I think I've written an iteration of this blogpost a thousand times, but I have to write what's true for me and this week it's been all about how the universe knows what I need even before I do sometimes.

I posted this on facebook a few days ago so many of you have already read this, but when I was in Washington, D.C. a few months ago somebody gave me a magnet. My reaction was, "Great. Like I need any more stuff." However, I kept it because I couldn't bring myself to throw it away.


When I typed “being taken care of” into google images this is what I found. It was too quirky to pass up.

On Tuesday, I moved into my sublet in Berkeley. It's a really cute apartment, but the guy I'm renting from is very minimalistic. There's no cheese grater, cookie sheet, hell, he didn't even leave me any pens. As I unpacked, I came across my magnet and I stuck it up on the bare refrigerator. As soon as the magnet touched the surface a wave of feeling swept over me. I choked up because I realized the magnet was given to me months in advance for this very moment when I would need it. To know the universe loves and supports me, in ways I don't even fathom yet, really touched me. To see that I'm being taken care of in even such a small way turned on the water works.

I love this story because I can extrapolate this small event for the bigger stuff. As I said, I'm subletting, so that means I still have to find a permanent place to live. (And permanent in this case means at least a year.) I have some anxiety about it because what I want seems nigh impossible: affordable, spacious, and in a good location? Most people would say I'd be lucky to have two of those things. To see how the universe is taking care of me in a very real way gives me hope that my beautiful apartment will also manifest. And it gives me hope I'll be taken care of in ways I can't even predict yet.

I dream of a world where we know we're all taken care of. A world where we know all of our needs will always be met even if the setup has to happen in advance. A world where we rest easy, joyous and free because we know the universe will always provide for us if we ask.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

May 5, 2013 | Posted in: need, trust, universe | Tags: | 2 Comments »

When I was in college I took a music appreciation class, which was held in a large auditorium, affording me the ability to easily overhear other people's conversations. One of the women, Caroline, caught my attention because her life sounded so magical. She relayed a story to a friend of hers that while traveling in a foreign country she had a music lesson. She lost the slip of paper with her teacher's address, had no way of contacting him, but took it on faith she would get to her music lesson without any trouble.

On her train ride over, the train lurched and Caroline stumbled into a seat where, guess who, her music teacher was sitting. The friend listening to this story shook her head and said, "Only you, Caroline."


Cool stuff seems to happen on trains.

When I heard this story I bristled with unknown-to-me envy. My first reaction was, "Pbbbt. I can't believe how flakey she sounds. She lost the piece of paper with her teacher's address and didn't have his telephone number?" But underneath that I was insanely envious because I wanted that. I wanted to be able to live a life of total and complete faith that I would be taken care of. That I didn't have to be in control all the time. That I could let go and not worry.

On Friday I spoke to my lifecoach about all this and he said, "Will you make the commitment to trust your higher power?" I hemmed and hawed, and said, "Can I commit to working on trusting my higher power?" He wasn't having it. "You can commit to whatever you want but you know and I both know what you really want is to be able to trust like that. And the only way to do so is to just trust." That is so not what I wanted to hear. I wanted to play it safe, to commit to wading in the pond instead of diving into it. But you know what? I'm tired.

I'm tired of fretting about my life and where I'll live. I'm tired of trying to always control all the outcomes of my life. I'm tired of constantly being "in charge." I'm tired of trying all the time. And I'm tired of living in fear of what's next. I want what I perceive Caroline has — faith and trust in the universe that everything will be OK without the need to worry all the time. I want to feel at ease in my life because I trust in a power greater than myself. I want to let go of my rigid control.

I don't really know how to do that but I'm pretty sure it starts with saying, "I commit to trusting my higher power." I'm pretty sure it starts with at least having the willingness to let some other force take care of it. I'm also sure it's important for me to write about this publicly so I can't take it back. So I can be held accountable. So when I'm flipping out I can remind myself or you can remind me that I committed to trusting the force that guides the stars.

I dream of a world where we all let go of our reins. A world where we take inspired action but we understand we don't need to micromanage our lives. A world where we trust everything will be OK in the end; and if it's not OK, it's not the end. A world where we say, "I can't handle this anymore. You take over."

