Another World is Probable

It’s been a while since I’ve written about future tripping. To me future tripping is planning out the future. Playing the, “If this happens I’ll do this,” game. Constructing a whole sequence of events before they even occur. I’ve been doing that this week because I’m planning a big retreat taking place at the end of this month. (P.S. You can check out the link here.) I’m thinking about, “Who will be the lunch in charge? Who will take care of the kids? What happens if so and so turns up? What happens if so and so doesn’t turn up?” There are sooo many things I’m contemplating and so many outcomes it’s making my head spin.

I also think about how futile the whole thing is. Months ago my friend L’s sister was in town and they invited me to go out to dinner with them. Because of the timing and the location of the restaurant it didn’t make sense for me to go home first. So I started doing allllll this planning. Contemplating where I would go after work. What I would do with myself. If I would try to read a book or whether I would do falun dafa. If I would wander around Chinatown. Where would I meditate. What would happen if I meditated at a temple and then walked around. How was I going to spend my time? So many things! So many possibilities! And you know what happened? The night we planned to go out to eat L’s sister got sick and they canceled. They canceled! I spent all that time thinking about what I would do and then none of it took place! All of my worrying was completely unfounded.

It was a nice reminder for me to live in the moment and stay present. It was a nice reminder I’d rather deal with things as they come instead of counting my chickens before they hatch. Because the truth of the matter is I have no idea what’s up ahead. I have no idea what tomorrow brings or even what the next 10 minutes brings. And since I’ve redefined my concept of a higher power, I know that no matter what’s ahead it’s for my good. So why worry? Why plan my whole life in advance?

Some things, like this retreat, require planning. Otherwise we might be sitting around twiddling our thumbs, but honestly, I don’t have to plan everything. I don’t have to think about, “Well what if this happens? Or that happens?” If it happens it does and I’ll deal with it then. Be prepared, yes, but not obsessive. I think that’s the difference.

In the case of going out to dinner with L and her sister, bring a book but also see how I feel at the time. Prepare but allow for all possibilities. I want to allow myself to still deal with situations as they come up and not hold onto what I think will happen like a dog chewing a bone. There’s no need to constantly replay situations in my head like a CD stuck on repeat.

I dream of a world where we allow ourselves to stay present. A world where we take things as they come one day at a time. A world where we release our fear of the future and instead live in the moment. A world where we know what’s ahead is for our own self-realization and growth and so we can sit back, relax, and enjoy the ride.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

You may have noticed from reading this blog I’m all about the self-realization. The growth. The change. You may also have noticed I want to get there as quickly as possible. If I’m feeling bad I want to feel good. If I’m feeling crazy I want to feel sane. If I’m feeling scared I want to feel safe. And I want it all to happen immediately. The sooner the better, thanks.

For the past few weeks I’ve been writing about my higher power, redefining my concept as well as my relationship. The whole thing pivots on trust. I’m learning I can trust my higher power and I can put my faith in a power greater than myself. What’s funny is prior to a few weeks ago, I thought I was already doing that! I really thought I trusted my higher power implicitly but I obviously didn’t, otherwise I wouldn’t have lived with so much fear. Otherwise I wouldn’t have been so afraid of the future or what could happen to me.

I think about trust walks. How one person is blindfolded while the other leads him or her around. I think about when I used to do them at group gatherings. I slapped a blindfold on and had no trouble walking at a steady pace because I knew the person pulling my arm would tell me if I were going to run into a tree stump. I knew they wouldn’t let me trip and fall. Because I trusted them. That’s the kind of relationship I’d like to have with my higher power. Unending trust. Complete faith. Total confidence. But right now? I don’t.

I don’t and that’s ok. This week I’ve been sobbing on the phone to my parents and close friends about how I want to trust my higher power implicitly and “OMG why don’t I?? Why don’t I have that relationship yet?!? I want it right now!” I’ve felt upset because I don’t have the relationship I want just yet. (Oh look! It’s the virtue I’ve been trying to learn my whole life: patience!) I’ve felt upset because it seems like now that I know my higher power loves me unconditionally, only wants what’s best for me, wants me to experience joy, I “should” trust it. I “should” feel complete and utter faith. That’s where the title of this post comes in.

