My apartment building is up for sale. Suffice to say, I’m freaking out about it because I’m worried I’ll have to move. To be clear, the building hasn’t been sold yet, there’s no evidence to support my anxiety, but it’s here nonetheless. It’s here because finding a place to live has proved challenging for me. I’ve moved 31 times in 33 years. From 2012 to 2015, I moved on average every three months. Something always forced me out – my landlady’s dog biting me and drawing blood, bad neighbors, an inhospitable landlady, etc. It’s always been something out of my control so my current situation is resurrecting a lot of trauma because this, too, is out of my control.
I spoke with a friend on Friday and she reminded me that even if I bought a house, something could happen like a wildfire or flooding. Those are real scenarios as we’ve all seen. There’s no absolute certainty, no guaranteed safety, and for an anxious person, that’s the last thing I want to contemplate. My friend and my therapist remind me real safety comes from the ability to respond to a situation. To pivot as necessary. Safety means rolling with the punches.
Not my house but I like the mix of something steadfast with a home. Photo by Seth kane on Unsplash.
Right now I’d rather not roll with the punches, thank you very much. Right now I’d like to hide away under the covers and withdraw from the world. I don’t particularly want to write this blogpost either but I am because this is what I do, I write. I also know there are many people who feel similarly – maybe not about housing, but about something else.
Where do I go from here? From here, I fall back on my spiritual practices, where I always go. According to my spiritual philosophy there is an unchanging, absolute, eternal entity. Some people call that entity God or Cosmic Consciousness or Source or the Universe. The name doesn’t matter so much. My meditation is an effort to move ever closer to that unchanging, absolute, eternal entity and then to merge with it. One of the names for this practice in Sanskrit is Iishvara prańidhána. Iishvara means controller of the universe and prańidhána means to adopt something as a shelter. Therefore, Iishvara prańidhána means to adopt the controller of the universe as a shelter. It means to take refuge in the controller of the universe. That sounds academic, I know, but in essence it means to align myself with the divine.
What does that mean about my fear surrounding housing? It means one way to deal with the fear is to put myself in the Cosmic flow, to allow myself to be sheltered by something bigger than me. To accept the protection of my higher power with the nuance that bad things happen and good things happen and through it all I have a permanent, unwavering shelter.
I dream of a world where we take permanent shelter in something bigger than us. A world where we recognize certainty doesn’t come from things staying rigid but rather shoring up our internal strength and resilience to respond to stimuli. A world where we recognize there is an unchanging entity we can attach ourselves to and that’s where real security lies.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I feel vulnerable writing this post because the issue is alive in me. I haven’t moved past it. I can’t tie it up in a neat bow. I’m sharing though because this is the only topic that came to mind to write about, and also I know there are other people who feel the way I do. I’m hopeful my experience will help.
I am deeply unsettled by the murder of Nia Wilson from a few weeks ago. It speaks to one of my worst fears – a random act of violence. (I should mention here police don’t know for sure it was random. It could have been racially motivated but the murderer didn’t say one word to her or her sisters before attacking. Also, women of color experience higher rates of this kind of violence because the consequences are lower.) As for me, instead of viewing strangers as friends I haven’t met yet, I view strangers as people who mean me harm. In public I am constantly on guard. And considering Nia was murdered while at a BART station that I frequent, I’m more fearful than usual.
A sweet picture that I hope conveys my sentiments. Photo by Ravi Roshan on Unsplash
My therapist suggested I acknowledge the fear and remind myself what I can control. I’m in control of my breath, of whether I eat or not. I’m in control of how clean I am, etc. It helps me to think about those things. It also helps to remind myself my perspective is skewed.
This weekend I attended the San Francisco Aerial Arts festival, which was glorious. I went by myself and rode public transportation all the way there and back. Doing so I realized the vast majority of people don’t care about me one way or another. The vast majority are neutral. If I don’t bother them, they won’t bother me. Also at the performance, the sash from my trench coat trailed to the ground and a woman tapped me on the back to tell me so. She demonstrated to me while the vast majority of people are neutral, the remainder of people are good. They want to help. They care about complete strangers and will tell you if you drop something. And then a small minority of people wish me harm. Often it’s not personal and I could easily be swapped out for someone else.
