Many years ago, I had a conversation with one of my closest friends about enlightenment. We compared our approaches – how I live in idealism, fantasy, and move toward the light. He told me his approach is more like crawling down the back of a scaly beast until he comes full circle at its snout. I heard what he said but I didn’t understand it because who wants to go down the scaly back of a beast? Who wants to peer into the seedy underbelly?
It turns out that I do. I’m currently experiencing the astrological transits associated with the mid-life crisis (and if you were born in 1984 or 1985, you are too). If you’re interested, that’s Pluto square Pluto, and essentially it means looking at the shadow and everything that remained hidden. It’s doing what Carl Jung suggested when he said, “One does not become enlightened by imagining figures of light, but by making the darkness conscious.”
I’m realizing how true that is. In my post from the other week about meeting the self, I talked about the importance of looking in the mirror, and sometimes, when you look in the mirror, you don’t like what you see. Some people become well-practiced at avoiding the mirror. It’s too scary, it’s too threatening to witness the parts they want to hide but that’s not me. I’m devoted to myself and that means all parts of myself.
As if to underscore this point, I pulled an oracle card called “Diving for Light.” The author Alana Fairchild says, “It can be so much simpler to seek light in the heavenly, in that which is blissful, sweet, loving, and kind. To look for the light in that which is dark is an advanced task that only a rebellious and brave heart will attempt. You may not feel that you have taken such a journey by choice. Yet you have taken this wise challenge from deep within your soul. Your innermost being has evoked this situation in your life with the intention that you grow in power, wisdom, and creative juice. It also wants you to experience a bold and fearless trust in life and become further empowered to live it with zest and courage.”
That’s true. I want to live fully. I want to liberate myself through expansion, and that means every situation, every struggle, every everything is an opportunity to move closer to the Divine Beloved or further away. My spiritual teacher says our path is an all-around fight, both internally and externally. That means facing my fears, protesting injustice, and always asking, “How can I use this situation or experience to grow?” It’s not only the happy, joyful situations. It’s also the ones that have me crying every single day.
I’m diving for the light by mining the darkness. I’m sifting through the muck looking for gold, not because I particularly want to, but because I recognize there’s something of value in doing so. On the other end of this is more power, more wisdom, more creativity, and being one step closer to enlightenment.
I dream of a world where we understand to become enlightened, we must make the darkness conscious. A world where we use everything as an opportunity to move closer to the Divine Beloved. A world where we dive for the light because we understand that something powerful and transformative is waiting for us in the shadows.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I’m editing a fascinating book about judgment. I can’t quote from it because, hi, it’s unpublished and also not my writing, but I can talk about the general ideas and also quote from others.
My client makes the case that when we judge other people, it’s often because we aren’t tending to the vulnerable parts of ourselves. The parts that need to be met with love and care. For instance, if I say, “He’s so lazy,” it’s likely there’s a part of me that’s sad because I long to rest. But instead of holding that grief – that I desire to rest and feel unable to do so – I’m projecting and calling that man lazy. And judgment of any kind, toward others or the self, breaks connection with our own heart, to paraphrase Tara Brach.
Why does that matter? The older I get and the deeper I go into spirituality, the more I understand that enlightenment is not only living in the light. It’s going into the shadows. It’s descending into the metaphorical underworld to rescue the parts of ourselves that we’ve exiled. The ones who are scared. The ones who are ashamed. The ones who feel unlovable. Writer and spiritual teacher Jeff Foster Brown says: “Real spirituality is all about ‘enrealment’ – it includes everything human in the equation. The real now is the one that includes everything we left behind on the path. We must work through our story before the unresolved elements of our story kill us.”
Meeting the Self is one the hardest and most healing things we can do. Photo by Михаил Секацкий on Unsplash
The unresolved elements of our story remain unresolved until we face them. It’s the low hum of anxiety in the background, even though on paper everything looks fine. It’s the vaguely dissatisfying nature of our relationships. It’s the knowledge that we could be doing so much more but we’re not. You could live your whole life like that, and many people do. But regardless, these feelings are symptoms; they are an invitation to meet your Self.
