I’m just going to be honest. For the past couple of weeks I’ve been feeling sad and frustrated. I’ve been in the space of, “Where is blah di blah? Why isn’t it here yet? Why don’t I have it yet?” Then I want to slip into my fearful controlling place to “make” it happen. But that doesn’t work for me. It never has.
I dream of a world where we all allow ourselves to get what it is we want. A world where we know all our needs and desires will be fulfilled with time. A world where we understand life is about flow and movement and that means letting ourselves be carried. A world where we let ourselves dream big and know those dreams will come true if we let them.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
You may have noticed from reading this blog I’m all about the self-realization. The growth. The change. You may also have noticed I want to get there as quickly as possible. If I’m feeling bad I want to feel good. If I’m feeling crazy I want to feel sane. If I’m feeling scared I want to feel safe. And I want it all to happen immediately. The sooner the better, thanks.
For the past few weeks I’ve been writing about my higher power, redefining my concept as well as my relationship. The whole thing pivots on trust. I’m learning I can trust my higher power and I can put my faith in a power greater than myself. What’s funny is prior to a few weeks ago, I thought I was already doing that! I really thought I trusted my higher power implicitly but I obviously didn’t, otherwise I wouldn’t have lived with so much fear. Otherwise I wouldn’t have been so afraid of the future or what could happen to me.
I think about trust walks. How one person is blindfolded while the other leads him or her around. I think about when I used to do them at group gatherings. I slapped a blindfold on and had no trouble walking at a steady pace because I knew the person pulling my arm would tell me if I were going to run into a tree stump. I knew they wouldn’t let me trip and fall. Because I trusted them. That’s the kind of relationship I’d like to have with my higher power. Unending trust. Complete faith. Total confidence. But right now? I don’t.
I don’t and that’s ok. This week I’ve been sobbing on the phone to my parents and close friends about how I want to trust my higher power implicitly and “OMG why don’t I?? Why don’t I have that relationship yet?!? I want it right now!” I’ve felt upset because I don’t have the relationship I want just yet. (Oh look! It’s the virtue I’ve been trying to learn my whole life: patience!) I’ve felt upset because it seems like now that I know my higher power loves me unconditionally, only wants what’s best for me, wants me to experience joy, I “should” trust it. I “should” feel complete and utter faith. That’s where the title of this post comes in.
I’ve been trying to force myself to be somewhere I’m not and it only causes me pain and frustration. It only causes me to cry and wail. And that’s not working for me so I’m allowing myself to be where I am. To feel what I feel and know it’s all ok. Louise Hay has an affirmation that says, “I am at peace where I am. I accept my good knowing all my needs and desires will be fulfilled.” Yeah. I’m at peace where I am. Knowing my relationship with my higher power will evolve. Knowing in the infinity of life where I am all is perfect, whole and complete. Knowing growth happens at a right and proper pace. Knowing it’s still growth, it’s still progress even if it’s not as fast as I want it to be. I know I’ll get to where I want to be, it just takes a while.
I dream of a world where we all feel at peace where we are. Where we move steady on the path of self-realization but also accept the spot we’re in. A world where we know we’ll get to where we’re going in time and there’s no rush. A world where we allow ourselves to go through the process with ease and grace. A world where we let ourselves be where we are and love the place where’re in. A world where we feel at peace.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I had a conversation with a friend about this on Monday and it seems to be coming up for me as well so I figured it was worth a blogpost. My friend is looking for a place to live and she stumbled across a housing situation that seems like everything she’s been praying for. She said she’s scared to take it though because what if she loves it tremendously and then all of a sudden the whole thing falls apart? What if she experiences happiness unlike any she’s known and then her higher power decides to take it all away? I have that fear too.
I was all set to write a post about how it’s hard for me to accept the good things that come into my life. How it’s hard for me to say, “Ok God, I trust you.” How I’m scared to be in a relationship because what happens if it doesn’t work out? How will I bear that pain? But in even thinking about writing a post like that I felt a switch in my thinking. You know why? Because I deserve to rejoice in life and I accept all the pleasures life has to offer. Also my higher power is not out to get me or to punish me. My higher power wouldn’t say, “Here you go Rebekah. Here are all your dreams come to life,” and then turn around and take it all away from me to be mean. How does that serve anybody?
