I’m currently in Texas for what I hope is a peak experience, aka, watching the total solar eclipse. What follows is a repost from September 2015 so the content has changed – neither of the men mentioned here are a part of my life anymore, for instance – but the concept is still valid and apt for my current circumstances. Maybe they apply to you too.
Lately, I’ve been humbled and in awe of the magic, the mystery, and the surprise of life. So often I think I know how things will play out and I’m being shown, yet again, I have no idea. This has come up especially regarding people.
I met someone in December 2013 who I liked right off the bat and had high hopes for his involvement with my yoga and meditation community. He seemed so keen and enthusiastic. He came to our newly formed meditation group a few times consecutively and then stopped. I wrote him off, never expecting to see him again except on Facebook. Someone else in the group said, “Well, that’s the last time we’ll see that guy again.” But it wasn’t. About a year later, “that guy” surprised us by circling back. He’s shown himself to be a dedicated member of my community, and much to my surprise, he’s a dear friend and an important person in my life. Go figure.
Pictures of space always make me think of a divine intelligence. Photo by Rodion Kutsaiev on Unsplash
Similarly, three years ago I connected with someone and felt affection for him right away. We hung out a few times and then I didn’t hear much from him again. I assumed he would be a peripheral friend, someone I’d invite to a party, but nothing more. Color me shocked when he called me up last week to catch up and reconnect. That’s not how I was expecting things to play out. And that’s the point – I never know how things will play out.
I throw myself into a tizzy thinking about the future because I’m absolutely sure I know what will happen. If I’m not friends with you now, I won’t be friends with you later. If I’m single now, I’ll be single forever. If I’m in debt now, I’ll be in debt forever. It’s a small thing, but these two men remind me I have no freaking clue what the future holds and they remind me someone, or rather something else is in charge here.
Indian-American economist, author, and professor Ravi Batra wrote a book in the late 80s that became a number-one New York Times bestseller. He attributed his success to the “cosmic magician.” I love that. It certainly seems that way when something unexpected and amazing happens like writing a runaway bestseller when all your previous books weren’t as successful. Thinking of the cosmic magician reminds me amazing and magical things can happen and they’re not up to me. I’m not the one responsible for outcomes, or the fruits of my labor, if you will. Not just with writing, but with everything.
My spiritual teacher says, “Behind this world’s creation, there is a cosmic magician who has created the universe and also controls it. In fact, whatever has been or shall be created is He and He alone. Those who have realized this truth attain blessedness.”
When I can remember the cosmic magician, I can relax because it means I’m not responsible for everything in my life. Some things yes. But everything? No. There are greater forces at play in the world that have absolutely nothing to do with me. And those forces are often working to create something amazing and magical if we only have enough patience to see how it turns out.
I dream of a world where we realize there is divine intelligence at play. A world where we allow ourselves to be open to whatever comes our way because we have no idea what’s ahead. A world where we understand amazing and magical things happen all the time not because we “made them happen,” but because there’s a cosmic magician working behind the scenes on our behalf.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
As I continue to grapple with the death of a friend and beloved member of my community who died from COVID-19 due to not being vaccinated, I keep thinking about a twist on an Al-Anon phrase: “Give people the dignity of their choices.” As you know, there is nothing more controversial, more hot-button, more likely to cause a debate than COVID-19 vaccines in the age of this pandemic. I’m not telling you anything new. You’ve likely witnessed this debate or had it yourself.
Each camp – the vaccinated and unvaccinated – staunchly argues their case. Each camp cites information, tries to convince the other, justifies their own choices, but I’m not sure how much good it’s doing. My friend that died knew the facts. He knew more unvaccinated people than vaccinated are dying of COVID, are filling hospital beds, and yet he chose to “trust his immune system.” He decided to gamble that he would be fine if he contracted COVID-19. He wasn’t fine and yeah, I’ve been angry about it, sad about it, but ultimately, it wasn’t my choice. It wasn’t my decision to make. Me? I chose differently. But here’s what Al-Anon taught me: There comes a point where we all have to recognize we can’t force people to do something they don’t want to do.