I’ve been trying to force myself to be somewhere I’m not and it only causes me pain and frustration. It only causes me to cry and wail. And that’s not working for me so I’m allowing myself to be where I am. To feel what I feel and know it’s all ok. Louise Hay has an affirmation that says, “I am at peace where I am. I accept my good knowing all my needs and desires will be fulfilled.” Yeah. I’m at peace where I am. Knowing my relationship with my higher power will evolve. Knowing in the infinity of life where I am all is perfect, whole and complete. Knowing growth happens at a right and proper pace. Knowing it’s still growth, it’s still progress even if it’s not as fast as I want it to be. I know I’ll get to where I want to be, it just takes a while.

I dream of a world where we all feel at peace where we are. Where we move steady on the path of self-realization but also accept the spot we’re in. A world where we know we’ll get to where we’re going in time and there’s no rush. A world where we allow ourselves to go through the process with ease and grace. A world where we let ourselves be where we are and love the place where’re in. A world where we feel at peace.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

I had a conversation with a friend about this on Monday and it seems to be coming up for me as well so I figured it was worth a blogpost. My friend is looking for a place to live and she stumbled across a housing situation that seems like everything she’s been praying for. She said she’s scared to take it though because what if she loves it tremendously and then all of a sudden the whole thing falls apart? What if she experiences happiness unlike any she’s known and then her higher power decides to take it all away? I have that fear too.

I was all set to write a post about how it’s hard for me to accept the good things that come into my life. How it’s hard for me to say, “Ok God, I trust you.” How I’m scared to be in a relationship because what happens if it doesn’t work out? How will I bear that pain? But in even thinking about writing a post like that I felt a switch in my thinking. You know why? Because I deserve to rejoice in life and I accept all the pleasures life has to offer. Also my higher power is not out to get me or to punish me. My higher power wouldn’t say, “Here you go Rebekah. Here are all your dreams come to life,” and then turn around and take it all away from me to be mean. How does that serve anybody?

I realize everything that happens to me, everything is for my good. Is for my own growth and development. Every situation is to strip away all the layers of my ego, all the things that keep me locked in a place of separation from God. That means if my higher power were to take away a housing situation or a boyfriend or whatever, it’s for a damn good reason. It means there is some lesson that will take me to a higher, grander, more beautiful place. It means there is some lesson that will spur me on my path to enlightenment. There is nothing in my life that’s here to cause me undue suffering. There is nothing in my life that’s here to keep me miserable. Nothing.

I think about all the “bad” things that have happened to me like getting a crappy internship in London or not getting the job I really wanted in San Francisco. Looking back I see the good that came out of those situations. My terrible London internship was the first time I realized I would never be happy working for just some random publication, getting up and going to work in the morning. My terrible London internship was also the key moment I realized I wanted to use my words for good, for more than just making money.

The job I wanted so desperately in SF? It turns out if I got that job I would have been laid off. That entire magazine folded so really it’s quite lucky I’m working where I am.

I guess that’s what this post is about. Really synthesizing my new definition of a higher power. You know why? Because my higher power loves me. My higher power knows what’s in my best interest better than I do. My higher power wants me to experience joy and happiness and that means accepting the good things too. That means saying yes to an awesome relationship or an awesome living situation or an awesome job. That means saying yes to life, being unafraid because my higher power doesn’t take away things to spite me.

This is me saying I accept my good. I accept the good things coming into my life. I accept all the pleasures life has to offer. I accept and trust and believe my dreams will come true. And I also know if they don’t, that just means my higher power has something even better in store for me.

I dream of a world where we all feel it is safe for us to accept the good things in life. A world where we trust everything that happens is for our own self-realization. A world where we know the good things will stay in our lives as long as they serve us. A world where we know ultimately our higher power only wants us to be happy and that means accepting the good things that come our way.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

It’s funny how often the same issues crop up. Except not really because as I’ve written about before, they continue to crop up until we’ve mastered them. I’m mastering how to let something in and then let it go!

