I had an experience a few days ago that I keep thinking about. If you follow me on Instagram (@krsnasfav), you already heard this story, but I want to share it here too. As I walked to the chiropractor, I felt dismal, irritated, and hopeless. Everything surrounding Israel and Palestine weighed me down, I didn’t hear back from people I expected to hear back from, and things were just not working how I wanted them to.
I don’t know why I had this urge, but I looked up at the sky and saw a rainbow reflected in a cloud. I took a picture and glanced around, wondering if anyone else also saw this rainbow. Even though my phone was pointed upward, and my head tilted back, the other passersby didn’t notice. They didn’t look up. After 10 seconds, the rainbow disappeared.
The rainbow in question. Photo by me.
It felt like a sign specifically for me, but because I can’t keep these things to myself, it feels like a sign for you too because you’re a part of my life. After seeing that rainbow, my whole mood shifted. I was reminded good things are possible, that life has a way of working out, and maybe I didn’t need to be quite so down in the dumps.
I would say a feeling of hope returned but apparently hope is not what I think it is. Research defines hope as a “positive motivational state that is based on an interactively derived sense of successful (a) agency (goal-directed energy), and (b) pathways (planning to meet goals).” Optimism on the other hand is the belief that somehow – either through luck, others’ actions, or your own actions – that the future will be successful and fulfilling.
While technically I felt optimistic, that word doesn’t sit right with me because seeing a random rainbow in a cloud, which is a rare occurrence, and on a sunny day, is a message of hope if I’ve ever heard of one. That rainbow was a harbinger of good things to come because wouldn’t you know it? My week turned around. The checks I was waiting on came in the mail, people finally got back to me, and I heard more care and nuance about the Israel-Palestine situation.
It only takes one moment but your whole mood can shift. I forget that. I get stuck on the “Life is like this and it will always feel like this,” setting. But when I see things like rainbows, hearts, or the word “love,” I’m reminded that there is a loving, benevolent force in the world and It’s doing Its best to draw me closer to It.
My spiritual teacher says, “When people advance, that which propels them from behind is known as momentum, and that which pulls them from in front is known as attraction. Momentum and attraction can be physical, psychic, and also spiritual.”
That’s what hope feels like to me, something pulling me from the front, urging me forward, whispering to me not to give up even when giving up feels like the most natural thing in the world. How do I regain hope when I feel hopeless? I think it’s by having things work out the way I want them to, but maybe really, it’s by seeing how the universe is pulling me toward it, calling me, and saying, “I’m here. You’re not alone. All is well.”
I dream of a world where we look for signs of hope around us. A world where we understand life can change in an instant for the better. A world where we remember we’re being pulled forward by a power greater than ourselves. A world where we regain a sense of hope when we’re hopeless.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
What with the recent Climate Strike, Greta Thunberg’s speech at the UN, and the news in general, climate change has been on my mind. Jonathan Franzen wrote an article recently about a new kind of climate change denialism, which is denying how bad things will likely get. He says, “The climate apocalypse is coming. To prepare for it, we need to admit that we can’t prevent it.”
Franzen’s essay elicited a lot of ire for multiple reasons. Climate scientists refuted his claims of doom and gloom, and others pointed out the sexism and racism in giving a novelist room to write about climate change as opposed to others who are experts in the field. As for me, I’m teetering on the edge of doom and gloom. I’m thrilled about the passion we’re seeing from youth especially. I’m excited that friends of mine are becoming vegan or vegetarian. It’s incredible to see all the changes people are making. And at the same time, we’re already experiencing the effects of climate change.
Could some beauty come from all this? Photo by Jakob Owens on Unsplash
That’s not news to most people, but I’m repeating it now because there is a sense of loss, of mourning. The world is different now than it was 10 years ago. We’re undergoing another mass extinction. Am I crying about it? Yes I am. And at the same time a different perspective is arising.
I think about how dinosaurs used to roam this Earth and then became extinct. Their extinction paved the way for me, for us. Could the same be true for climate change? Please don’t misunderstand, I’m not saying we should move full steam ahead and kill everything because by doing so a new creature will appear. Nor am I saying people should continue to feed every greedy impulse and use up all the planet’s natural resources. But what I am wondering is perhaps whether good can come from doom. That the changes we’re experiencing on the planet are real and terrible; that many people will die and suffer, and maybe we’ll move into a new era. One that’s more thoughtful, more equitable, more cooperative because we’ve learned we literally cannot live any other way.