Let people make their choices. Photo by Javier Allegue Barros on Unsplash
In the world of Al-Anon, which is a program for friends and family members of addicts, they learn there is no secret formula that convinces an addict to stop using. They know it doesn’t matter how many tears, how much literature, how much pleading they do with the addict in their life, they can’t force the addict to quit. They are not in control of the addict’s choices. Granted, they don’t have to stand by and watch the addict head to an early grave either, but there’s a point where they understand what it means to be powerless.
Powerlessness over other people seems like something we’re all learning right now. Is forcing people to get vaccinated helping? Or instead, are healthcare workers quitting over vaccine mandates? What exactly are vaccine mandates accomplishing? In the U.S., it’s helping a little, but it’s also sparking lawsuits and public outcry. It seems to me some people feel oppressed because their choices are not being honored.
Do I wish everyone who is able to get vaccinated does so? Of course I do. But at this point I’m recognizing not everyone will because they haven’t. And instead of shouting at them until I’m blue in the face, I’m taking a page from Al-Anon and letting people have the dignity of their choices. It’s hard, it’s heartbreaking, it feels like graduate-level spiritual work, but these are the times we’re living in.
Ultimately, I want to feel peace and if I’m hopped up on righteous indignation, there ain’t no peace to be had. What brings me peace is recognizing I’m doing what I need to do to protect myself – I’ve been boosted, I’m wearing a mask, social distancing, etc. – but the only person I can take care of is me. Instead of saying, “I’m right and you’re wrong,” how can we create space for everyone to have the dignity of their choices? Because truly, that’s the reality of the world we live in.
As for me, when I allow my friend the dignity of his choice, instead of being filled with resentment over his death, I think of him fondly. I remember his bright smile, the love he had for his son, and his willingness to pitch in wherever he could. And that’s what I’d much rather focus on.
I dream of a world where we support people in making informed choices while also recognizing we aren’t in control of those choices. A world where we make space for disagreement. A world where we let people have the dignity of their choices even if we wouldn’t make them ourselves.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I keep seeing suns everywhere — as a ceramic decoration on the side of a house, on cartoons, cards, etc. The sun is “talking” to me, which makes sense because I keep thinking about shining. What does it mean to shine? Where and how do I shine? Where and how do other people shine? Can I boost my shininess?
There are multiple definitions of “shine.” One of them is to emit rays of light, to give light. Another is to be eminent, conspicuous, or distinguished. I like to think of personal shining as emitting metaphorical rays of light in a conspicuous way. It’s the process of showering the self upon the world; much like the sun does for Earth. There’s a method for figuring out when and how we each shine. An Instagram post by Astrology with Andy said astrologically speaking, “The sign your sun is in [signifies] traits you identify with and/or are important to you. The house your sun is in [denotes] the area(s) of life where your sun sign’s qualities can best, and most easily, shine. The aspects your sun makes to other planets [shows] how to help your sun shine (and possible pitfalls that can dim its light).”
I want to shine brightly. Photo by Benjamin Patin on Unsplash
As for me, my sun is in Sagittarius, sits in the 11th house, and conjuncts Uranus. Qualities associated with Sagittarius (and thus ones I value) are optimism, knowledge, and broadmindedness. The 11th house is the one of friends, community, groups, etc. so I shine in groups of people. It’s no surprise that while I get nervous speaking in public, I also love it. And because my sun is conjunct Uranus (a planet that has rabble-rouser/innovator energy), I shine specifically by either standing out as a vanguard, and/or in unusual communities such as 12-step groups or a fringe spiritual organization, for instance. I’m laughing and shaking my head because that’s exactly true and once again points toward the merits of astrology. Anyone who thinks it’s b.s. just doesn’t know any better.