Psychotherapist Matt Licata wrote:
“The invitation is into intimate communion: to move closer, and even closer still, into the feelings, the emotions, and the sensations as they surge. To surround the surging material with curiosity, warmth, and most importantly with kindness, as an inner explorer of the galaxy of your own body, of which there is no temple more sacred.”
So many people try to escape themselves – into the arms of another person, via the bottom of a bottle, through the excitement of a video game – but it doesn’t work long term. Speaking as an addict in recovery, I know from experience. I have the receipts. But my whole life got so much better – richer, fuller, more joyful – when I stopped running and met my Self. You might be saying, “That’s so vague. What does it even mean?”
I can’t condense nearly two decades of personal development into a single blogpost but if you’re interested in meeting your Self, and I recognize you may not be, a good place to start is with a timer.
When I was early in recovery, feeling my feelings was like being flayed alive. It was excruciating. Deeply painful. Scary. Feeling my feelings was the last thing I wanted to do! What if they never ended? What if I was sad/scared/angry forever?!? What helped was setting a timer. For five minutes, I let myself feel whatever I was feeling and after the five minutes (that usually turned into 10), I would stop. The feelings had a beginning and an end. When the timer rang, I could go on with my day. That was the beginning of meeting myself.
As my client emphasizes, healing happens with presence – not trying to fix, change, or solve anything. Just presence. Just being with. And we don’t need to wait for someone else to do that, we can give presence to ourselves. And the more we are present with ourselves, the more we are present with others. The more we meet ourselves, the more we can meet our true selves as divine beings of light. And that’s something I wish for everyone.
I dream of a world where we understand judgment is a protection mechanism. A way of not tending to the ones inside. A world where we see these judgments as invitations to turn inward. A world where we commune with the entirety of who we are because we understand enlightenment is about enrealment. A world where we are brave enough to meet ourselves.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I keep thinking about fantasy, delusion, and reality. A spiritual teacher I like was convinced Kamala Harris would become the next president. When Trump won on election night, she said, “Kamala won’t concede! She’ll ask that the election be investigated!” When that didn’t happen, this teacher said, “The election won’t be certified!” And then when that didn’t happen, she said, “Just wait until late April or early May. This election isn’t over! It’s all about to end!”
What interests me is not the content – people believe wacky things all the time – it’s that she kept saying her intuition told her all of this was true. And not only her intuition, but intuitive tools like tarot cards and signs. All of her tarot cards said more would be revealed. And she received sign after sign, things like walking around town and seeing t-shirts and bumper stickers that said, “The End,” which she interpreted to mean Trump’s reign was about to come to an end.
Yet here we are in mid-May and Donald Trump is still president. So what gives? How could her intuition be so wrong? Especially when she received external signs? It’s not like you can make that sort of thing up. Here’s the thing: An incredibly painful lesson I’ve had to learn over and over again is that signs are literal. People read into them, adding in their own layers, but usually, the universe will answer the question you ask.
Let yourself ground in reality, not fantasy. Photo by Stas Ostrikov on Unsplash
Here’s a perfect example from my own life: When I was in my early-20s, I was completely enamored with an avoidant man. I didn’t know he was avoidant because I didn’t learn that term until later, but what I did know is we had a strong connection, yet he ran away from it. He was hot and cold, giving me mixed signals, and it made my head spin. Was this something worth pursuing or not? So I asked the universe. I said, “Who is my soulmate?” and literally in that moment, a truck drove by with just this man’s initials spray-painted across the side in giant letters. It seemed pretty clear to me. He was my soulmate! We would get married and live happily ever after!
Spoiler alert: We didn’t. I thought “soulmate” meant romantic partner but it doesn’t. A soulmate is someone who you have a deep connection with and often impacts your life in a profound way. This could be a friend, a boss, or even a pet. And this man? He absolutely changed the trajectory of my life. It was because of him that I pursued healing and immersed myself in the world of mental health, so much so that I’m a ghostwriter for therapists. I became a different person as a result of our connection. Was he my soulmate? Yes. Was he my “sitting in rocking chairs growing old together partner?” No.
