Holding it All

I notice in myself and others the desire for certainty, resolution, simplicity. This means this, and that means that. We like binaries: heroes and villains. Black and white. I don’t know about you, but I’ve literally never encountered anything in real life without complication and nuance. If such a thing exists, can you let me know? I’d like to build a shrine to it. I digress. . .

Anyway, rather than simplicity and resolution, I experience a whole lot of paradox and doublethinking. Doublethinking is a term coined by George Orwell in his novel 1984 but it’s also a psychological mechanism. Specifically, it’s holding two completely contradictory beliefs in your mind at the same time and accepting both of them as true. For instance, “This person is my haven, the one I love and trust the most,” and also, “That same person is a threat, destroyed my trust, and hurt me deeply.” If you’re having trouble reconciling that, well, that’s kind of the point, but if it helps, think about how adultery applies here.

I think it’s fair to say U.S. culture is terrible at doublethink. When we’re faced with contradictory truths, instead of holding both, we push people to pick a side, flatten nuance, and reject the opposing truth completely. We talk about how “the other side” is the problem rather than attempting to resolve conflict internally. It’s really hard, generally, for us to say, “You’re both right.”

This isn’t serving us very well, as you can see. We’re dividing ourselves further and further, and I’m not sure anyone is really satisfied. Freedom doesn’t lie in convincing “the other side” that you’re right and they’re wrong. Real freedom lies in being able to say, “We’re both right, and we’re both wrong.” Can you imagine? What would it be like to admit that?

I can’t force anyone to admit that. I can’t control anyone’s mind, but I do have a choice in how I hold doublethink myself. I’m reminded of Rumi’s poem, The Guest House. I’m not going to quote the whole thing but the beginning says:

This being human is a guest house.
Every morning a new arrival.
A joy, a depression, a meanness,
some momentary awareness comes
As an unexpected visitor.
Welcome and entertain them all!

I do think there’s an aspect to his poem that’s accurate: every morning there’s a new arrival. But I don’t find being human to be a “guest house”; it’s more like a psychiatric hospital, where some people enroll voluntarily, and others are there against their will. Some emotions and experiences I say, “Yes! Come! Stay as long as you like!” whereas for others my response is, “How long are you sticking around? Is there some way I can speed up your departure?” Rumi says to welcome and entertain them all, and understand that even the most hostile guest serves a purpose, acts as a teacher, and clears away debris.

I used to believe that but I don’t really anymore. Some things are just plain horrible. Sometimes we’re just suffering. And rather than trying to push away the bad things, rather than trying to reconcile things that don’t feel reconcilable, I’m instead learning life is full of doublethinking. Some things don’t resolve. Some things are contradictory and don’t cancel each other out. I can drive myself crazy trying to pick one truth over another, or I can do the seemingly impossible and hold them all.

I dream of a world where we remember life is complicated and filled with nuance. A world where we recognize two contradictory things can be true at the same time. A world where instead of trying to create resolution and certainty in ourselves and in the world, we practice holding it all.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.