Being aware of all this has me wondering two things — 1.) How can I activate my shininess more? And 2.) Is what I want even possible? Is it even in the cards for me to be a bestselling author? My astrological chart essentially says, “You have an intense desire to be renowned, it’s important for your self-esteem, buuuuuuut you have to work incredibly hard to achieve that.” Astrology isn’t everything — the Divine beloved is more powerful than astrology and can make anything happen, but still. I’m not feeling all that hopeful or optimistic, and as mentioned earlier, those are traits I prize.
AND instead of falling into a pit of despair, which frankly feels tempting, I’m reminded of a concept in many spiritual philosophies, including mine: “You have the right to action but not to the fruits of the actions.” My spiritual teacher says, “Wherever there is an action, there is a corresponding reaction because every action gets either reflected or refracted. The wave produced by the action will be either reflected or refracted. Both reflection and refraction are reactions. So whenever you act, whatever the nature of that work, that is the kind of reflection or refraction it will produce. But that reflected or refracted reaction is not in your hands. To do whatever you do, that is your only right.”
To do whatever I do is my only right. How it will be received, who will read it, how popular I’ll become as a result, etc. is out of my hands and not up to me. All I can do is what I’m doing and in this case that means putting words on a page.
I dream of a world where we recognize our own unique talents and gifts. A world where we shine those gifts upon the world. A world where we understand that as much as we want to control outcomes, we cannot. A world where we realize all we can do is put in the work and let go of the rest.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
This weekend I surprised myself. I did things I’d consider out of character — things other people do, but not me. I flew up to Ashland, Ore., for a quick up and back trip and started chatting with the woman next to me on my flight. During the course of the conversation I told her I didn’t have a car and wasn’t sure how I was getting to and fro. She said, “Well, let me give you my number and if you need a ride while you’re out there, give me a call.” I said, “Actually, what I really need is a ride from the airport to my hostel.”
She told me her parents were picking her up but she was sure they wouldn’t mind dropping me off. “Really?” and she replied in the affirmative. So I got into the car with a stranger that I didn’t pay to transport me. In my world you don’t do that sort of thing because it’s dangerous. Even getting into a lyft or a taxi provokes anxiety within me so trusting a total stranger is antithetical to my normal behavior. My whole weekend was like that. I made conversations with strangers. I stayed in a hostel and socialized in the evenings. Even staying in a hostel is unusual for me.
I looked for “character” and this is what I found. I like it. Photo by Антон Воробьев on Unsplash
Normally I stay in hotels or airbnbs because I enjoy my personal space. I’m highly particular and want to control as many variables as I can. However, due to financial limitations, and also the desire to stay close to town, I slept at a hostel. I’ve heard stories of people making friends with strangers or the magic of connection during travel experiences, but my magical experiences tend to involve thinking I missed my train but the train was running late. I barely ask strangers for directions much less make conversation with them.
It may seem like a small thing, but for me it’s indicative I’m trusting myself and the universe more. I’m starting to view the world as safe and friendly as opposed to scary and antagonistic. It’s for many reasons — the chiropractor I’m seeing, the work I continue to do in therapy — but what stands out to me is the way we experience the world and ourselves can change. How the world appears to us is not stagnant or stale. It’s dynamic and vibrant and we are the same. The title of this post is “out of character” but it’s just as true there are many facets to my personality and perhaps this Rebekah is someone I hadn’t met yet, but she’s been here all along.
My spiritual teacher speaks to this through his words and actions. His first initiate was a dangerous criminal who tried to rob him. That criminal completely turned his life around and became ethical, sincere, and devotional. No one would have predicted that person existed inside that criminal, but he did. And the same is true for all of us. There are internal people we know and internal people we don’t know, but it’s all us. And maybe “out of character” is like the people I met this weekend — strangers that become friends.