Ever since I wrote that post last week about realizing my higher power loves me unconditionally and nothing in my life is a punishment, I’ve been sick. (I’m completely unsurprised because when I have a big breakthrough on the mental plane it carries over to the physical plane.) What happens to me when I’m sick is the trifecta of ego-centered feelings kick in: fear, doubt and worry. There’s something about being sick that brings out my irrational side. What I tried to do is say to myself, “It’s ok Rebekah, you’re sick, you’re irrational, you know this isn’t the truth, you’ll feel better in the morning.” Except that didn’t help. In the moment I still felt what I was feeling.

Since logic didn’t work, then I tried to fight fear, doubt and worry. I tried saying affirmations, doing EFT, talking to people. That didn’t really work other because like those whac-a-moles, fear, doubt and worry just kept cropping up! Every time I tried to subjugate fear, doubt and worry, they just came up somewhere else. Like when I was washing dishes.

So logic wasn’t helpful. EFT and affirmations didn’t work. Time to use my tried and true method of pretending! Pretending fear, doubt and worry didn’t exist. Pretending everything was ok. Pretending this was all a byproduct of illness.

Except that didn’t work either.

Pretending (also called avoidance) only allows fear, doubt and worry to fester. You don’t treat an infection by pretending you don’t have it. You have to expose it! So of course, pretending and avoiding I felt something other than what I did only created more strife within me. I think about an article I wrote a million years ago as a journalism student. I interviewed a bunch of women on life after rape and one of them spoke specifically about avoidance. She said you can keep shoving those feelings down like stuffing books in a backpack, but eventually one day the backpack is going to get too heavy and it’s going to break. Yeah.

So what do you do with those feelings? You invite them in for tea and crumpets. More than a month ago I wrote about my pinched nerve and sitting with that physical pain. Because sometimes all you can do is let the pain pass. I realize the same is true with fear, doubt and worry. Instead of resisting either actively or by pretending I don’t feel them, I’m letting them in. “Come in! Come in! Have some tea!” because only then can I release them. How can you release a bird if it’s not in your possession first? You can’t. I can’t let go of fear, doubt and worry until I let them in. And when I let them in I can release them and transcend them and turn them over with love.

I dream of a world where we all understand our feelings cannot harm us. A world where we let in all the things we feel so we can let them go. A world where we remain unattached to all feelings and instead let ourselves be. A world where we turn over control and instead experience each moment fully. A world where we let everything in to then let it go.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

On Tuesday I said to a friend of mine one of my greatest fears is that I can’t trust my higher power. He said in response, “Sounds like you need to redefine your higher power.”

Whoa. He was right. I’ve been paying lip service to the idea of an unconditionally loving God/Brahma/the Universe/higher power, but if one of my fears is I can’t trust HP then obviously I need to look at what my concept of God is a little more.

What I mean to say is I’ve been afraid to trust my higher power, afraid my higher power is merely playing with me like a cat bats around a mouse. I’ve been afraid to trust and accept what my higher power has been saying to me. For instance, a few years ago I felt unsure whether or not moving to San Francisco would be in my best interest. I oscillated about it for months but my higher power sent me sign after sign, message after message about San Francisco. It was God’s way of saying, “Yes, Rebekah, this is what I want for you.” It was hard for me to accept that. Hard for me to swallow because, “What if my higher power is wrong? What if God is only playing with me and I move to San Francisco and it’s the worst mistake I’ve ever made?” Because there was a lack of trust on my end.

A part of me has held onto this belief God is the Great Punisher, or a Santa Claus figure. A part of me has held onto the belief God does certain things as retribution. To punish me for my sins, to reprimand me like a parent scolds a child. A teeny part of me has carried the notion God hates me. Bad things happen because God hates me. I didn’t get that job working for a travel magazine because God hates me.

Oy vey. Something doesn’t add up here. Either God loves me unconditionally and only wants what’s best for me or God is Santa Claus, putting coal in my stocking when I’m bad and giving me a Barbie when I’m good. Which is it?