Am I still reeling from the random act of violence? Yes I am. Do I still want to barricade myself in my apartment? Yes I do. And I have to reconcile those feelings with another truth: The world is delightful. People dance on the side of buildings. People sing so well they move me to tears. People paint something that engrosses me for hours. The world is wonderful and terrible. It’s beautiful and hideous. I wish that wasn’t so but it is. All that I can do is what anyone can do, which is continuing to be a good person. To serve others where I can, to stand up for injustice, to sow love instead of hatred, and do my part to leave the world better than when I entered it.
I dream of a world where we remember the world is more good than it is bad. A world where we realize most people are neutral, and those that aren’t are more likely good people than people who want to hurt us. A world where we help others according to our capacity.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
Fear seems to be running rampant in the U.S. these days. Fear of the future, fear of other people. As Elizabeth Gilbert says, the Land of the Brave has become the Land of the Very Anxious. I get it.
We all want to survive. In days past, people settled near water to have materials for that purpose. These days, people move to where there are jobs for the same reason. We all want to survive and we will fight for our survival. When there is a perception security is threatened, people retaliate. By instating a ban on all Muslims for instance. The thing is though, just as my life is important to me, others’ lives are equally important to them.
I’m not sure what to say about this picture except it seems to fit.
“[I]f we do not give proper value to the lives of all creatures, then the development of the entire humanity becomes impossible,” says philosopher and social revolutionary P.R. Sarkar. “If people think more about themselves as individuals or about their small families, castes, clans, or tribes, and do not think at all about the collectivity, this is decidedly detrimental …. It will help people understand that human beings, as the most thoughtful and intelligent beings in this created universe, will have to accept the great responsibility of taking care of the entire universe – will have to accept that the responsibility for the entire universe rests on them.”
We’re caretakers for the entire universe. No big deal or anything. I’m pretty sure some people have forgotten that concept though. They’ve forgotten we all belong to each other, that my self-preservation is tied to your self-preservation.
All week, the phrase running through my mind has been intuitional practice is the process of transformation of fearful love into fearless love. I can’t help but think that’s what we’re undergoing collectively. We are in a state of fearful love – scared of making one wrong move because then we’ll lose something. Scared if we don’t do something, we won’t keep what we have. In the U.S., it seems to me some people are operating under the assumption that in order for our country to be great, we have to keep out all things we fear, all thing we perceive threaten our self-preservation, our security.
An extremely hard lesson I’ve learned over the years – which you all have been privy to – is security comes from within. There was one point I lived literally in the middle of nowhere – I’m talking a cabin in the woods 20 miles from the nearest town – and I still had an intense fear my place would be broken into. Security is an outside job but it’s also an inside job. There is no place we can go that will keep us 100 percent safe and secure. There is no ban on a group of people that will prevent us from being threatened. Building a wall to keep people out can just as easily turn into a prison keeping us trapped.
Living in fearful love is not the answer. The answer instead lies in cultivating fearless love, in reaching out to our brothers and sisters in need. In creating a society where everyone is taken care of. Where no person is left behind because we recognize the responsibility for the entire universe rests on our shoulders. Ultimately, we are all in this together.
I dream of a world where we all take care of each other. A world where we recognize every person’s life is just as important to them as ours is to us. A world where we cultivate inner security. A world where we move from fearful love to fearless love.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
This whole week I’ve been spinning out, contemplating the future. “If this happens, then I’ll do this. If that happens, then I’ll do that.” I’ve been on a veritable hamster wheel of potential future outcomes. When I asked myself, “Que pasa?” the answer was, I want to know the future so I can feel safe. I want to know what’s coming so I can plan for it and feel at ease.
One of my favorite authors, Dr. Gabor Maté, wrote in his book When the Body Says No, if someone is “controlling,” they are in fact deeply anxious. He said, “When such a person fears that he is unable to control events, he experiences great stress. Unconsciously, he believes that only by controlling every aspect of his life and environment will he be able to ensure the satisfaction of his needs.”
I think this is lavender. If not, let’s pretend it is — lavender is very soothing.
Yep. Certainly true for me. Unfortunately, I can’t control every aspect of my life and environment, something I’m very clear on. To circumvent that, I try to predict the future, which also, unfortunately, I’m terrible at doing. The future pretty much never goes the way I anticipate it will. Maybe not never. I think one time out of a million I’m right, but those are terrible odds. No one would hire me to tell their fortune, that’s for sure. What to do then?