I dream of a world where we recognize there is more to us than we think. A world where we understand acting out of character just means a part of us is unfamiliar and unknown. A world where we realize we all have many parts and facets to our personality and perhaps it’s time to say hello.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
For better or for worse, I take responsibility for everything in my life. Poor? That’s my doing. Single? My fault. Sick? That’s on me. That’s the message we receive over and over in our society; that we’re the master of our fate and the captain of our soul. However, I’m reminded, again, that’s not entirely true.
One of my friends has been heartbroken over and over again. He mentioned it to a psychic and the psychic said my friend is repeatedly getting his heart broken because in a past life he was an abuser of women, and in this life, being on the receiving end of heartbreak is his retribution. The karma is being balanced, if you will. Furthermore, the psychic said my friend’s current beau was one of those abused women in a past life, which explains so much about their relationship dynamic. The beau is very timid around my friend, walking on eggshells, and learning how to reclaim her power in the relationship. The two were thrown together in this life because they have some unfinished business.
This? I’m not responsible for.
When my friend told me this story, I felt such relief because I’m reminded I am not to blame for everything in my life. That there are forces at work in my life and everyone else’s life that I haven’t thought about or even begun to understand. It’s like dominoes — one falling domino sets off a chain reaction, but the reaction may not manifest until down the road. Things I’ve done in past lives are still affecting me now. It’s a law of nature that for every action there will be a reaction, and knowing that I feel relief.
Maybe I’m single not because I choose the wrong men or am too picky or a leper, or any other reason I could come up with that points the finger at me. Maybe I’m single for reasons I haven’t even entertained, like things I did in a past life. Similarly, maybe I’m not a world-renowned inspirational speaker for the same reasons. Maybe all of it has absolutely nothing to do with me and instead I’m undergoing reactions for things I did in the distant past.
Instead of thinking of myself as the master of my fate, maybe it’s better to think of myself as a musician. Right now I’m like the first violinist who has her sheet music but is forgetting there are other musicians in the orchestra, and furthermore that there’s a conductor overseeing the whole piece. I like to think of myself as the conductor, but I’m not, I’m the violinist.
I am extremely tired so I don’t know if I’m getting my point across, but what I’m trying to say here is we aren’t in control of every aspect of our lives. We aren’t to blame for every crappy thing that happens to us, nor are we to blame for every good thing that happens to us. There is something else present, and that presence is God or higher power or whatever term you have for it. For better or for worse, we are not alone and we are not in charge.
I dream of a world where we remember higher power is present in all things and situations. A world where we realize we are not in control of everything nor are we to blame for everything. A world where we take ourselves off the hook and remember we are not the conductor of this orchestra, but rather we are the musicians.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I would say the driving question of my life is, “Why?” I want to know the reason behind everything and in particular why things are the way they are, or why they happened. Part of it is because I’m a curious person (I am a journalist after all), but another part is because uncertainty and ambiguity freaks me out. I want to know so I can feel safe. The more information I have, the safer and more secure I feel. As you can imagine, this makes me a bit of a control freak. Control though is basically impossible and this week I received a huge lesson in letting go as well as a reminder that even if I think something is certain, it’s not.
I spoke with a friend about all this and he reminded me that the essential nature of our relationship to Higher Power is one of mystery. He likened it to being on a train where only Higher Power knows the destination. I think I know where we’re going as we crest hills and drop into valleys — I formulate an idea, but then the train keeps moving, so no, I don’t have a clue.
Life is like a mystery train with the destination unknown.
What I also took away from our conversation is the more I try to understand, to know, and to control, the rougher my relationship with Higher Power is, and the rougher things are in the external world. The more I can let go and be OK with the mystery of life, the less I’m affected by curveballs and plans going awry. I’m sure you’ve heard the joke, “When we make plans, God laughs,” because the point is we are very much not in control.
Parades get rained on, people trip down the stairs, jobs are eliminated. Instead of working so hard to be in control, to be certain of outcomes, it’s better for me to trust I’ll be able to handle whatever comes my way. It’s also better for me to be OK with the mystery of the universe because for some things I’ll never get an answer and seeking one I only drive myself crazy.