That’s the thing about signs and intuition – we receive information but the interpretation is likely skewed based on our desires, biases, and more. This is also why using our brains is so important. My spiritual teacher says, “The highest treasure of human beings, distinct from other creatures, is their intellectual superiority. Had there been no intelligence in humans, they would hardly be different from other animals.”
He encourages everyone to practice discernment. To use their brains as well as their intuition. Like if your intuition says Elon Musk used his internet provider Starlink to steal the 2024 election for President-elect Donald Trump, to check whether voting equipment is even connected to the internet (it isn’t). Or if your intuition says to buy a car and then you take it to two mechanics and they say the car is a lemon, trust them.
I know it can be excruciatingly painful when your intuition doesn’t match reality. I don’t want to minimize that because these experiences of learning I misinterpreted my intuition have been the most heart-wrenching of my life. And at the same time, reality is reality. I’d much rather be grounded in reality than live in some fantasy land that never comes true. I’ve been in fantasy plenty of times and it only ever ends in disappointment and heartbreak, which is much worse than seeing things as they really are.
I dream of a world where we understand that interpreting our intuition is an art, not a science. A world where we recognize that the universe is very literal and oftentimes we’re the ones that add in layers and meaning to the signs and messages we receive. A world where instead of relying solely on intuition, we also use logic and reason. A world where we ground ourselves in reality because reality is where life happens.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I’m recycling this post from five years ago so no, I didn’t interview for a job recently – I still have my own business – but the message about some things not making sense is still valid.
I interviewed for a job recently that sounded perfect for me. When I told my friends about the position, they all laughed because it seemed like such a great fit. It turns out it wasn’t because the company decided not to proceed with my application. It stings and also doesn’t make much sense to me.
I started puzzling why they didn’t hire me, trying to comprehend their reasoning. My therapist told me, “Some things don’t make sense, and sometimes suffering happens.” Ouch. Can that not be true? Thanks. It’s interesting to notice how much I don’t accept this perspective. I want a reason for everything. I want to know why. Why did a man try to run over pedestrians because he thought they were Muslims? Why did someone open fire on a synagogue during a Passover service? Why did a man shoot elementary school students?
Some things you can’t figure out. Photo by Daniele Levis Pelusi on Unsplash
There are lots of possible answers – people are sick, they’re hurting, etc. – but there are many sick and hurting people who don’t kill others. Can I allow myself to instead grieve over the fact I don’t understand why people act this way? My adult self can rationalize ad nauseam, but the young part of me doesn’t get it. Doesn’t understand why a job that seemed so perfect slid away, doesn’t understand why people disappear, and certainly doesn’t understand why people are cruel.
I think part of this is because I prefer to live in denial, or an idealistic fantasy. I mean, I know bad things happen, but I like to rush by them as quickly as I can, like walking past foul-smelling garbage. It’s hard for me to accept the harshness of life.
In my spiritual tradition, we say the word “God” is an acronym. It stands for Generator, Operator, and Destroyer. I can totally get behind the generator and operator part. I’m all about creation and maintenance. The destroyer, though? Surely that’s not God, is it? It is. Black holes are God and death is God and decay is God. It’s painful for me to admit that, I don’t want it to be true, but it’s true nonetheless. This is the cycle of life, a never-ending rhythm of creation, operation, and destruction.
My spiritual teacher says, “An indivisible cosmic rhythm which started from beginningless time marches ahead to infinity. No creature can remain away from this internal divine flow.” He also says that which is beyond the scope of causality is liilá. What we don’t understand, what we can’t explain, is called liilá. I could spend my life trying to figure out things I’ll never have an answer for, or I can accept that some things just don’t make sense.
I dream of a world where we realize we won’t understand everything. A world where we allow ourselves the time and space to grieve the senseless and the tragic. A world where we understand that, too, is God, and that, too, is a part of life. A world where we recognize we are all a part of a universal rhythm.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
It’s the time of year when people are making resolutions, plans, and goals for themselves. They’re picturing who they want to be and what they want to do this year. Someone asked me if I had any resolutions and the answer is no because my biggest lesson of 2024 was, “Stay in the moment because you don’t have a clue how things will turn out.”