I much prefer the unconditionally loving version, thanks. Because honestly, if life is about enlightenment, moksa, liberation, nirvana, becoming one with the Supreme, how does that work with a Santa Claus God? I know for me it only pushes me further away. If God is mean and cruel and spiteful I sure as heck don’t want to be united with God. I sure as heck don’t want to trust an entity like that. Therefore, God must be unconditionally loving and that means I can trust my higher power. It means it’s safe for me to do so. It means God will not pull the rug out from under me all of a sudden. It means God won’t say to me repeatedly, “Move to San Francisco, move to San Francisco. Oh wait, now that you’re there I’m going to abandon you.” It means accepting what my higher power is telling me. It means accepting all the good things in my life because God really wants me to be happy. It means God really does want my dreams to come true. It means when God says, “Rebekah, this is going to happen,” I can stop thinking there’s a catch. I can stop asking, “Really? Really?” Because I keep getting a resounding, “Yes.”

This is me saying because I believe in a kind loving God I can live without fear. Because I believe in a loving higher power I know I am safe, it is safe to be me. I know the future is nothing to be feared or controlled and the present is something to be enjoyed. Because I believe in an unconditionally loving entity, it is safe for me to trust and accept what’s being conveyed to me. God doesn’t “mess” with people because God would have no reason to. Messing with someone would only cause them to turn their back on God and how does that serve anyone? Instead God really does give us what we want even if it takes a while.

I dream of a world where we trust ourselves and we trust our higher power. A world where we know it’s safe to walk forward in life and to accept what’s being told to us. A world where we know we are loved unconditionally and that means being treated with love. A world where we accept the good things that come into our life because we know the universe only ever wants us to be happy.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

I left work early on Monday because I was experiencing some physical pain. As I walked home I felt overcome with guilt, even though my pain was legitimate. I felt guilty because I’ve been putting myself above work recently, taking time off to deal with a pinched nerve or an illness or whatever, and I didn’t feel like I “should,” or that was the “right” way to do things.

Last week I wrote about taking care of the self, which I obviously believe in otherwise I wouldn’t have left work early, but the guilt, oh the guilt, that’s another story.

I have an ex-Catholic daddy and a Jewish momma so guilt is practically second nature to me. This is not to say every Jew or Catholic lays on the guilt but it certainly was the case in my household. (By the way, I’m not blaming my parents because everyone is the victim of a victim. It’s how they were raised and what they know and I don’t fault them in the least. But I can choose to not make guilt a part of my life.)

Guilt is a kind of coercion into certain behavior because if you feel bad you’ll act a certain way, the thinking goes. For instance, if I feel guilty about leaving work early, I won’t do it again. Except that’s not really true. I felt guilty but did it anyway, so in essence guilt is useless. Guilt only makes me feel bad.

Underpinning guilt I think are “shoulds” and “should nots.” As I walked home from work on Monday a litany of “shoulds” filled my head: “I should have stayed at work. I should have pushed through the pain. I shouldn’t have left. I shouldn’t be doing this. I shouldn’t take so much time off,” etc. I felt guilty because I wasn’t following my shoulds.

Louise Hay says in “You Can Heal Your Life:”

“I believe should is one of the most damaging words in our language. Every time we use should, we are, in effect, saying “wrong.” Either we are wrong or we were wrong or we are going to be wrong. I don’t think we need more wrongs in our life. We need to have more freedom of choice. I would like to take the word should and remove it from the vocabulary forever. I’d replace it with the word could. Could gives us choice, and we are never wrong.”

I quite agree. What I’m realizing is there are no “mistakes,” only choices. There is no right or wrong, there is no perfect, there is no one way to be. Only choice. Only possibility. In essence guilt gives me the opposite message. Guilt tells me there is a right way and a wrong way and if I choose wrong, look out because the world is going to end and no one will love me and I’ll die alone in a shack in the middle of the woods and God will hate me forever and ever.

Oh wait.