My spiritual teacher says God has been “creating this unique, colorful world with His various powers. Why He is doing so is known to Him alone; no one else knows it. … It is a fact that human beings with their limited intellect can never understand the secrets of why and how [God] has been creating this universe; their wisdom can never fathom this mystery. … You should think, ‘My little intellect cannot fathom all this – rather let me do one thing, let me establish a relation of sweet love with Him. When this relation of love is established, He will be my own, and I will know His inner secret; I will certainly find the answers to all the questions ‘why’.”
I don’t know if I’ll finally know the answers to all my questions, but it certainly beats what I’ve been doing, which is hypothesizing, ruminating, and just generally overthinking. I still want to know why about everything, but what I’m coming to accept is my limited intellect is just that: limited. What helps me with the limitation is realizing life is a mystery and will remain a mystery. People are mysteries. Certain occurrences are mysteries. I can’t know everything the moment I want to, I just can’t, so the best I can do is let go and keep developing a loving relationship with myself and with my Higher Power. And maybe one day I’ll eventually get the answers I seek.
I dream of a world where we realize life is mysterious and we allow it to be so. A world where we’re open to possibilities and uncertainty because we realize we can still be safe in the face of ambiguity. A world where we work on loving ourselves and the universe because that’s all we can do.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I am very much the kind of person that when I see a problem I want to jump in and fix it. I have an overdeveloped sense of responsibility and assume if I don’t take care of something, it won’t get done. I’m reminded this week that actually, if I don’t do something, I leave space for someone else to take care of it.
This notion has come up several times this week. I’ll give a small example. On Friday night, I walked by my neighbor’s apartment and I noticed her curtains were open. Through the curtains I saw candles burning and she wasn’t home. Me, being who I am right now, freaked out and started envisioning her place burning down, and then my cottage burning down because I’m her neighbor. I thought about knocking on her door, or calling the manager, or the fire department, or somebody because this needed to be taken care of RIGHT NOW.
I aspire to be like the woman in this picture — at ease, relaxing while I let someone else drive.
My intuition said, “Hold up sugar. You don’t need to rush to her aid.” I didn’t quite believe this (my fear impulse can be VERY strong), so I went outside again to make sure I still saw candles burning. When I did, her cat skittered by, which reminded me he hadn’t been fed yet or put back inside, so I knew someone else would see the candles and take care of it when they checked on the cat. Sure enough, half an hour later, her curtain was drawn and then her lights went out so the whole drama that I concocted resolved itself without me having to lift a finger.
I forget this lesson regularly, that other people can manage the affairs of life. I forget that by me always jumping in, always coming to the rescue, I’m depriving someone else of their chance to step up. I guess what I’m saying is I don’t always have to be in charge, I don’t always have to be the leader, I don’t always have to volunteer to organize. If I don’t, someone else will. That’s not to say I need to go to the other extreme and always allow other people to step up, but I can start to have more balance. I can take the middle road and recognize some things will get taken care of, even if it’s not by me.
I dream of a world where we understand we don’t always have to take care of everything. A world where we let other people step up as need be. A world where we realize we don’t have to be in charge all of the time. A world where we give space for someone else.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
The force I reference in this title is not the Star Wars kind, but rather the kind that’s inside your head and probably a little mean. The force that’s in opposition to gentleness.
I like to force myself to do things all the time. “I don’t feel like walking all the way home, but I’m going to force myself because I need the exercise.” “I don’t want to go out tonight, but I’m going to force myself because I need to be social.” The list could go on. I usually force myself because I have the best of intentions, but do you see how in forcing myself there’s opposition? There’s the “I” that doesn’t want to do something, and then there’s the “I” that makes me anyway. I think it’s probably my ego trying to exert control because, well, that’s what the ego does.