Over and over again life surprised me with curveballs both good and bad. Longtime friends drifted out of my life. New ones arrived on my doorstep. High-paying clients stopped providing me with work. New ones took their place. I couldn’t have predicted any of it. So instead of making lists of what I want to accomplish, I’m embracing something poet Mary Oliver said: “Keep some room in your heart for the unimaginable.” As someone prone to worry, the “unimaginable” is often synonymous with “terrible.” Things like, “An earthquake is going to swallow me up!” or, “My dear friend is going to get hit by a bus!”
What’s around the bend? We have no idea. Photo by Dirk Spijkers on Unsplash
I’m pretty sure that’s not what Mary Oliver meant when she said keep room for the unimaginable. I suspect she meant, “Allow room for wonder, possibility, and joy.” When I read her quote, I feel warmth in my heart and remember that good things can happen out of the blue like meeting new friends, getting accepted into a film festival, or finding out you’re pregnant. The unimaginable can be incredibly sweet even if it wasn’t planned.
What I’ve learned in an even deeper way over the past year is I’m not meant to know everything. Life isn’t meant to follow a script, or at least not one we have access to. My spiritual teacher says, “Human beings should always remember that living beings are only actors in the vast universal drama composed by [Cosmic Consciousness]. . . . One should remember: ‘We are only playing specific roles in a great drama. I will act properly according to the role I have been given in this drama.’ This is a person’s duty. It is meaningless for a person to think about anything more than this – about what is beyond oneʼs power.”
There are many, many things beyond my power but what I can control is how I’m showing up in the world. Am I overly focused on my plan, my story, and how I think things should go? Or am I softening into the great unknown and remembering to save room in my heart for the unimaginable? This year I’d like to do the latter. So maybe I have a New Year’s resolution after all.
I dream of a world where we remember life can be surprising and delightful. A world where we understand we are all actors in a drama we didn’t write and don’t have the script for. A world where in addition to our plans, we save room in our hearts for the joyfully unimaginable.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
If you’re reading this on December 1, today is my 40th birthday. I’ve had numerous feelings about this birthday. I’ve cried many tears about it because I’m not at all where I thought I’d be at this age. I don’t have anything society told me I “should” have at 40 as a cis-het woman: I’m single, childless, and don’t own a home.
When I mentioned this to my sister, she said, “Yeah but those are normie milestones,” which put things into perspective because when have I ever been normal? (The answer: never.) I may not have the things society told me I “should” have, but there are other milestones that I’m proud of. I’ve been in recovery from an eating disorder for 15 years. It’s been so long that in the novel I’m writing about a bulimic, I completely forgot the main character would say mean things about her body on a daily basis. I’m so removed from that version of myself it literally didn’t occur to me that my character’s inner dialogue would be fatphobic and berating.
Speaking of writing, I’ve written three books – a memoir, a romantic comedy, and the current heroine’s journey novel about belonging and recovery from an eating disorder. When I wrote the romantic comedy, I said over and over again, “I don’t think I can write 50,000 words” because I never had. And I used to joke around that I couldn’t write fiction to save my life. Here I am with two novels under my belt.
Another milestone: My business, rebekahmoan.com, isn’t a part of the statistic about most businesses failing within the first five years. It’s been five years and it’s still going strong. It doesn’t look the way it did when I started but that to me shows I’m adaptable. I can change. Related, it’s harder to measure but I have done so much healing work. I’ve learned to soothe my inner child, be my own secure loving parent, feel my feelings, set boundaries, and communicate my needs. Years ago, I was an anxious, people-pleasing, scaredy cat terrified of standing up for herself. Through some incredibly difficult circumstances, that all changed.
Me with my niece, Mira. I’m grateful for her and all the people in my life.
I’ve worked hard for this version of myself and I’m proud of that. Of me. I’ve been in the trenches of my body, mind, and soul learning how to be the best version of myself and I can honestly say I’m healthier than I was at 30 in every possible way. (In large part that’s because my sleep disorder finally got sorted in 2018.) That’s amazing and worth celebrating.
This post is about me but I’m sharing it with you because I bet you also have milestones that society wouldn’t necessarily notice or celebrate like keeping a plant alive for three years, meditating every day for a month, or finally having friends when for so long you were alone.
