I know this is kind of gross, so don’t say I didn’t warn you, but my body’s response to pretty much everything is to throw up. Too tired? Throw up! Fearful? Throw up! Anxious? Throw up! Overstimulated? Throw up! You get the picture. (Some of you have even been witness to this phenomenon.) Why am I bringing this up? Because normally I try to suppress the nausea. Normally I try to do everything in my power to keep from vomiting – lying down, running my hand under cold water, EFT, affirmations, falun dafa. I try to do everything except let myself express what my body wants to express.
On Sunday I felt the urge to throw up. For the first time ever I said, “Go ahead. If you have to throw up, you have to throw up. It’s not pleasant but you’ve done it before.” That one act changed everything. That one act uncapped a lid I’ve been clamping shut for a really long time.
Since then I’ve been feeling all the emotions I’ve been suppressing. All the anger, all the sadness, all the despair. I’ve been feeling the anxiety, the worry, the everything I wasn’t allowing myself to feel. By giving myself permission to throw up, thereby permission to no longer hold back, I unleashed a flood of emotions. It has been quite a purge. I felt anger, sadness and despair all in the course of a few hours. Then all my anxiety. Then all my guilt for things I perceived I did wrong during the year. Holy guacamole batman, it’s been intense.
Normally I hold back and suppress my emotions. I wait to cry until I’m alone. I hold my anger in until I get to my apartment. I keep it bottled up until I perceive it’s safe to feel. And you know? Sometimes I don’t even allow the full expression of the emotion. Lately I’ve been using new tools so I don’t even have to feel those feelings. “I feel bad! I want to feel better! Time to do some EFT!” or affirmations or listen to Abraham Hicks. Anything but feel dem feelings.
I’m almost embarrassed to admit this, but the other reason I’ve been suppressing anger/sadness/despair, is according to Abraham Hicks, when you feel those things you’re the furthest from getting what you want. When you feel hopeful that’s when you’re really close to getting what you desire. So what have I been doing? I’ve been working myself into a hopeful state! I want what I want immediately so let’s do everything in my power to Make. It. Happen! No really. Even though despair came up I would say to myself, “No, no, no, it’s not true. You’ll get what you want. Focus on how good it will feel when it arrives.” People, the depths of my controlling nature, I tell you. Looking at it in another way, my level of determination is astounding. I mean seriously. I’ll do absolutely anything to get what I want.
Anyway, those feelings were not getting expressed, but they were still there. Emotions are a form of energy and energy wants to move. It’s the nature of energy. By burying them I caused myself to want to throw up because they have to get out somehow.
You might be thinking, “That’s great Rebekah. Thanks for sharing. Why do I care?” Maybe you don’t, or won’t. All I can tell you is I’d much rather feel pissed off in the moment rather than months later when it comes out in a tsunami. Because seriously? The emotional purge I’ve gone through this week? It’s left me feeling strung out like a heroin junkie.
Lastly, even as I felt the lowest, deepest, darkest pits of emotion, I also felt relief. Relief that I could finally let go of everything I’d been holding onto. Relief I no longer had to suppress my feelings for fear of how others would react, or how the Universe would respond. Relief because I felt wiped clean of all the emotional gunk clogging up my system. Relief because I was free.
I dream of a world where we all feel our feelings as they come up, regardless of whether the setting is “appropriate” or not. I dream of world where we know it’s safe to feel the entire spectrum of our emotions. A world where we let the emotional energy move and flow. A world where we allow ourselves to experience the relief that comes from expression.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.