What I’m noticing lately though is I’d rather be in complete alignment with myself. I’d rather treat myself with love and gentleness because also, I realize eventually I’ll have the willingness to do what I need to do. But instead of forcing myself, I’ll just want to.
Let me back up. When I first started meditating it was suggested to me I needed to meditate twice a day every day. I would force myself for about two weeks before my routine petered off and I just couldn’t anymore. My willpower deflated. Then my senior year of college I wanted to meditate that frequently just for my sanity. What with all the stress of graduating, living with roommates, and entering the “real” world I wanted to meditate every day, twice a day just so I could get through. That’s how it is with me. It’s the same way with yoga. My teacher came to me in a dream and told me to practice my yoga postures and I refused. Because I didn’t want to. Then three years ago, all of a sudden I wanted to, so I did.
I bring this up because today I went swimming for the first time in probably three years and it was glorious. I smiled to myself and skipped down the street on the way to the pool because, “I was going swimming! I was going swimming!” Prior to today I tried to force myself to go. To somehow work swimming into my already busy schedule, but it just wasn’t happening. And now it has.
I’m not sure I’m making sense, but I guess my point is I don’t have to force myself to do anything – not even brush my teeth – because I know one day, someday, I’ll want to do those things. And it’s true. I want to brush my teeth twice a day and floss every night. I don’t ever have to use force with myself. I don’t ever have to do things I don’t want to as long as I’m willing to live with the consequences, like cavities, or whatever the case may be. Eventually my want and my willingness always line up. So I don’t have to worry. I don’t have to contemplate adding a kung fu class to my life or learning bookkeeping or whatever the other million things are that I think are good for me that I “should” be doing. I just don’t. Eventually the willingness always manifests. And if it doesn’t, perhaps I’m not meant to engage.
I feel so much more at ease knowing I don’t have to ever rely on my ego or the “should” voice because everything lines up. The time, the willingness, the money. It all comes together in a magical package where force doesn’t come into play. So I can relax and let go, and instead allow myself to live in harmony.
I dream of a world where we all allow ourselves to be where we are. A world where we recognize eventually, if we’re supposed to, we’ll find the willingness to do the task at hand. A world where we can relax, knowing all is well.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I almost don’t want to tell you this because it’s kind of embarrassing. I don’t want you to judge me or think I’m ungrateful for the people in my life. But what I’m about to discuss is also indicative of a deeper issue, which I think might be valuable to share.
Have you heard of the five languages of love? Gary Chapman says there are five ways people give and receive love: words of affirmation, physical touch, acts of service, receiving gifts and quality time. Chapman says we won’t feel loved until we receive love in our primary language. My primary language is words of affirmation. I want those I love to compliment me, tell me why they love me, write me heartfelt cards and poems. This is not me fishing for comments, but rather divulging why I’ve felt frustrated of late.
For the past two months I’ve felt upset people haven’t been expressing their love for me the way I want them to. Being the person I am, I conveyed this need but nothing’s changed. My friends are still showing me how much they care via the other languages – not words of affirmation. And it bugs the hell out of me. “Why can’t you just do what I want? Is that so hard? Love me the way I want you to!” I keep secretly hoping they’ll change, but they aren’t. So really, my choices are to either accept them for who they are, and how they express their affection, or I can ditch them. Let’s get real though, I love these people. I’m not going to stop being friends with them because they don’t tell me how awesome I am. Strangely, even knowing this I’ve still felt upset. I’ve still wanted them to what I wanted them to do.
Pondering my feelings last night I’ve realized this is yet another way I’m trying to exert control. The important thing to remember is I’m receiving love. Does it really matter how I’m receiving it? Reflecting on my control issues, I’m finally allowing people to be who they are and express themselves how they see fit. Control is a sneaky fellow because it comes up in all aspects of my life. When I allow people and the universe to do its thing is when the magic happens.