I realize everything that happens to me, everything is for my good. Is for my own growth and development. Every situation is to strip away all the layers of my ego, all the things that keep me locked in a place of separation from God. That means if my higher power were to take away a housing situation or a boyfriend or whatever, it’s for a damn good reason. It means there is some lesson that will take me to a higher, grander, more beautiful place. It means there is some lesson that will spur me on my path to enlightenment. There is nothing in my life that’s here to cause me undue suffering. There is nothing in my life that’s here to keep me miserable. Nothing.
I think about all the “bad” things that have happened to me like getting a crappy internship in London or not getting the job I really wanted in San Francisco. Looking back I see the good that came out of those situations. My terrible London internship was the first time I realized I would never be happy working for just some random publication, getting up and going to work in the morning. My terrible London internship was also the key moment I realized I wanted to use my words for good, for more than just making money.
The job I wanted so desperately in SF? It turns out if I got that job I would have been laid off. That entire magazine folded so really it’s quite lucky I’m working where I am.
I guess that’s what this post is about. Really synthesizing my new definition of a higher power. You know why? Because my higher power loves me. My higher power knows what’s in my best interest better than I do. My higher power wants me to experience joy and happiness and that means accepting the good things too. That means saying yes to an awesome relationship or an awesome living situation or an awesome job. That means saying yes to life, being unafraid because my higher power doesn’t take away things to spite me.
This is me saying I accept my good. I accept the good things coming into my life. I accept all the pleasures life has to offer. I accept and trust and believe my dreams will come true. And I also know if they don’t, that just means my higher power has something even better in store for me.
I dream of a world where we all feel it is safe for us to accept the good things in life. A world where we trust everything that happens is for our own self-realization. A world where we know the good things will stay in our lives as long as they serve us. A world where we know ultimately our higher power only wants us to be happy and that means accepting the good things that come our way.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
On Tuesday I said to a friend of mine one of my greatest fears is that I can’t trust my higher power. He said in response, “Sounds like you need to redefine your higher power.”
Whoa. He was right. I’ve been paying lip service to the idea of an unconditionally loving God/Brahma/the Universe/higher power, but if one of my fears is I can’t trust HP then obviously I need to look at what my concept of God is a little more.
What I mean to say is I’ve been afraid to trust my higher power, afraid my higher power is merely playing with me like a cat bats around a mouse. I’ve been afraid to trust and accept what my higher power has been saying to me. For instance, a few years ago I felt unsure whether or not moving to San Francisco would be in my best interest. I oscillated about it for months but my higher power sent me sign after sign, message after message about San Francisco. It was God’s way of saying, “Yes, Rebekah, this is what I want for you.” It was hard for me to accept that. Hard for me to swallow because, “What if my higher power is wrong? What if God is only playing with me and I move to San Francisco and it’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made?” Because there was a lack of trust on my end.
A part of me has held onto this belief God is the Great Punisher, or a Santa Claus figure. A part of me has held onto the belief God does certain things as retribution. To punish me for my sins, to reprimand me like a parent scolds a child. A teeny part of me has carried the notion God hates me. Bad things happen because God hates me. I didn’t get that job working for a travel magazine because God hates me.
Oy vey. Something doesn’t add up here. Either God loves me unconditionally and only wants what’s best for me or God is Santa Claus, putting coal in my stocking when I’m bad and giving me a Barbie when I’m good. Which is it?
I much prefer the unconditionally loving version, thanks. Because honestly, if life is about enlightenment, moksa, liberation, nirvana, becoming one with the Supreme, how does that work with a Santa Claus God? I know for me it only pushes me further away. If God is mean and cruel and spiteful I sure as heck don’t want to be united with God. I sure as heck don’t want to trust an entity like that. Therefore, God must be unconditionally loving and that means I can trust my higher power. It means it’s safe for me to do so. It means God will not pull the rug out from under me all of a sudden. It means God won’t say to me repeatedly, “Move to San Francisco, move to San Francisco. Oh wait, now that you’re there I’m going to abandon you.” It means accepting what my higher power is telling me. It means accepting all the good things in my life because God really wants me to be happy. It means God really does want my dreams to come true. It means when God says, “Rebekah, this is going to happen,” I can stop thinking there’s a catch. I can stop asking, “Really? Really?” Because I keep getting a resounding, “Yes.”