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.  

March 24, 2013 | Posted in: surrender, trust | 4 Comments »

Right now I’m visiting a friend in upstate New York watching the sun fade behind the trees outside his window. It’s gorgeous here – snow covering the ground, trees littering the slopes, and mountains standing in the distance. My friend LOVES where he lives. He cannot sing his town's praises any higher otherwise his voice would crack. I understand the appeal – nature mixing with civilization, liberal attitudes, and a deep love of the environment. Seeing as how I'm a gypsy right now, I'm on the lookout for my new Home. I say it with a capital “H” because Home is not only the place I live – it's where I love, where I thrive, where I feel a sense of belonging. I am not satisfied living just anywhere – I have to fall in love with the place.


This is basically what I’ve been walking around in.

I'm experiencing a wee bit of mental anguish at the moment because I don't know where I'm going next. I don't know where my next Home will be. I don't know where my heart wants to reside. For someone who likes to plan in advance, this is an uncomfortable spot to be in.

While talking with my lifecoach on Thursday, I said to him, “I'm here, now, and I'm sure when I need to make a decision about where I'm living next, the universe will make that abundantly clear.” That message has become even more clear on this trip. You see, I want to want to live in upstate New York where my friend does – it's everything I could ask for, but the sentiment isn't there. My heart didn't open when I walked down the street. I didn't feel warm and tingly when we cruised through the countryside. Every moment on the first day of my visit I asked myself, “Could I live here? Do I want to live here? Do I see myself here?” The answer was, “No.”

I'm pretty sure I'm going back to California in April because it's the only place that still has my heart (you are welcome to start singing, “I left my heart in San Francisco,” now), but I haven't booked any tickets yet. What I do believe, what I'm trusting in, is that when I'm supposed to know, I will. I'm trusting that as with all of my life, more will be revealed. The fog will lift and I'll know where to live, when to go, what to do. I'll feel it in my heart, my gut, my body. The pieces will come together and the puzzle will be solved. Until that time, I'll living here, now, and doing as Rainer Maria Rilke suggests and having patience with everything unresolved in my heart, loving the questions like locked rooms, not searching for the answers, living in the now, knowing one day I will live my way into the answers.

I dream of a world where we understand with everything in life, we'll know when we know. I dream of a world where we're OK with the questions, where we trust the answers will become clear to us in time. A world where we live in the now, not worrying about the future, because instead we're feeling at peace in the moment.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

February 17, 2013 | Posted in: fear, trust | Tags: | No Comments »

I thought about writing a really fluffy post but anxiety is roiling in my stomach like a boat sloshing around the sea so this needs to get out and it needs to be shared.

A few weeks ago I wrote, "Darlin' do not fear what you don't really know," and I meant it. I stand by the tools I mentioned and others shared. However, there are some things that bypass rationality and put me in a tailspin. Some things are so deep it doesn't help to bring out my inner warrior, or have compassion for myself, or ask what's the worst that could happen? I guess you would call these my Issues with a capital I. Maybe these are childhood wounds or what I have to work out in this life. For me, one of my issues is security in all its forms — financially, physically, emotionally. If my security is perceived to be threatened, I might as well be a rabid dog locked in a kennel because ain't no way some soothing words will calm me down.

I spoke to a lovely friend about all this and she said when she's afraid it's a part of her speaking up. Not her whole being mind you, just a little part. She also said there's a belief if she's "afraid enough" all her problems will be solved. Like if only she experienced enough fear, then everything will be OK, or it will motivate her to take some action. Then she said, "I have to remind myself fear is not my higher power, my higher power is my higher power."


This is how I sometimes visualize my higher power.

I felt instant relief when she said that because I realized I had been making fear my higher power. I was worshipping at the altar of fear believing it could be my salvation. If I felt X level of fear then I would finally feel secure. What kind of backward thinking is that? (Answer: It's not thinking, it's irrational.)

I've written about this a bajillion times but that's because I remember and then I forget. I cruise along the highway of life in my convertible with the wind blowing in my hair and then I hit a pothole that mangles the axial and my car starts to skid, so I panic and start behaving wildly when actually it would be so much better if I were calm and composed.