For instance, I was offered a part-time copyediting gig (yay!) but I also need to make more money to pay for my expenses. I decided freelancing was the answer, and more specifically, freelancing for a specific publication. It didn’t pan out. My controlling nature wanted to take over and “fix things.” I had to take a step back because I realized when I try to dictate how things are going to work with both love and money I disallow the universe from working its magic. There are INFINITE ways for me to receive money. Why does it have to come from freelancing for X publication? Similarly, why does love have to be in the form of words?
Sometimes I think life works like Best Buy – I go in, pick what I want, pay for it, the end. I get exactly what I want, the way I want it, when I want it. But life isn’t like that – at least it hasn’t been for me.
Wants and needs are natural. I’m allowed to ask for what I want but the “when” and “how” are out of my hands. When I try to dictate life according to my specifications I end up feeling demoralized. The best thing I can do is say, “I want love, financial abundance and success,” and then sit back and watch the universe go to work. And wouldn’t you know it? In my e-mail inbox this morning someone messaged me and asked me if I’d like to freelance for them. The universe provides, I just have to let it. People love me, I just have to let them.
I dream of a world where we are more allowing. A world where we ask for what we want and then let go. A world where we let the universe do its thing, knowing what we want will come to us. A world where we understand the world works in mysterious ways and that’s what it makes it so fun. A world where we recognize we are not in control because there are greater forces at work. A world where we accept what we receive, no matter how it gets to us.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
“The battle is over and I lost.” All day I’ve been thinking about what I want to write. There are so many things that occurred to me but in the kitchen just now I realized all I can do is be honest. While this blog is all about how I see a new world developing, ultimately it takes the form of sharing my personal journey, my personal transformation, in the hopes it will spark something within someone else.
So the battle is over and I lost. What do I mean by that? I mean since birth I’ve pushed and prodded myself to be a certain way – more patient, more perfect, more brave, more serene – and I really thought I could do that for myself. I really thought I could take charge of my problems and make myself something different. I thought I could make myself less obsessive. That I could take away my character defects.
The form has changed over the years. It started with meditation, thinking I could meditate it away. “If only I meditated more then I would be less crazy.” Well that didn’t work because as soon as I opened my eyes all the crazy came rushing back. Then I thought I could say affirmations and make myself different. And it worked to a degree, albeit slowly. And then I wanted it to go faster so I started EFT and that helped as well. And then I wanted to go even faster and started listening to Abraham Hicks and forcing myself to feel better by imagining what it would be like if I were more serene, if I were to have everything I wanted. I forgot one very important thing: there’s also a power outside of me.
Call it God, call it higher power, call it the Universe, call it whatever. It’s there. I know some people don’t believe in that sort of thing, and that’s cool, but honestly, some things are magical and mysterious and it sure as heck ain’t me.
I’ve made peace with the fact my will will never be done. If I’m lucky it will line up with my higher power’s, but ultimately my higher power gets the last word. I’ve made peace with the fact I can’t think myself out of problems, that I can’t make myself be something that I’m not. That try as hard as I might, I can’t force myself to be less obsessive, or more patient, or less fearful. There has to be something bigger than me to handle all of that. It’s only by the grace of God that I’m able to have a reprieve.
I guess this is me giving everything to my higher power, including my thoughts. Not just my life and how it works out, not just the external things. But all of me, mind, body, and soul. I am turning over all the crazy that is within me, all the obsession, all the compulsion, all the ugly things I’d rather not examine. I’m giving everything I have to my higher power because you know? I will never win. I will never be able to do those things for myself. I will never be able to cure myself of my afflictions without the grace of an eternal, loving presence. I just won’t. The battle is over and I lost.
I dream of a world where we know it’s safe to open ourselves up to a power greater than ourselves. A world where we allow our higher power to come in and relieve us of our afflictions. A world where we recognize we are only able to do what we can do through the grace of God. A world where we surrender ourselves completely to an eternal loving presence in body, mind and soul.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.