Celebrating these unconventional milestones reminds me we are all unique incarnations of the Divine Beloved. The central tenet of my spiritual practice is the universe is coming to know itself through me and you. We are the human expression of divinity. We are not human beings having a spiritual experience, but spiritual beings having a human experience, to quote Pierre Teilhard de Chardin.
Other people who speak to this idea eloquently are Brian Swimme and Mary Evelyn Pope who write in their book Journey of the Universe, “[J]ust as the Milky Way is the universe in the form of a galaxy, and an orchid is the universe in the form of a flower, we are the universe in the form of a human. And every time we are drawn to look up into the night sky and reflect on the awesome beauty of the universe, we are actually the universe reflecting on itself. And this changes everything.”
We are the universe reflecting on itself and just as the Cosmos is vast, so are the experiences of human life. We’re not all meant to follow a neat and orderly direction or accomplish all the same things. We’re meant to be wholly ourselves and that means making new milestones.
I dream of a world where we’re proud of ourselves for the things we’ve accomplished even if no one else is. A world where we understand we’re all unique expressions of the Divine Beloved and that means we all express ourselves in different ways. A world where instead of comparing ourselves to other people, we make our own milestones.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
A friend sent me a podcast he created solely using AI and it freaked me out. By feeding a discourse into a large language model, it spit out a realistic conversation between two “people.” I didn’t love the podcast because the speakers said “like” too much, but still. AI created something much easier and swifter than me, a human. From there I spiraled into “AI will replace me” territory because I’m not a plumber – I’m a writer.
I tried to soothe myself by remembering AI can only regurgitate what’s already been generated and I’m creating something new. For instance, the novel I’m writing centers on a woman with an eating disorder who finds recovery from it. As astounding as it may seem, that story doesn’t exist for adults! So there’s still a role for me. But/and the whole thing has me pondering what are my gifts? And beyond that, what does it mean to be human?
The thing I do as a human that AI cannot is commune with subtle energies. I receive messages from the Divine Beloved and communicate them to humanity. To that end, I’m sharing a letter from my higher power to me because I think you will also find it beneficial.
This picture reminded me of the expression, “Worth your weight in gold.” Photo by Kent Pilcher on Unsplash
Dear one,
You are irreplaceable. Who you are and what you contribute to the world is so much more than your paid work. It’s your interactions with others, it’s your life experience, it’s your wisdom, your kindness, and your love. You are a part of the web of life and bigger than what you generate or what AI can generate on your behalf.
You worry about AI replacing you but you don’t realize that’s impossible. A machine cannot fulfill all the roles and functions that you do. You are love itself and that’s more precious than anything currently in existence. You touch minds and hearts wherever you go and that’s what matters, not whether you can create a podcast in three minutes.
Society is entering a new phase of development where everyone is learning what it means to be human so you will become even more valuable. You do not treat people like machines. You don’t look at them for what they can produce or how they can help you. You look at people as expressions of divinity. You remind them they’re special and sacred and that cannot be quantified, nor can it be replaced.
I know you’re scared you’ll be out of a job soon but you will never be out of a job even if your role changes because your job is to know Me, to love Me, to move toward Me, the ever-loving entity that pervades this universe. When you take shelter under me, you are always shielded from every storm. So do not worry. You are held, you are loved, you are guided every moment of every day. Rest in that, trust in that, and know all is well.
I dream of a world where we recognize we are so much more than what we produce. A world where we understand we are irreplaceable as unique expressions of an infinite loving consciousness. A world where we understand we are interwoven in the web of life and that’s far more complicated than it may seem. A world where we remember we’re irreplaceable.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
All week I’ve been thinking about how people are complicated and contradictory. A person can be a mass murderer and an excellent dog parent. A man can beat his wife and act meek at work. A woman can preach love and kindness and be sharp and cutting with her inner circle. Instead of trying to puzzle out which side is the “real them,” my perspective is it’s all them.