My spiritual teacher has said in passing that eventually blue eyes will become extinct. As someone with blue-green eyes that gives me a pang, and it demonstrates to me extinction is built into existence. Eventually maybe everything goes extinct. I don’t want to speed the process along by any means, but it has me wonder about the divine intelligence at play. What if I could mourn the planet, fight like hell to save it, and at the same time believe something beautiful could rise from the rubble? Even saying that right now, I feel more hope and less fear, and that’s a great place for me to be.
I dream of a world where we act as stewards of the planet, caring for it as best we can. A world where we recognize that change is sad and scary but also inevitable. A world where we grasp that something beautiful can come from something tragic.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
“Life should not be motivated by fear.” I’ve heard that sentence hundreds of times but usually it goes in one ear and out the other. The message doesn’t land because my mind can’t compute the meaning. In some ways my life has absolutely been motivated by fear.
I’m applying to any and every job — some that I want and some that I don’t — because I’m scared. I’m casting as wide a range as possible because a part of me feels desperate. I’m like that person on Tinder who swipes right for every profile because I want someone, anyone, to say, “Yes, I’ll go out with you.” I get it. We say with jobs and with dating that it’s a numbers game so on some level it makes sense to apply for everything, to say yes to everyone. But on another level it does not.
Reach for the clouds! Or something. . . Photo by Samuel Zeller on Unsplash
I’m saying yes to everything because I’m scared that I won’t be hired anywhere. I’m not accounting for my own needs and wants. Instead I’m saying I’ll settle for anything. Sometimes that’s necessary. In my situation it’s not. I’m already living off of unemployment and food stamps. This is as low as it gets for me because I won’t be homeless — I have too many friends and family to allow that to happen. So this? This is the worst it will get for me given the circumstances.
What would my life look like if I wasn’t motivated by fear? What if my job search wasn’t motivated by fear but instead joy, service, or faith? What would be different? For starters, my mindset would change. I wouldn’t say “if I get hired” but instead “when I get hired.” I’d believe the right job is coming along at some point. I’d apply places that make use of my skills and talents instead of any job, every job.
Writing this my chest is tight and my breathing is shallow because a part of me is very attached to the fear perspective. I’m afraid to stop being afraid. But I want to and am willing to try something new.
My spiritual teacher says over and over again that the universe knows what we need and want before we do. That there’s a loving entity looking out for us, guiding us, giving us what we need. We don’t always realize it at the time; often it only becomes clear in retrospect. I’m finding that to be true for me. I won’t list all the reasons why right now but will say briefly that being unemployed has meant sleeping in every day for more than three months. As someone who didn’t sleep well for seven years, this is a tremendous gift and means I’m healing in ways I never thought possible. So perhaps my higher power knows what’s best for me after all.
I dream of a world where we are motivated by joy, love, service, and faith. A world where we hold out for what we want when we’re fortunate to be in a position to do so. A world where we realize our higher power is acting in our best interest and we surrender to that, trusting all is well.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
My therapist said something to me this week that I’d heard before but this time I really heard. He told me, “There are some things you don’t need to know.” I’m a curious person and want to know everything. That curiosity is a key component of being a journalist. It’s a journalist’s job to find out as much as possible about a story. However, truly, there are some things we don’t need to know.
I think we understand this in the context of children. Children are not served by hearing the full details of scary or complex things. We don’t tell them graphic details of war or rape. We may paint with broad brushstrokes or present information in a way they understand, but children don’t need to know everything.
I know these are the “evil” monkeys, but they work well with knowledge too. Photo by Joao Tzanno on Unsplash.
In many spiritual traditions, God or higher power or the divine is parentified. We are usually called divine children of God or a variation of that, and so it follows that perhaps higher power treats us the same way a parent would, as in the universe shields us from information. I’ve said before if I knew all the things the universe had in store for me I would get overwhelmed. That continues to be true. After contemplating I don’t need to know everything about the future, I feel more at ease. I feel more at peace. I feel more trust that it’s not my job to gather as much information as possible and strategize regarding all the scenarios.
We have the saying, “Ignorance is bliss.” I usually think about that expression with wistfulness, wishing I could go back in time and remain ignorant to bad news. Or I utter it with envy, wishing I could be like someone else who doesn’t know what I know. However, maybe I can continue to experience bliss in the form of ignorance by remembering I don’t have to answer every question; that I don’t have to know what will happen next. Maybe it’s OK for me to be in the dark sometimes and trust it’s for a good reason. Maybe I can relax into the knowledge I am still a child and there is still a parent taking care of me. Not my birth parents, although them too, but also an unseen parent, a mystical parent.
My spiritual teacher says it is the duty of the Cosmic Consciousness to look after us, the divine children. He also said this Cosmic Consciousness will do whatever is best for us, that our needs and necessities are better known by this divine energy.