This is me saying because I believe in a kind loving God I can live without fear. Because I believe in a loving higher power I know I am safe, it is safe to be me. I know the future is nothing to be feared or controlled and the present is something to be enjoyed. Because I believe in an unconditionally loving entity, it is safe for me to trust and accept what’s being conveyed to me. God doesn’t “mess” with people because God would have no reason to. Messing with someone would only cause them to turn their back on God and how does that serve anyone? Instead God really does give us what we want even if it takes a while.
I dream of a world where we trust ourselves and we trust our higher power. A world where we know it’s safe to walk forward in life and to accept what’s being told to us. A world where we know we are loved unconditionally and that means being treated with love. A world where we accept the good things that come into our life because we know the universe only ever wants us to be happy.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I left work early on Monday because I was experiencing some physical pain. As I walked home I felt overcome with guilt, even though my pain was legitimate. I felt guilty because I’ve been putting myself above work recently, taking time off to deal with a pinched nerve or an illness or whatever, and I didn’t feel like I “should,” or that was the “right” way to do things.
Last week I wrote about taking care of the self, which I obviously believe in otherwise I wouldn’t have left work early, but the guilt, oh the guilt, that’s another story.
I have an ex-Catholic daddy and a Jewish momma so guilt is practically second nature to me. This is not to say every Jew or Catholic lays on the guilt but it certainly was the case in my household. (By the way, I’m not blaming my parents because everyone is the victim of a victim. It’s how they were raised and what they know and I don’t fault them in the least. But I can choose to not make guilt a part of my life.)
Guilt is a kind of coercion into certain behavior because if you feel bad you’ll act a certain way, the thinking goes. For instance, if I feel guilty about leaving work early, I won’t do it again. Except that’s not really true. I felt guilty but did it anyway, so in essence guilt is useless. Guilt only makes me feel bad.
Underpinning guilt I think are “shoulds” and “should nots.” As I walked home from work on Monday a litany of “shoulds” filled my head: “I should have stayed at work. I should have pushed through the pain. I shouldn’t have left. I shouldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t take so much time off,” etc. I felt guilty because I wasn’t following my shoulds.
Louise Hay says in “You Can Heal Your Life:”
“I believe should is one of the most damaging words in our language. Every time we use should, we are, in effect, saying “wrong.” Either we are wrong or we were wrong or we are going to be wrong. I don’t think we need more wrongs in our life. We need to have more freedom of choice. I would like to take the word should and remove it from the vocabulary forever. I’d replace it with the word could. Could gives us choice, and we are never wrong.”
I quite agree. What I’m realizing is there are no “mistakes,” only choices. There is no right or wrong, there is no perfect, there is no one way to be. Only choice. Only possibility. In essence guilt gives me the opposite message. Guilt tells me there is a right way and a wrong way and if I choose wrong, look out because the world is going to end and no one will love me and I’ll die alone in a shack in the middle of the woods and God will hate me forever and ever.
Oh wait.
I’ve felt guilty about many, many things, and as of yet the world hasn’t stopped spinning. I think it’s safe to say my acts of “wrongdoing” will not result in a catastrophic end to all humankind. So you know I don’t have to feel guilty anymore. In fact, I choose to not feel guilty anymore because instead I recognize my life is open and uninhibited. I recognize there are consequences for every action but fundamentally everything is a choice. Some choices I may like better than others but everything is a choice nonetheless. Thus “guilt” and “should” can vanish like vapor — I’d rather live in peace and harmony if you don’t mind.