What I’ve been ruminating on is the notion I can take care of myself no matter what circumstances I’m in. Instead of running through a million possibilities in my head, I’m saying to the scared parts of me, “I’m here. I’m not going anywhere. I’m not ever going anywhere. I’ll protect you. Let me take care of that.” I’m saying it every day, every hour, every 10 minutes. Every time I’m scared and start future tripping.
I’m also reminded of one of my favorite quotes by my spiritual teacher, which I’m sure I’ve shared before: “Difficulties can never be greater than your capacity to solve them.” That means I can have faith in myself and in humanity that no matter what comes, we can handle it. We can solve any problem, we can overcome any difficulty. We are creative and resourceful, and furthermore, we’re not alone. We have each other, but we also have a force greater than ourselves.
My teacher also said, “[A]s long as there is a speck of dust under your feet, as long as a single star twinkles over your head, you should remember that you are not helpless, that you are not alone. You need not have any fear or apprehension about this under any circumstances.”
The way for me to keep fear and apprehension at bay is to keep reminding myself of this. That I’m not alone. That I’m here. That my higher power is here. That we can solve anything together.
I dream of a world where we keep reassuring ourselves. A world where we soothe ourselves about our capacity to handle life. A world where we remember we’re not alone. A world where we know we can solve any difficulty that comes our way.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I had an interesting experience this week. A friend posted this article about how family trauma can be inherited. I’d heard of the concept before, especially when epigenetics came to the scene, but I didn’t think the issues I’m addressing right now could be related. I thought epigenetics made me more prone to overreact to stress because my ancestors experienced stressful situations. Stuff like that. However, reading that article had me rethink some things.
One of the issues that’s plagued me for a long time is a fear I’ll be replaced, usurped, or forgotten. I attributed it to being a middle child, but this week I contemplated whether the issue was rooted in my ancestral lineage. Before World War II, both of my grandparents were married to other people and had families, all of whom were killed. By the time my grandparents married each other, in a way, their previous families were replaced, by the living.
This picture! How perfect.
My mother has shown me a family portrait taken before the war – a whole gaggle of people – and then she points to a few people and says, “These are the only ones who survived.” I have no idea who the rest of my relations are, I don’t know their names, or their stories. They have been forgotten. Even typing this right now I’m tearing up because I feel the grief around that, these lost family members.
I started meditating after reading the article about inherited family trauma, and I said to all of my ancestors, “I’m inviting you back into the family. I’m acknowledging you. You have a place. You are not forgotten and your role will not be usurped.” Afterward, I became frenzied and manic. Energy buzzed through me and hours later after I calmed down, I felt relief in way that I haven’t before. Instead of feeling insecure, worrying that I’ll be replaced by someone else, I felt an assurance that I am irreplaceable.
I am fascinated by the whole thing because so often I think of myself living in a vacuum – my issues started with me and that’s the end of it – but this experience has me thinking perhaps that’s not true. My spiritual teacher says we are affected by our environments and by external sources. Not just in the sense of, “It’s cold outside and that makes me cold,” but “I live with drug dealers so I’m more likely to deal drugs myself.” We all know this, don’t we? It makes complete sense, but it didn’t occur to me until the other day that the effects of someone else’s actions who I’ve never met, who I don’t know anything about, could be impacting me today. Not in terms of government policies, but personal traumas like being locked up in a mental institution or losing a child.
The good news is this stuff can be healed. Mark Wolynn, who wrote a book called It Didn’t Start With You, says:
“On a higher level, I believe these traumas are important, because they lead us on a hero’s journey. We enter the path through introspection, through looking at what’s uncomfortable, by being able to tolerate what’s uncomfortable, and then by journeying in to what’s uncomfortable and emerging on the other side in a more expansive place, using what was contracting us as the source of our expansion. Many of us don’t realize that the trauma we are born to heal is also the seed of our expansion.”
I dream of a world where we delve into what’s uncomfortable. A world where we understand our issues are not ours alone and may have a root in what happened to our ancestors. A world where we understand we all have carryovers from the past and we finally put the baggage down.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
I am a firm believer that every repeat experience, every emotional overreaction, comes up so it can be healed and released. Having said that, I am also a slow learner and usually want to change my outside circumstances instead of determining what the internal, personal lesson is. However, the universe is tricky and makes sure I confront my stuff.
Yesterday, I went to water my neighbor’s garden and I noticed her back door was ajar, which it hadn’t been the day before. I immediately assumed the worst. “She must have been broken into! She’s been robbed and ransacked!” I don’t think she was robbed, it doesn’t really make sense that she was considering we’re in a gated community, nobody else reported a burglary, she’s at the back of the property, and somebody would have to know to walk to the back of the house to find a door. Anyway, I don’t know for sure, that answer will be revealed when I speak with her.
