It’s funny how the body remembers things and conjures up memories for us – right now I’m reminded exactly 13 years ago I was in Europe for a New Year’s retreat. I haven’t thought about that trip in years. I think it’s coming up now not only because of the date, but also due to my emotional landscape. I’m in a liminal space where I’ve left something behind, but I’m not yet fully in the something new, which if you think about it encapsulates this year. This is the last week of 2020, which we’re all ready to put behind us, but we’re not yet in 2021.
How does this relate to my trip to Europe in 2007? It was a time of my life when I was so ready to move to San Francisco but hadn’t yet. It was a period I had so much trepidation about the future and no idea how everything would work out, or even if it would. Plus, the trip itself was filled with lots of anxiety as I had numerous “near misses” and “almosts.” I flew into London first so I could travel to the retreat site in Sweden with people I knew. En route to Sweden, first my bus didn’t come when it was supposed to, and then the doors didn’t open at my stop. When I moved further up the bus to the open doors, they shut in my face. That meant I was late getting to the airport and worried I would miss my flight, which would defeat the entire purpose of traveling to London in the first place.
This is a picture of a post office in France. Photo credit: Moi.
I didn’t miss my flight, somehow I made it in the nick of time. Everything worked out. And that was the theme of the entire trip. During the retreat I became ill, but there was an acupuncturist onsite who gave me a treatment. On the way back to London, I traveled alone. I made a pitstop in a Swedish grocery store and went up to a random woman and asked her to translate ingredients into English for me, which she did. I took a side trip to France and had a minute to spare before they closed check in for the EuroStar, which is a train that shuttles people from London to Paris. I stayed with an acquaintance in Paris but she neglected to give me her apartment number and I couldn’t reach her to ask for it, so I literally knocked on every door of the apartment building trying to find her. An apartment building without an elevator, I might add.
That trip was not all sunshine and roses. At the time I hated every mishap and near mishap, but now I laugh and shake my head. Now, I feel gratitude that despite the hardships, everything worked out. I was OK, I was taken care of, help showed up when I needed it. That’s what 2020 was for me as well: not all sunshine and roses but I was OK, I was taken care of, help showed up when I needed it. Instead of tossing this year away like worn out wrapping paper, I’m grateful for the lessons I learned, the friendships I deepened, and the grace I received.
According to my spiritual practices, God/the universe/Brahma/Cosmic Consciousness, whatever name you want to use, loves us unconditionally. Wants the best for us. Wants us to be happy, joyous, and free. The God of my understanding is not Santa Claus and doesn’t do things to punish us. Everything happens for our benefit, even the hard stuff. When I look back at my trip to Europe 13 years ago, I know that’s true. Because while this post focused on the hardships, in that trip I learned important things about myself, like I could never live in Europe and that I can navigate a foreign country on my own without speaking the language. Plus, I met people who changed the trajectory of my life.
When I think back to my trip, I’m reminded I can feel afraid and still show up for myself. I’m reminded even when things are hard, I can still muddle through. And that’s a lesson I think we all learned this year.
I dream of a world where we realize how strong we truly are. A world where we recognize we show up for life even when it is hard, even if it takes us a while. A world where we’re proud of ourselves for our courage and tenacity. A world where we realize there’s magic in the muck.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
So this week I’ve been in a funk. A part of me doesn’t even want to admit that because all I want to project is love and light and positivity out into the world. And the perfectionist side of me doesn’t want other people to know I get cranky sometimes (the horror!). What I realize though is this is an opportunity to love myself even further, even more deeply.
I think for a long time I’ve wanted to separate myself into parts. There’s the happy part, the sad part, the angry part, the fun part, etc. I’ve been placing a value judgment on the facets of my personality. Some aspects are “better” than others and so I should squirrel away the ones I don’t like, or so I thought. Being in this weird funk has shown me I am all my parts. I cannot be separated into different me’s – I am one and indivisible. The cranky person, the petulant person, the joyful person, the playful person – they are all me and no one emotion is better or worse than another. Every feeling falls in the emotional spectrum and each one is precious. They are indications I’m alive. And human life is a blessing.
By denying a certain side exists I only succeed in harming myself because it’s my way of saying, “This emotion is no good, I don’t like this part of me, I’m going to pretend it doesn’t exist.” In truth I am a divine child of God no matter what I’m feeling, no matter what I’m doing, no matter what I’m saying. God loves me at all times – when I’m fearful, when I’m spiteful, when I’m whiny – why can’t I extend the same courtesy to myself?
A few weeks ago I wrote a poem from God’s perspective about recognizing our magnificence and a part of the poem goes like this:
Love yourself the way I love you.
May you realize who you are so others may walk with you.
May you realize your own divinity so others may join you.
You are God’s child, perfect as you are, encased in love.
From your depths others will rise
So listen to your inner voice
And let your brightness shine through.
You are a great and magnificent divine being,
You are powerful beyond measure.
You are on this Earth so I may love you. Let me love me.
Love yourself the way I love you, unconditionally and eternally.
I suppose what I’m learning now is to love myself the way God loves me. To see myself through God’s eyes. To love all parts of myself, even the ones I want to pretend don’t exist. It’s funny that this should be such a process, it seems like loving yourself unconditionally would be the easiest thing in the world! I love my weird funky mood because it’s still a part of me. And I have that same wish for others.
I dream of a world where we all love all parts of ourselves unconditionally. Where we accept ourselves as we are right now. Where we allow ourselves to feel all emotions without judgment. Where we love ourselves the way God loves us. Where we rejoice in life. Where we allow our bad moods to come in and out like clouds floating by. Where we can be in a funk and know that’s ok. We are the full expressions of beauty and love in life just the same.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.