I have no answer about all this other than to say it's important for me to bring this to God/the universe/higher power for healing. I cannot transform this behavior on my own, I need divine help and wisdom so these days I pray about it:

My creator, I want that you should have all of me, good and bad. Please help me remember fear doesn't serve me. Please help me stay connected to you and remember what the guiding force is in my life. Please help me to trust in you and remember all is well in my world.

I dream of a world where we surrender our fears and ask for transformation instead of clutching onto them like a child with her favorite toy. I dream of a world where we ask for help when we need it, trusting it will be given to us. A world where we remember a power greater than ourselves. A world where we know when we forget, we'll eventually remember.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

February 10, 2013 | Posted in: fear, higher power, transformation, trust, universe | No Comments »

Today I had the pleasure of running into not one but TWO friends of mine unexpectedly. The second one said, "Free falling is only scary if you fight it." That statement really struck me, probably because I've been fighting, well, everything.

There's a lot going on in my world right now and I don't altogether trust my higher power. Whenever things don't go the way I think they "should" or that equate pleasure and enjoyment I think it's time to take my free will back because my higher power is obviously not doing a very good job. I know, the hubris of such a sentiment! But it's how I feel nonetheless. So when my friend said to me free falling is only scary if you fight it, I realized this process doesn't have to be scary. I can choose to see things differently. Instead of feeling punished or put upon or angry, I can go with it. I can allow myself the sensation of free falling, knowing when need be I can pop my parachute.


I aspire to be as joyful while falling as this guy is.

It's certainly not easy, nor am I able to shut down my urge to fight, but I know from past experience my higher power will catch me. That it's important to keep the faith because even though times are hard, they will get better. That even though I'm panicked (quite literally because my adrenal glands are so depleted I freak out over every little thing) the feeling will pass. I don't seem to remember that.

Two years ago I wrote a post that elucidated exactly that — if something is happening in the present I think it will last forever. In that particular post it was about a car alarm going off. These days it's the belief I will NEVER find a great place to live, that I will NEVER sell a bunch of books, that I will NEVER make more money, etc. I think this is probably because I'm a bit of a drama queen or an addict. Funny how I only think about these things for the negative emotions and experiences and not the positive ones. I don't believe bliss will last forever and instead appreciate it for the transitory experience it is. I wish I could feel the same way about misery.

So again, I have to come back to basics. I have to be with the process, knowing it will pass and doesn't have to be quite so terrifying. I have to remember even though I don't understand any of my life's circumstances, they are all happening for a reason. Someone said to me today, "You can't fall out of grace." How true. There is nothing I can do that will make God and the universe love me any less or punish me. Yes, there are equal and opposite reactions to all actions I take, but even those are temporary. All of it is temporary. Free falling isn't scary if you don’t fight it.

I dream of a world where we sit with the process, whatever it might be. A world where we understand all things are only temporary. A world where we know we have strength and patience and fortitude to move through any difficulty even if we feel like we're hanging on by our fingertips. Because as was shown to me today, we never know what's around the corner and when we'll receive the help we need.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

July 16, 2012 | Posted in: feelings, patience, peace, trust | 1 Comment »

I know “the invisible hand” usually refers to Adam Smith’s notion of self-regulation in the economic marketplace, but in this sense I mean an invisible hand in terms of a guiding presence, a benevolent force.

 

As many of you know, I moved out of my beloved apartment in January because I wasn’t able to sleep at night. Months later I’ve still been upset by it because like I said, I really loved that place. I knew why I moved out on a practical level (no sleep, raucous neighbors, a pulsing noise), but I wanted to know the metaphysical reason. I wanted to know why the universe constructed it so I had to leave.

 

I finally found out.

 

I’m a part of Alerts SF, which is a municipal alert system that texts me when there are road closures or gas leaks, that sort of thing. Several days ago they texted me saying there was a road closure on Post two blocks down from where I lived due to police activity. According to this news article, police shot and killed a suspect who opened fire on police officers during a standoff. The suspect was contacted because he had a connection to a homicide investigation and then he shot at the police when they arrived. Nearly two dozen shots were fired.