I dream of a world where people recognize all the freedom to their lives. A world where people understand life is a series of choices and there are many ways of doing things and seeing things. A world where people give themselves a break and follow their intuition no matter what others say. A world where people take care of themselves and each other. A world where we live together in peace and harmony.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I used to believe I had to “conquer” my fears. I used to be of the mindset I had to squash doubt flat, or wrestle with my other issues until I won. That I had to assert my will and come out the victor. I realized a while ago that’s not the case at all.
In January I wrote a journal entry I’ve been meaning to share but haven’t yet:
Jan. 27, 2010
I realized tonight this fear is not mine, it doesn’t belong to me. I’ve been trying to take ownership of it. To claim it. To bust through it. To work around it. But it’s like a blind man getting caught tangled in a cloak. I’ve been trying to chew holes in it and rip it apart, but ultimately can’t get rid of it until I just take it off, recognizing it doesn’t belong to me. Because it doesn’t. There’s no use in trying to work with or tame fear – it can’t be tamed. Only released. It was never mine to begin with. It always belonged to God so I give it back to its rightful owner, where God can transmute it into love. That was never my responsibility. My only job was to let it go, to surrender.
While that particular journal entry was about fear I think it can apply to anything and everything. I don’t ever really “work through” my issues so much as release them. Some people would say to me, “Yes, but Rebekah, the only way to get rid of a fear like public speaking is to just go out and do it. Take a class and practice.” I would say let’s take a look at what’s really going on. What happens when we practice something like public speaking? We decide it’s not as scary as we thought. Because we’re doing what scares us, we realize it’s not so bad. We release the fear in our mind. So again, the point of power, the point of change, is in the mind, not the action.
Whenever I talk about surrender and release someone invariably says to me, “Yes but you still have to do stuff. You can’t just sit around.” Sometimes I think we confuse surrender and avoidance. Avoidance is fear-based. When I avoid something it’s because I’m afraid, I don’t want to do it, whatever. If I were to say, “I surrender my fear of public speaking,” and then refuse to speak in public whenever I’m given the opportunity, that’s not really surrendering the fear, is it? That’s avoidance.
Surrender means to release, to let go, to no longer fight. When I surrender fear and doubt I release them to love. I give them to infinite love. I no longer wrestle with them using my ego, or the willful part of me. The part of me that thinks I handle everything by myself, the part of me that thinks I am separate from everyone and everything else. Essentially the part of me that disconnects from all-pervasive love.
When I surrender, when I release, when I let go, I transcend all those issues. I transcend my little “I” and my little “I” issues and instead remember all is love. Instead I remember I am love incarnate.
I dream of a world where instead of “working” on our issues we just let them go. A world where we remember we are divine, magnificent beings and our true nature is love. A world where we see ourselves for who we really are – embodiments of love. A world where we transcend all that is unlike love and live in a place of peace and harmony.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Today I am tired. And crabby. And my hair is sticking up all over the place. But you know what? I love myself anyway. Even though I feel all those things, even though my physical appearance is not what I’d like, I still love myself. And that is practically a miracle. (Actually Marianne Williamson would say it is a miracle.)
In September I wrote a post on being in a funk but knowing God loves me anyway. Today I’m in a funk and I love myself anyway. Woohoo progress!
Several months ago I had a conversation with a friend of a friend and I told him it’s my wish everyone felt beautiful. He told me in no uncertain terms that was a horrible idea, and if everyone went around loving themselves and accepting themselves as they are, the world would be filled with fat and lazy people.
You know, I don’t blame him for thinking that way. I too used to think in order to become “perfect,” in order to realize my full potential, I had to criticize myself. Yell at myself for making mistakes. Chip away all the “bad” parts to get to the good. Because if I’m not critical how on Earth will I change?? How will I become better?? If I accept myself as I am that means I’m ok with being me and who I am right now is not ok!! I must be better!
The human mind is very simple. As you think, so you become. If you constantly think you’re not good enough, that you’re stupid, that you make mistakes, that’s precisely the reality you’ll create. Constant criticism means you’ll constantly find something to criticize.
