It’s been a rough week for my health condition. What that means is this week I’ve been more bothered by noise and other stimuli. I’ve found myself fantasizing about going somewhere else. Some place quiet, removed from people, and idyllic in every way. However, as I’ve learned over and over again, such a place does not exist. Every time I go somewhere I think will be quiet and peaceful, during the period I’m there, unplanned construction takes place, or the refrigerator is exceedingly loud, or there’s a fluke something or other. In short, there is no escape.
When I ask myself what’s up with that, I realize what’s underneath my desire to go someplace different is I don’t want to engage. I don’t want to stand up for myself with a noisy neighbor, I don’t want to assert my boundaries, I don’t want any conflict. If I dig even further, really I want someone else to do those things for me. I want someone else to take care of me and my needs. I want someone else to be the hero, to stand up for me, to put rude people in their place, so I can continue being a soft gooey glob. It should be no surprise then that I surround myself with strong personalities.
My higher power though wants me to be a whole and complete person and doesn’t let me get away with that sort of thing. I’ve come to believe that all the trials I’ve been put through regarding boundaries have been so I can do those things for myself. I’ve come to believe my higher power wants me to become my own hero, to stand up for myself, and to put rude people in their place so I can continue being a soft gooey glob inside.
I’m crying as I type that because I know it to be true. I know I’ve been seeking other people to do the things that I must learn to do for myself. I’ve been looking externally when I could have been looking internally. This week it became clear to me, I am the person I seek. I’m not sure I can express the magnitude of that realization for me. To realize all the things I’ve wanted someone else to do for me, I can do for myself. It has been deeply empowering and also very sweet to realize I am the person I’ve been looking for.
There are two quotes from my spiritual teacher that come to mind as pertinent for this topic. The first is, “The sweetest part of God’s play is that He is hidden in everyone and everyone is searching for Him.” The second is, “One who looks for Shiva in the external world, ignoring the Shiva of the internal world, is like one who throws away the rice that is in one’s hand and wanders from door to door in search of one’s livelihood.”
I have been the person throwing away the rice in my hand and then asking why I’m hungry. I’ve been hungry because I’ve been disowning parts of myself, important parts that are crucial for my existence. And interestingly, the universe will keep putting me in situations that require me to become what I’m looking for until I understand the lesson. Just like I don’t have to go to India to find God, I don’t have to go to someone else to find many of the things I seek because they already exist inside of me.
I dream of a world where we realize we are what we seek. A world where we turn internally first to find what we’re looking for. A world where we understand the universe is working in tandem with us to ensure we become the best version of ourselves.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.