The manager of my old building said our street had gotten rougher and this news report confirmed it. This event happened literally two blocks down from where I used to live. You may have noticed, but I’m very sensitive. I am not able to tolerate lower vibrations, especially where I live. So I can’t help thinking, that’s why I moved. I moved because the invisible hand that guides my life saw all this coming and pushed me out for my safety and happiness.

Now? I pass by trees on my walk home from BART or the bus. There is no graffiti on the main walkways. There is no one accosting me. There is only peace and quiet. And nature. That’s the other thing.

Today I went for a hike on Mount Tamalpais with a friend of mine.

This is a close approximation of what we saw today.

Coming back to the city was rough. For the first time, maybe ever, I realized I want to live near more greenery. That I wasn’t quite ready to come back to civilization. What struck me is that’s exactly where I’m living now. The other day I meditated on pine needles while surrounded by fennel, birds chirping, and shrubs. The invisible hand guided me to where I live now, which I didn’t even know I’d want because like I said, until today I didn’t know how much I missed trees. Often I don’t understand why things happen the way they do, but eventually I find out. And when I do, I’m always struck by how there’s a benevolent force in my life. How I may not like what’s happening in my life but it’s always in my best interest. I’m touched by how someone, somewhere, is looking out for me.

I dream of a world where we all have an invisible hand guiding our lives. A world where we are pushed to better places, people, and things. A world where we know we are being taken care of each and every day. A world where we understand everything really does happen for a reason.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

May 14, 2012 | Posted in: trust | Tags: , , , | 2 Comments »

“Acceptance is the answer to all my problems today. When I am disturbed, it is because I find some person, place, thing, or situation – some fact of my life – unacceptable to me, and I can find no serenity until I accept that person, place, thing, or situation as being exactly the way it is supposed to be at this moment. Nothing, absolutely nothing, happens in God’s world by mistake.”