“A child of two months does not know what she requires; her mother knows,” he wrote. “She is solely dependent upon her mother. Similarly, devotees are solely dependent on the Cosmic Father, and for that reason the Cosmic Father has a special responsibility.”
For today anyway, I’m feeling into that more, letting myself be a child. Letting myself swim in ignorance, recognizing the bliss that comes with it. I’m remembering I don’t need to know everything and also that I’m dependent on a power greater than myself that is taking care of me.
I dream of a world where we realize sometimes it’s OK to be in the dark. A world where we understand we don’t need to know everything. A world where we realize there is a force greater than us in the world and that force is here, acting as our parent.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
For the audio version of this post, scroll to the bottom.
I’ve been sharing this with people and it seems to touch them so I’m sharing it with you too.
I think I was always meant to live in my current space for a short period of time. When I first moved in my mom came down to help me get settled (bless her). We went to every big box store and thrift store around searching for things I would need to make my space more comfortable. Stuff like a standing lamp. We searched everywhere and couldn’t find one. In fact, the closest we came was a lamp at Goodwill that after the employee plugged it in, sparked and gave him an electric shock.
Instead of a standing lamp I’m using this paper lantern, which I had in my closet, so another instance of being taken care of in advance!
I think higher power created a block so I wouldn’t invest in my living space, in this case monetarily. I think I was prevented from finding the more expensive things I needed for this spot in particular because I was never meant to be here long.
When things don’t go my way I rail against the universe, stew in frustration, and think the whole world is against me. I’m seeing, yet again, that perhaps when things don’t go my way, it’s because they’re not supposed to. That actually, even I’m not supposed to go that way. That’s not to say moving in here was a mistake – it wasn’t – but clearly, this is a short-term fling.
Some things require hard work and patience, but I’m starting to see when there’s one road block after another, when the universe keeps putting up signs that say, “Stop. Don’t go this way,” maybe it’s because it’s better for me to not go that way! That not all obstacles are meant to be overcome. That some obstacles are the universe’s way of taking care of me.
I’m focusing on housing in this post, but I think the concept applies to other things too – jobs, relationships, opportunities. Maybe when there’s one obstacle after another after another, higher power is saying, “Turn around.” And maybe when we’re not allowed to invest financially or emotionally it’s because it’s better if we don’t. I can only imagine how angry and bitter I would feel if my landlady blew up at me and asked me to move out after I spent a lot of money fixing my place up and unpacked everything. At the moment, some of my stuff is still in boxes and there are no pictures on the walls. Not to mention, I saved almost all of my moving boxes so obviously on some level I knew this was coming. And even though I don’t enjoy this turn of events, I can still sit back and see how I’m taken care of in advance.
I dream of a world where we understand some obstacles are for our benefit. A world where we realize not every obstacle is meant to be overcome. A world where we understand sometimes things don’t work out and it’s for our own good. A world where we see we’re taken care of in advance.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
“First things sucks and then they’re awesome,” could be the theme for me this week. I was in Chicago for my annual work conference and things just did. not. start. well. I checked into my hotel – kind of a dump compared to where they put us up last year – and looked around the room for the mini-refrigerator I requested. (Eating my sattvic diet, which means no meat, no eggs, no onions, no garlic, no mushrooms can be quite challenging while traveling. The easiest way to cope is to go grocery shopping.) The fridge wasn’t there.
I picked up the room phone and dialed the front desk.
“Hi, I requested a mini-refrigerator weeks ago and it’s not here.”
“I’m sorry, we only have one refrigerator in the entire hotel and it’s for medicine,” the front desk clerk told me.
“But I requested it weeks ago,” I explained while trying (unsuccessfully) to keep the frustration out of my voice.
“I’m sorry, so did our other guest. Do you need it for medical reasons?”
“Yes.” (Diet is a medical reason, right? Plus I still have a sprained ankle and needed somewhere to freeze my icepack.)
“Can you keep it here at the front desk?” she asked.
“No, I need to take it at regular intervals.” (Food needs to be taken at regular intervals!)
“Ok, let me get back to you,” she said.
I sat on the bed, already cantankerous because I was completely exhausted from waking up early to catch my flight and from traveling over Thanksgiving. I was so not in the mood to deal with this.
She called me back and said I could stay in the studios next door, which had full refrigerators.
“Is it going to cost extra?”
“No, it’s for medicine, right?”
“Yes,” I replied.
“Then no, it’s not.”
