at my core, I want to advance. I have aspirations to go ever higher and that means clash, conflict, and struggle. To quote my spiritual teacher again, “Whenever there is clash or conflict within any structure, whether subtle or crude, it acquires subtlety. This applies to both psychic clash and physical clash. The more subtle the crude mind becomes as a result of internal clash, the greater its spiritual awakening.”

I recognize every deeply painful process is a part of my spiritual awakening, is a part of my evolution. And while I’m still in the chrysalis stage, I take heart that eventually I will emerge as a butterfly.

I dream of a world where we understand that to become someone new, we have to dissolve who we were. A world where we recognize the process isn’t chaotic and disorganized, no matter how it may look. A world where we understand that challenge is what allows for evolution. And at the same time, we accept that sometimes we have to be in the chrysalis.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.