There are a lot of things floating in my head at the moment regarding acceptance. One, how there is a balance between accepting things as they are and trying to change them. Acceptance is indeed the answer but it’s dangerous to associate acceptance with complacency. The idea, “Well that’s just the way things are. What can we do about it?” That is perhaps a blog for another time.
Mostly I want to talk about accepting divine guidance and accepting the path we are walking. There has been A LOT of resistance within me about my path and what the Universe has been communicating to me. There has been resistance because I was afraid, or didn’t feel worthy, or the whole thing felt unrealistic because I didn’t have any physical proof. I’ve been resisting, making myself miserable and frustrated. Now is the time for acceptance.
I’ve been standing in a place of indecision, waffling between two choices, and now I have tipped over the precipice. There is only so long I can ignore what the Universe is telling me.
I could reference my move to San Francisco here as an example but by now everyone knows that story by heart. (If you read AWIP regularly, that is.) Instead I will relay another one.
I skipped fourth grade, meaning I was younger than almost everyone in my class by the time I entered middle school. It also means I related better to the people in the grade below me because technically those were my peers. By the time I reached senior year of high school, I was the intellectual equal of my classmates but not the emotional equal. In short, I wasn’t ready to leave home. I wasn’t ready to leave the comforts of mommy and daddy and venture off on my own. It didn’t occur to me to take a year off; instead I decided the best solution was to go to UNC Chapel Hill, a school roughly 2.5 hours away. My brother went to school there, it was close to home, and it had a journalism program. Never mind I hated UNC from the minute I visited. Never mind all the times I went to yearbook camp there in high school and felt it wasn’t a good fit because it was too big, too provincial, and in the South. I went against my intuition because I was scared. And I paid for it.
I packed on 20 pounds while I was there and sunk into a deep depression. So deep I had fleeting thoughts of suicide. And you know why? Because I went against my very essence, of what I knew to be true in my heart: that I wouldn’t like UNC. Some people would say to just accept it, make the best out of being there. To cherish what I had and dig a little deeper to find my niche. I refused. Instead I trusted my intuition, my heart, and I got the hell out of there. I moved back to Charlotte, my hometown, for the second semester of my freshman year and then I transferred to American University in Washington, D.C. where I graduated from. It was a great decision. I (mostly) loved AU, not so much the school but the people I met there and the city. Instead of accepting my situation as it was, I instead accepted the divine guidance I received. Instead of accepting that I made a choice and the end, I was stuck at UNC, I allied myself with what my heart told me.
When people talk about acceptance they seem to leave that part out. I’m obviously all about self-acceptance, but I also think divine acceptance is important. You’ll be much happier if you accept what the Universe is conveying, that’s for sure.
I dream of a world where we accept what we know to be true. A world where we cherish the divine guidance we are given and let our hearts lead the way. I dream of a world where we rise up to meet our destinies. A world where we take inspired action along the way and leave the rest up to our higher power.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.       
September 17, 2010 | Posted in: acceptance, intuition, trust | No Comments »
There are two things that stress me out above all else: “shoulds” and the unknown. For instance, I “should” have written this blogpost earlier. I “should” have meditated longer before eating dinner. I “should” have woken up earlier today. I “should” devote more time to my fledgling business. You get the picture. The reason I love “shoulds” so much is I like having neat, orderly paths. I like structure and discipline because it makes me feel safe. And if I deviate from the path set before me? Whoa buddy, here comes the guilt or shame!
I like shoulds because I feel like I know what to expect. Just follow the yellow brick road of shoulds and I’ll get to see the wizard, life will be grand. But I get stressed out because I get caught up in the shoulds and sometimes the shoulds are conflicting. Like, “I should devote more time to my business,” in conflict with, “I should make my full-time job my priority.” Depending who you talk to you’ll get different answers. What I lose out on when I get caught up in shoulds is myself. What do I want to do? What’s most important to me? It’s very easy for me to get caught up in trying to please everyone else, sometimes even nonexistent people, rather than pay attention to myself and my own needs. Because what will happen if I do? Will you still love me? Will I still be safe and secure?
Once I start to pay attention to myself and my needs I freak out because I’m navigating in uncharted territory. I’m no longer following the path laid before me. I’m off the yellow brick road. So I feel stressed. How do I manage my life and myself? I’m not just talking obliquely, I mean concrete things too. Starting this spiritual entertainment company? There is no roadmap. There is no, “First you do this and then you do this.” Sure, there are suggestions, there are things I could do, but most of it is pell-mell, everything all at once. And that brings me stress. A lot of stress. “What the heck am I supposed to take care of next??” I feel like I’m in a room where clothes are strewn helter-skelter and I’m traveling from pile to pile picking up one item at a time. Where is my roadmap?? Where is my guide? Can I get a handbook please? Life feels much safer that way.
I have the answers and they can be distilled down into two expressions: “One day at a time,” and “Trust in a power greater than yourself.” I could barrage myself with a series of “shoulds” right now. A whole lot of, “You should take this one day at a time!” and “You should trust in the Universe and know you’re safe!” but I won’t. Instead I know that when I’m ready to pick up the tools I’ve learned, I will. When I’m ready to say, “Hey, I have no idea what the future holds and all I can do is live in the moment,” that I will. There is no one way I “should” be. There is no “right” way to live in the world. Have you looked at a roadmap recently? There are endless paths to Paducah.
I dream of a world where we let ourselves be who we are, feeling at peace with the knowledge there are endless ways to get where we’re going. I dream of a world where we feel comfortable with the unknown because we recognize we are already safe, we are already loved. I dream of a world where we roam free, traversing the world without a roadmap because we realize the roadmap is really just a suggestion.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.  
September 3, 2010 | Posted in: fear, guilt, life, should, trust | No Comments »
I am sad and angry and pissed off. Mostly I feel cheated and lied to. I feel cheated and lied to because people have said, “Just do x, y, and z and then you’ll get what you want.” So then for years and years and years I worked on doing x, y, and z and now? I still don’t have what I want. I feel like a whiny baby for even talking about this but I think there’s an important lesson to all of it: other people are not privy to the details of my path. They just aren’t.
Other people don’t know. They know what works for them, what they did, but they don’t know what will work for me. No one can say to me, “Rebekah just do this,” because you know what? I did. I did all of it. Every single last thing. And now that I look around, now that I’m at the edge of the cliff what I want still isn’t in front of me. And I’m sad and upset and frustrated because, “You promised! You said if I did x, y, and z I would get what I wanted! But I haven’t!” And also there’s nothing left to try. Crap. Now what?
Bye bye control, that’s for sure. Bye bye micromanaging and thinking I can control the outcomes of my life. Bye bye thinking other people can tell me what to do. Bye bye all illusions. Hello higher power/God/Brahma/Parama Parusa, it’s just you and me now. I know you’ve been waiting on me for a while but I had to try it my way first. I didn’t believe you could or would handle things. I thought I had to take care of it myself. Now I know differently. There ain’t nothing left to do but give it to you. So here you go. You take care of things for a while. Me trying to control the outcomes of my life only drives me nuts.
And while you’re taking care of things for me I’ll walk over into gratitude and appreciation because I want to feel good. I want to enjoy what I have. I want to live in joy and love and happiness. I want to remember the good things in my world and all that I have, knowing everything else will take care of itself. This is me showing up and turning it over. I don’t know that anyone else will even benefit from reading this except maybe it will inspire you to let your higher power handle it too. Whatever “it” is.
I dream of a world where we remember we are all on our own paths. A world where we recognize other people only know what’s best for them. A world where we trust in a power greater than ourselves and let the future take care of itself. A world where we instead live in the moment, joyous and free, taking things as they come one day at a time.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
July 9, 2010 | Posted in: control, god, gratitude, life, love, trust | 4 Comments »