I’ve felt guilty about many, many things, and as of yet the world hasn’t stopped spinning. I think it’s safe to say my acts of “wrongdoing” will not result in a catastrophic end to all humankind. So you know I don’t have to feel guilty anymore. In fact, I choose to not feel guilty anymore because instead I recognize my life is open and uninhibited. I recognize there are consequences for every action but fundamentally everything is a choice. Some choices I may like better than others but everything is a choice nonetheless. Thus “guilt” and “should” can vanish like vapor — I’d rather live in peace and harmony if you don’t mind.

I dream of a world where people recognize all the freedom to their lives. A world where people understand life is a series of choices and there are many ways of doing things and seeing things. A world where people give themselves a break and follow their intuition no matter what others say. A world where people take care of themselves and each other. A world where we live together in peace and harmony.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

“It seems that when some people talk of compassion, they have the notion that it entails a total disregard or even a sacrificing of one’s own interests. This is not the case. In fact, genuine love should first be directed at oneself – if we do not love ourselves, how can we love others?” – The Dalai Lama

Sometimes I feel like I don’t have a right to take care of myself. Sometimes I feel like everyone else’s needs are more important than mine, should come before mine. Sometimes I feel like it’s more important to keep my boss happy than it is to keep me happy.

What ends up happening is I run myself ragged trying to do for others, sacrificing myself for others, and then I get knocked flat by an illness. I wear myself out to such a degree I’m forced to take care of myself because my body demands it. And if I do take care of myself? If I do stroll into work half an hour late because I’m so tired I can barely stand? Well then I feel guilty. “I should be at work! I shouldn’t be sleeping in like this! My boss won’t like it! He might fire me!”

My guilty feelings probably stem from fear. From fear if I don’t keep everyone else happy something bad will happen. If I don’t keep my boss happy he’ll fire me. If I don’t support my friend she’ll drop me. But I don’t live in a fear-based world anymore. If those things happen the relationships probably weren’t for my highest good anyway. This is not to say I advocate becoming completely selfish and self-centered – because I don’t. I’m advocating balance and compromise. Balancing my needs with the needs of those around me. Of finding a win-win solution. Because if I continue to subjugate my needs it leads to illness and resentment and that’s not good for anybody.

In writing this post I’m not chastising myself so much as re-prioritizing. As the Dalai Lama says, “If we do not love ourselves, how can we love others?” If we do not take care of ourselves, how can we take care of others? I’m finally recognizing I deserve to take care of myself. I deserve to make myself priority numero uno, even if that means making other people unhappy. Even if it means ruffling a few feathers. I don’t intend to upset my boss by coming in late or leaving early, but if I do, that’s really ok. I come first. My job is just a job. It’s not my sole reason for living. That’s not to say I’m ungrateful for my job or disregard it, but it’s time to strike a balance.

I dream of a world where we all take care of ourselves. Where we balance our needs with the needs of those around us. Where we know it’s safe to take care of ourselves and not only that but we know we deserve it. A world where we understand self-love also means lovingly taking care of the self. A world where we understand when we take care of ourselves only then can we take care of others.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

“I beg you…to have patience with everything unresolved in your heart and try to love the questions themselves as if they were locked rooms or books written in a very foreign language. Don’t search for the answers, which could not be given to you now, because you would not be able to live them. And the point is, to live everything. Live the questions now. Perhaps then, someday far in the future, you will gradually, without even noticing it, live your way into the answer…” – Rainer Maria Rilke

A friend of mine gave me a magnet with Rilke’s quote on it years ago because she knows me so well. I know I wrote about God’s timeline a month ago, but this week I’m deepening my understanding of patience and how it affects me.

This week I’ve been taking stock of my life and I see just how frequently impatience crops up. I’m noticing how impatience is the root of much of my misery. For instance, take this morning. Nestled in my bed, dreaming about foreign lands and new friends I heard a loud, incessant beeping, and it wasn’t my alarm. The noise came from a parked car in the lot below my window. My first reaction was, “Ugh! That car alarm is so loud and obnoxious! Surely the parking attendants will rush over and turn it off? Surely they’ll respect the fact there are some people still sleeping?” No. They did not rush to turn off the alarm. They did not rush to do anything. Instead they let it beep and beep and beep.