Love on the other hand? Love allows us room to flourish. My friend’s friend worried if we all loved ourselves, thought of ourselves as beautiful just because we exist, we’d become hedonistic. We’d indulge every whim. That my friends? Is not self-love. Loving the self means taking loving care of the self. It means giving the self proper food and exercise and attention. Eating ice cream for breakfast, lunch and dinner is not self-love.
The crazy contrary thing about loving and accepting the self is that’s when change happens. With love I feel safe and secure. With love my control issues have slipped away. With love I’m releasing my fears. With love I feel more patient. With love I recognize when an issue is not mine. With love I’m able to remain more even keel in the face of adversity. With love my physical appearance has also changed. In short, with love I’ve become the person I always wanted to be.
I don’t know I’m articulating this well but I guess I mean to say I am more at ease with my life and who I am now because I love myself. Even when I make certain choices, I love myself. I love all parts of me. Every part is a divine expression of life no better or worse than the other.
I dream of a world where we love ourselves unconditionally. A world where we allow ourselves to thrive under the auspices of love. A world where we recognize ourselves for the divine, magnificent beings we are. Beings who experience a wide range of emotions and physical states. Beings who are love incarnate. I dream of a world where we come to know that, a world where we realize love is all there is.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I didn’t intend to write this today. If you read AWIP regularly you know I blog on Thursdays and today is Monday but here I am writing anyway. I’m writing because some things are coming up and I think it might be fruitful to share them.
On Saturday I hosted an EFT workshop through the meetup group I started as a real-life extension of this blog. (P.S. Thanks to everyone who attended!) Anyway, one of the attendees became really upset because I neglected to tell the group the event took place at a yoga studio and thus people would be sitting on the floor. It ended up being fine because not only does the studio have bolsters, yoga mats, blankets, and pillows, but there is also a bench and a few office chairs. So the attendee didn’t have to sit on the floor, it all worked out, but I am still feeling upset about it two days later.
What I’m doing is I’m punishing myself. I’m whipping myself for not telling people about the space even though I had the thought to do so. I’m beating myself up because, “I should have known better! Why didn’t I tell them! I’m a horrible person!” but really the event is a stand in for all the other mistakes I’ve made in my life. The incident is a stand in for when I cut in line seven years ago to hear the Dalai Lama speak at the National Cathedral. It’s a stand in for when my sister and I wrote letters to a pair of brothers when I was 12 (me asking to be friends, her to profess her crush) and the mother came up to me saying how inappropriate it was. The incident is a stand in for that one time in 5th grade when I changed the answers to my test as we went over it in class so I could make an A. The list goes on.
For me, whenever I make a mistake I always feel so bad about it – I blow it way out of proportion and then I try to rationalize it away by saying, “Well I didn’t know any better.” Or, “I did the best I could at the time.” Or, “We all make mistakes, I’m only human.” What I learned from the workshop this weekend is it’s important to acknowledge the mistake or bad feeling or whatever, so I can move past it.
Why am I writing this blogpost? I guess because the other thing I learned from the EFT workshop is to say to myself, “Even though I did/did not __________, I deeply and completely love and approve of and accept myself.” Somewhere in my life I picked up the message mistakes equals bad and how can you love a bad person?!?
As I write this I want to weep because it’s true – I really have been thinking the only way I deserve love is if I’m perfect. The past few months have produced cracks in that thinking but it’s there nonetheless, otherwise I wouldn’t still be upset I forgot to tell people they would be sitting on the floor. I also know this whole incident is an opportunity to expose this, to shine the light of day on something I’ve wanted to avoid. Because I am still deserving of self-love, no matter what I do, no matter what I say, no matter what I think. This isn’t license for me to run around harming people – I take a daily oath not to do so – but it is a license to allow myself to be human, to make mistakes and say, “I love you anyway.”
I dream of a world where we can all love ourselves unconditionally no matter what. Where we allow ourselves to make mistakes, to grow, to become masters. A world where we dust off all things that do not serve us so the diamond within may shine. A world where we can acknowledge our faults and not expect ourselves to be perfect. A world where we look in the mirror and say, “I love you no matter what.”