You may have noticed from reading this blog I’m all about the self-realization. The growth. The change. You may also have noticed I want to get there as quickly as possible. If I’m feeling bad I want to feel good. If I’m feeling crazy I want to feel sane. If I’m feeling scared I want to feel safe. And I want it all to happen immediately. The sooner the better, thanks.

For the past few weeks I’ve been writing about my higher power, redefining my concept as well as my relationship. The whole thing pivots on trust. I’m learning I can trust my higher power and I can put my faith in a power greater than myself. What’s funny is prior to a few weeks ago, I thought I was already doing that! I really thought I trusted my higher power implicitly but I obviously didn’t, otherwise I wouldn’t have lived with so much fear. Otherwise I wouldn’t have been so afraid of the future or what could happen to me.

I think about trust walks. How one person is blindfolded while the other leads him or her around. I think about when I used to do them at group gatherings. I slapped a blindfold on and had no trouble walking at a steady pace because I knew the person pulling my arm would tell me if I were going to run into a tree stump. I knew they wouldn’t let me trip and fall. Because I trusted them. That’s the kind of relationship I’d like to have with my higher power. Unending trust. Complete faith. Total confidence. But right now? I don’t.

I don’t and that’s ok. This week I’ve been sobbing on the phone to my parents and close friends about how I want to trust my higher power implicitly and “OMG why don’t I?? Why don’t I have that relationship yet?!? I want it right now!” I’ve felt upset because I don’t have the relationship I want just yet. (Oh look! It’s the virtue I’ve been trying to learn my whole life: patience!) I’ve felt upset because it seems like now that I know my higher power loves me unconditionally, only wants what’s best for me, wants me to experience joy, I “should” trust it. I “should” feel complete and utter faith. That’s where the title of this post comes in.

I’ve been trying to force myself to be somewhere I’m not and it only causes me pain and frustration. It only causes me to cry and wail. And that’s not working for me so I’m allowing myself to be where I am. To feel what I feel and know it’s all ok. Louise Hay has an affirmation that says, “I am at peace where I am. I accept my good knowing all my needs and desires will be fulfilled.” Yeah. I’m at peace where I am. Knowing my relationship with my higher power will evolve. Knowing in the infinity of life where I am all is perfect, whole and complete. Knowing growth happens at a right and proper pace. Knowing it’s still growth, it’s still progress even if it’s not as fast as I want it to be. I know I’ll get to where I want to be, it just takes a while.

I dream of a world where we all feel at peace where we are. Where we move steady on the path of self-realization but also accept the spot we’re in. A world where we know we’ll get to where we’re going in time and there’s no rush. A world where we allow ourselves to go through the process with ease and grace. A world where we let ourselves be where we are and love the place where’re in. A world where we feel at peace.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

May 28, 2010 | Posted in: acceptance, fear, god, love, patience, trust | No Comments »
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