I packed up my stuff again and went next door to the hotel’s long-term residences. (I think that’s what they’re called.) I walked in and the place was practically twice the size of my previous room. And it had a full kitchen – stove, microwave, refrigerator. First things sucked then they were awesome.
A couple of days later my icepack snapped in half because the freezer setting was too high, making my icepack extremely brittle. Aiyee. Walking around a conference all day on a sprained ankle without ice is not a good thing. I strapped on my black medical boot and hobbled to the closest Walgreen’s in the freezing cold. When I got there what did I find? They were running a special on combination heat/ice packs. Buy one get one free. First things sucked then they were awesome.
I could write a few more because this whole week things have been like that, but really I want to say this is an extension of my post from two weeks ago: “Hitaesanápresito’pavargah,” meaning ultimately everything is for our own good. I may not believe it at the time, but this week has been a good indicator of how my higher power really does love me and really does want what’s best for me. How everything happens for a reason in my best interest. I may not believe it at the time but really it does.
I needed to be reminded of that this week because I’m undergoing massive challenges in my life right now on seemingly every plane. It’s enough to make a girl sit down and cry (and I have). Sometimes I don’t believe everything will turn out the better. Sometimes I believe things just suck. Period. But they don’t. It may just take a while for the awesome to show up. It may take years before I understand why I had to go through what I did. But every time I look back I see clearly I came out the better. I see the hardship, the pain, the suck, if you will, ultimately led me to something bigger, broader, grander, and more awesome. And when I remember that I feel much better.
I dream of a world where we can hang in long enough to see the rainbow at the end of the storm. I dream of a world where we realize everything is ultimately for our own good. A world where we understand sometimes at first things suck but then they are awesome. A world where we understand sometimes the weeds have to be cleared to allow for new growth. A world where we can keep in mind divine right action is always taking place in our lives whether we know it or not.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
In Sanskrit there is a saying, “Hitaesanápresito’pavargah,” which translates as, “The requital of action is guided by the divine wish of welfare.” More simply it means everything that happens to us, whether we perceive it to be good or bad is ultimately for our own well-being. And also everything that happens to us is ultimately to bring us closer and closer to the divine. I believe it.
Right now there is a war going on within me. I found out on Tuesday my job has been terminated effective Dec. 30th. The magazine I work for is turning out its lights. My ego is freaking out. I have all these insecurities and worries and fears popping up. “How am I going to pay for my rent?!? I love where I live! How am I going to make money? What’s going to happen?!? Waaahhhhhhhhh.” Just like that.
The other part of me feels so at ease, so at peace because I know, I KNOW this is a part of a broader plan. Even when I started working for the magazine I told my parents, “I think I’m only going to be there for two years.” And when I found out eventually the entire company would be moving to new headquarters with an open office plan I said to my parents, “I don’t think I’m going to be there when they move into the new office.” In September I had worked for the magazine for two years. In January the company is moving. Clearly this is all happening for a reason. Clearly this is ultimately for my good.
Why do I say that? Because I’ve been wanting to devote more time to my beloved company Tri-Sight Entertainment (fan us on facebook!) and I haven’t been able to because I work full time. Come Jan. 1st I won’t anymore. So this? This is it. This is my transition. This is my opportunity to pour my heart and soul into a project I really care about. And it’s also my opportunity to move closer to the Supreme because all this? Is completely out of my hands. I don’t dictate when Tri-Sight will make enough money to pay my rent. I don’t dictate how or when I’ll get another writing job to pay my bills. I just don’t. My ego really wishes I did but I don’t. And like I said above there is a battle within me.
At this moment I have a choice. I can continue to freak out and worry about what comes next, I can sit and stew and scheme and listen to my ego. Or I can move closer to God and feel at ease and at peace knowing all is well, knowing I’m taken care of even if I don’t know what form it will take. Knowing I will be provided for and knowing my higher power has great things in store for me. In doing so I rely on a power greater than myself and I put my trust and faith in that power. In essence, I turn to God.
I can’t say I’ll feel at peace 10 minutes from now or that my ego won’t get the best of me but I can say I don’t want it to. I can say I’d rather stick with knowing I am safe, secure and protected. I’d rather stick with feeling at peace, feeling calm, feeling like my higher power really is taking care of me. I can say that’s how I’d rather feel. I can also tell you that’s what I dream for others.
I dream of a world where we turn over our fears feeling calm and relaxed. A world where we realize everything that happens to us is for our own good. A world where we know we are always taken care of, even if we don’t know how or the source. A world where we feel free to be ourselves because we recognize a higher power has it covered. A world where we listen to the calm, sweet voice in our head and say to the ego, “I acknowledge you’re freaking out. That’s ok. I love you just the same.”
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.