Walt Whitman speaks to this in one of his poems when he writes, “Do I contradict myself? / Very well then I contradict myself, / (I am large, I contain multitudes.)” In therapy, this contradiction is recognized via the modality “Internal Family Systems,” also known as parts work. The traditional form of IFS categorizes the various parts of a person into three roles:
- Managers, who seek to control surroundings, manage emotions, and navigate tasks in daily life.
- Exiles, or parts that hold hurt, fear, and shame that are tucked away and hidden from conscious awareness.
- Firefighters, who seek to inhibit difficult emotions by any means necessary such as addiction.
Personally, I find those categories too limiting. For instance, I’ve done a lot of trauma and recovery work so the parts of me that hold hurt, fear, and shame are not exiled – they are seen, heard, and accepted. Regardless, what I appreciate about parts work is it recognizes how complex humans are – that we contradict ourselves and act in surprising ways. And instead of focusing on one part or another part, IFS emphasizes embracing all of it. IFS says the part of you that flies into a rage is just as much you as the part that weeps over a sunset. It’s ALL you.
We are everything. Photo by Austin Neill on Unsplash
Our society very much likes polarization and black-and-white thinking. “This person is a monster! This person is a saint! This thing is good! This thing is bad!” But that’s not true. Reality is nuanced. People are nuanced. You can be a little bit right and a little bit wrong AT THE SAME TIME! Baffling, right? But it’s true.
This is something I appreciate about my spiritual tradition – it emphasizes embracing everything. It doesn’t say this thing is an expression of an infinite loving consciousness but that thing is not. It doesn’t say, “You’re only allowed to feel happy and peaceful all the time.” No, my spiritual tradition says, “You’re human, you have instincts and emotions and we want you to feel those too. We want you to recognize those parts of you are also sacred and holy.”
Gorgeous, right? We practice viewing everything as sacred with something called madhuvidyá, which literally means “honey knowledge.” It’s a sort of magic wand that transforms your thinking when done well. My spiritual teacher says, “This madhuvidyá will pervade your exterior and interior with … [ecstasy] and will permanently alleviate all your afflictions. Then the ferocious jaws of [degeneration] cannot come and devour you. The glory of one and only one benign entity will shine forth to you from one and all objects.”
The practice of madhuvidyá says even this thing I don’t like or perhaps even hate is an expression of an infinite loving consciousness. Practicing madhuvidyá means I’m able to see beyond the surface of people, places, and things to witness their true form. I recognize everything is Brahma, Cosmic Consciousness, Source, the Universe, whatever name you have for it. And just as the universe is vast, complicated, and contradictory, people are too. As a reflection of Cosmic Consciousness, we contain multitudes.
I dream of a world where we understand people are not one way or another. A world where we recognize people have parts of themselves that get expressed at different times. A world where instead of thinking one part is real and another is false, we understand that all of it is true. A world where we remember that as reflections of Cosmic Consciousness, we contain multitudes.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Related to my post from last week about accepting the mystery is a Sanskrit word: liilá. What we don’t understand, what we can’t explain, is called liilá but the more literal translation is divine play or sport. My spiritual teacher says, “The numerous ways in which the divine game of [Cosmic Consciousness] is being played is simply beyond human imagination.”
So often I don’t think of life as a game, I think of it as a race. I’m trying to keep up with my peers and make it to the finish line as fast as possible so I can get my medal. But that’s not what we’re doing here – we’re playing. The distinction is important because as my friend Sohail Inayatullah demonstrates in his work of causal layered analysis, the myths and metaphors we carry are what deeply impact how we move through the world and thus our futures.
Sohail isn’t the only one to talk about the power of myths and stories, of course. You don’t have to be an academic or a therapist to know this is true. You likely have some experience with it yourself, either directly or indirectly. You probably know someone who thinks everyone is out to get them and they filter out all the ways people show up selflessly because it doesn’t fit with their worldview. You likely also know someone who thinks everything works out for them and it does.
It’s all just a dance. Photo by Ahmad Odeh on Unsplash
To get back to the metaphor of life as a game, what I like about it is that means things aren’t so serious. There’s less at stake. Not getting that promotion is no longer the massive deal it seems to be and instead similar to drawing a bad card and waiting for your turn to draw another one. Things are terrible now but just wait until you roll the dice again and move ahead three spaces. I don’t want to make light of the crappy things that happen in the world, of which there are many, but there’s a way to deal with the drama without it turning into a huge existential crisis.