Where does impatience get me? Feeling frustrated, irritated, grumpy, annoyed, angry, pissed off, and pretty much every other synonym you can think of. Where does patience get me? The complete opposite.

My second reaction to the car alarm going off came from the serene place in my brain. My patient side said, “It will stop eventually, don’t worry about it.” Because here’s the thing, my impatient self thinks, “The car alarm is going to go off forever! I’m going to hear this car beep for the rest of my life! I’m never going to be able to sleep again!” Really. In my mind, if something doesn’t happen immediately it’s going to last indefinitely. In my mind if the parking attendants don’t shut off the alarm NOW the alarm will never cease.

I guess I’m saying this week I’m learning just how much impatience affects me. Just how much it keeps me boxed into a small, ego-centered place. How impatience veers me off the God path. The path where I recognize everything happens for a reason in my best interest. The path where I know my deepest desires will be fulfilled eventually. The path where I understand everything blossoms at its own right and true pace. Patience gives me serenity, keeps me calm, keeps me aligned with my higher power. Patience keeps me humble and open to whatever’s in the best interest for all parties involved. I’d like to remember that. And I’d like others to remember it as well.

I dream of a world where we all feel patient and calm and centered. A world where we understand there are greater forces at work in our lives and those forces understand what’s in our best interests. A world where we know timing plays a key role in things and it’s better for us to leave it to the infinite loving force that guides all of creation. A world where we align our wills’ with God’s, recognizing patience is a key element. A world where we feel at ease knowing all is well in our world.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

I used to believe I had to “conquer” my fears. I used to be of the mindset I had to squash doubt flat, or wrestle with my other issues until I won. That I had to assert my will and come out the victor. I realized a while ago that’s not the case at all.

In January I wrote a journal entry I’ve been meaning to share but haven’t yet:

Jan. 27, 2010
I realized tonight this fear is not mine, it doesn’t belong to me. I’ve been trying to take ownership of it. To claim it. To bust through it. To work around it. But it’s like a blind man getting caught tangled in a cloak. I’ve been trying to chew holes in it and rip it apart, but ultimately can’t get rid of it until I just take it off, recognizing it doesn’t belong to me. Because it doesn’t. There’s no use in trying to work with or tame fear – it can’t be tamed. Only released. It was never mine to begin with. It always belonged to God so I give it back to its rightful owner, where God can transmute it into love. That was never my responsibility. My only job was to let it go, to surrender.

While that particular journal entry was about fear I think it can apply to anything and everything. I don’t ever really “work through” my issues so much as release them. Some people would say to me, “Yes, but Rebekah, the only way to get rid of a fear like public speaking is to just go out and do it. Take a class and practice.” I would say let’s take a look at what’s really going on. What happens when we practice something like public speaking? We decide it’s not as scary as we thought. Because we’re doing what scares us, we realize it’s not so bad. We release the fear in our mind. So again, the point of power, the point of change, is in the mind, not the action.

Whenever I talk about surrender and release someone invariably says to me, “Yes but you still have to do stuff. You can’t just sit around.” Sometimes I think we confuse surrender and avoidance. Avoidance is fear-based. When I avoid something it’s because I’m afraid, I don’t want to do it, whatever. If I were to say, “I surrender my fear of public speaking,” and then refuse to speak in public whenever I’m given the opportunity, that’s not really surrendering the fear, is it? That’s avoidance.

Surrender means to release, to let go, to no longer fight. When I surrender fear and doubt I release them to love. I give them to infinite love. I no longer wrestle with them using my ego, or the willful part of me. The part of me that thinks I handle everything by myself, the part of me that thinks I am separate from everyone and everything else. Essentially the part of me that disconnects from all-pervasive love.

When I surrender, when I release, when I let go, I transcend all those issues. I transcend my little “I” and my little “I” issues and instead remember all is love. Instead I remember I am love incarnate.

I dream of a world where instead of “working” on our issues we just let them go. A world where we remember we are divine, magnificent beings and our true nature is love. A world where we see ourselves for who we really are – embodiments of love. A world where we transcend all that is unlike love and live in a place of peace and harmony.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.