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
More than a week ago I wrote about releasing doubt. The thing is I’m still releasing it. And that’s ok. I previously wrote a post about spiraling up, about how the same issues keep coming up for us but we’re not in the same place we were before. In fact, it’s like we’re spiraling up a mountain. I guess I want to say I’m giving myself a break for not being over all my issues RIGHT THIS SECOND. Because sometimes things take a while. I’m human and I’ve lived in a certain reality where I felt things like fear, and doubt, and judgment for 25 years. So maybe it’s going to take more than one act of surrender and release to feel safe, trusting, and unconditionally loving. Maybe it’s going to take multiple times before the lesson sticks. It doesn’t make me a bad person or stupid or slow. I am who I am and I learn at the pace I learn. Sometimes it’s faster, sometimes it’s slower.
I think back to a conversation I had with a friend of mine a while ago and he said to me, “Life is about mastery. Learning a lesson and then applying it whenever fear comes up or doubt comes up. Because they will.” That makes complete sense, how life is about mastering lessons. It’s already applicable in something like playing an instrument. Most people have to practice a lot before they can play well. There are some people who can pick up a guitar and play like virtuosos after one lesson but those people are rare. Most of us have to practice. For most of us it takes time to become masters. Why would relinquishing fear/doubt/control/judgment/impatience be much different?
This is me saying I’m one of those people who take time to master a lesson. I’m one of those people who have to keep applying what I’ve learned. I’m one of those people who have to practice before I can rock out to Jimi Hendrix’s “The Star-Spangled Banner.” I think ultimately that’s what’s important – not how long it takes me to learn a lesson but that I learn it. And I will. Day by day, little by little, when my deep underlying issues crop up, I tap them away, I affirm them away, and ultimately I release them to love.
I dream of a world where we cut ourselves some slack for spiraling up. A world where we know sometimes things take time and that’s ok. A world where we unconditionally love ourselves no matter how long it takes for us to learn a lesson. A world where we recognize we are becoming masters in our own way and eventually we will all get there.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I think back to a conversation I had with a friend of mine roughly five years ago. She and I chatted on AIM about our respective boy troubles and I remember this moment of profundity when I said to her, “I think our search for relationships is really our quest for the divine.” I realized actually what I sought was divine love, a spiritual communion, unconditional love from an infinite source. And I kept looking for it externally in the arms of someone else when it already existed within me.
I don’t think my friend agreed with me but it brings me back to my realization the other night. I’ve been going on and on for the past few months about loving the self, about looking in the mirror and saying, “I love you,” but I’ve been downplaying the love from my higher power. The love that is always around me, unconditional, ever present.
The other night I felt such grace because I knew, “I am already loved.” I am loved for who I am in this moment. I don’t need to “seek” it. I don’t need to try to find it or run from person to person to see if they’ll give it to me. I already have it. Unconditionally. Eternally. My higher power loves me no matter what I do. No matter what I say. No matter what I feel. I don’t need to be a “good girl” or ace all my tests or lose 10 pounds. I am already loved just as I am.
I think of that scene in Bridget Jones’s Diary when Colin Firth says to Renee Zellweger, “I like you very much just as you are.” Rehashing it with her friends later they say, “Just as you are? Not thinner? Not cleverer? Not with slightly bigger breasts and a slightly smaller nose?” Renee shakes her head, “No.” Her friends are dumbfounded.
I think her friends are so perplexed because in our society we’re given the message we need to change in order to be loved. We need to be thinner, cleverer, prettier, whatever. (And often the messages are conflicting.) Rarely are we told, “I love you just as you are.” (Because honestly, if we were why would we need to buy so many things?)
It’s comforting and provides such peace to know I am loved unconditionally, and not just by my mother. There is a force out there that loves me more than I can even comprehend. But I’m willing to try. I’m willing to tap into the well of love that’s ever present and really feel it as much as I can.
I dream of a world where we feel unconditionally loved all the time. A world where we know we are magnificent just as we are. A world where we love ourselves and each other no matter what. A world where we experience true peace and comfort and serenity knowing we love ourselves and God loves us too. A world where love trumps all else.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.