Related to the concept of life as a game is something else my spiritual teacher said, which is, “Each and every created entity – whether crude, subtle, or causal – is vibrational and rhythmic. … The collective rhythms of all the rhythms emanating every moment from the countless objects of the cosmic imagination is called ‘universal rhythm.’”
My interpretation is everything has a rhythm – us included – and if that’s true, what if life isn’t only a game but a dance? Sometimes the dance is slow, other times it’s fast. Sometimes it’s partnered, or in a group, or solo. Some people sit out to catch their breath before joining but the dance continues. As my life continues to unfold, there’s something soothing about thinking I’m a part of a game and I’m not supposed to know what will happen next. Nor do I know what song will play next because I’m not the Cosmic DJ – I’m a dancer.
I dream of a world where we realize life isn’t a race but rather a game. A world where we remember the twists and turns is what makes the whole thing interesting. A world where we understand everything has a rhythm, us included. A world where we realize the music is constantly changing and that’s OK because we’re all over here dancing with the divine.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I want to know everything and if I could know it in advance, that would be great. As a journalist, this trait serves me – it drives me to keep asking questions and to understand whatever I’m writing about. In life though, well, I’m sure you can guess how this plays out, especially when life is doing its thing, i.e., being unpredictable and mysterious. For instance, I spent two months talking to a retreat site about renting their space at the end of the year and then all of a sudden, they said, “It’s not available.” They didn’t tell me why, give me a heads up that someone else was interested, nothing. Just, “Sorry, it’s not available but we hope to rent to you in the near future.” Um, thanks?
Many years ago, I spoke with a friend about this topic and he reminded me that the essential nature of our relationship to Higher Power is one of mystery. He likened it to being on a train where only Higher Power knows the destination. I think I know where we’re going as we crest hills and drop into valleys — I formulate an idea, but then the train keeps moving, so no, I don’t have a clue. Also, the more I try to understand, to know, and to control, the rougher my relationship with Higher Power is, and the rougher things are in the external world. The more I can let go and be OK with the mystery of life, the less I’m affected by curveballs and plans going awry. To be clear, I’m not unaffected just less affected.
If life were actually like a train then I’d know where I’m going. Photo by Josh Nezon on Unsplash
In the case of the retreat site, I screamed a little, punched a few pillows, worked out with weights, and then reminded myself that Higher Power always has a better plan than I do, even if it takes me a while to learn that. However, it’s also true that some things will always be a mystery – I’ll never get an answer, and by seeking one, I only drive myself crazy.
Accepting the mystery is something my spiritual teacher advocates. He says that Cosmic Consciousness has been “creating this unique, colorful world with His various powers. Why He is doing so is known to Him alone; no one else knows it. … It is a fact that human beings with their limited intellect can never understand the secrets of why and how [God] has been creating this universe; their wisdom can never fathom this mystery.”
Instead of trying to puzzle everything out, my teacher says, “You should think, ‘My little intellect cannot fathom all this – rather let me do one thing, let me establish a relation of sweet love with Him. When this relation of love is established, He will be my own, and I will know His inner secret; I will certainly find the answers to all the questions of ‘why.’”
I don’t know if I’ll finally know the answers to all my questions, but it certainly beats what I’ve been doing, which is hypothesizing, ruminating, and just generally overthinking. I still want to know why about everything, but what I’m coming to accept is my limited intellect is just that: limited. What helps me with the limitation is realizing life is a mystery and will remain a mystery. People are mysteries. Certain occurrences are mysteries. I can’t know everything the moment I want to so the best I can do is let go and keep developing a loving relationship with myself and with my Higher Power. And maybe one day I’ll eventually get the answers I seek.
I dream of a world where we remember we won’t always understand the things we want to understand. A world where we accept that life will perpetually throw us curveballs. A world where we remember our perspectives are limited and all we can do is continue to work on our relationship with the Great Self. A world where we accept the mysteries of life.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.