I’d like to think that explosions can also be good things, like supernovae creating something new.
The point is I freaked out. As in, inconsolable, shaken, incapable of much rational thought, unable to sleep or calm down. When I dug a little deeper I realized it’s not because I was worried about being broken into myself, but rather because I was having flashbacks. Almost two years ago, some friends of mine were broken into while I was housesitting for them. I was, and am, traumatized by the experience. Walking into a space with the back door ajar, ransacked, books thrown on the floor, drawers pulled out from the dresser, all the lights on, has been burned into my brain. So when I saw my neighbor’s door ajar, I wasn’t seeing her situation, I was reliving one from my past. That, my friends, is called a trigger.
I hadn’t realized I’d carried so much fear with me about the experience two years ago until yesterday. I thought I was over the whole thing but now I understand I’d only buried it. Instead of lamenting the possible break in, I see what’s really happening on my end is that I need to release this junk. I need to let the trauma out of my body and I’m thankful I have the tools like EMDR to do so. That’s the nature of triggers, they precede an explosion, and instead of running away from triggers, it’s far better for me to deal with them as they come up so I am no longer triggered with quite the same severity.
A million years ago a good friend of mine told me every moment of life is a love poem from my creator. I have to believe that also includes the “bad” stuff, the triggers, the hard moments, the things I’d rather push under the rug. My creator loves me so much that circumstances are created such that these things are not allowed to stay hidden. I am so loved my creator instead says, “Hey, Rebekah, you need to look at this.” And so I am.
I dream of a world where we confront our triggers as they come up. A world where we understand every moment is a love poem from our creator. A world where we shine a light on all our dark spots and seek the help we need, in whatever form that may take.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
In Sanskrit there is a saying, “Hitaesanápresito’pavargah,” which translates as, “The requital of action is guided by the divine wish of welfare.” More simply it means everything that happens to us, whether we perceive it to be good or bad is ultimately for our own well-being. And also everything that happens to us is ultimately to bring us closer and closer to the divine. I believe it.
Right now there is a war going on within me. I found out on Tuesday my job has been terminated effective Dec. 30th. The magazine I work for is turning out its lights. My ego is freaking out. I have all these insecurities and worries and fears popping up. “How am I going to pay for my rent?!? I love where I live! How am I going to make money? What’s going to happen?!? Waaahhhhhhhhh.” Just like that.
The other part of me feels so at ease, so at peace because I know, I KNOW this is a part of a broader plan. Even when I started working for the magazine I told my parents, “I think I’m only going to be there for two years.” And when I found out eventually the entire company would be moving to new headquarters with an open office plan I said to my parents, “I don’t think I’m going to be there when they move into the new office.” In September I had worked for the magazine for two years. In January the company is moving. Clearly this is all happening for a reason. Clearly this is ultimately for my good.
Why do I say that? Because I’ve been wanting to devote more time to my beloved company Tri-Sight Entertainment (fan us on facebook!) and I haven’t been able to because I work full time. Come Jan. 1st I won’t anymore. So this? This is it. This is my transition. This is my opportunity to pour my heart and soul into a project I really care about. And it’s also my opportunity to move closer to the Supreme because all this? Is completely out of my hands. I don’t dictate when Tri-Sight will make enough money to pay my rent. I don’t dictate how or when I’ll get another writing job to pay my bills. I just don’t. My ego really wishes I did but I don’t. And like I said above there is a battle within me.
At this moment I have a choice. I can continue to freak out and worry about what comes next, I can sit and stew and scheme and listen to my ego. Or I can move closer to God and feel at ease and at peace knowing all is well, knowing I’m taken care of even if I don’t know what form it will take. Knowing I will be provided for and knowing my higher power has great things in store for me. In doing so I rely on a power greater than myself and I put my trust and faith in that power. In essence, I turn to God.
I can’t say I’ll feel at peace 10 minutes from now or that my ego won’t get the best of me but I can say I don’t want it to. I can say I’d rather stick with knowing I am safe, secure and protected. I’d rather stick with feeling at peace, feeling calm, feeling like my higher power really is taking care of me. I can say that’s how I’d rather feel. I can also tell you that’s what I dream for others.
I dream of a world where we turn over our fears feeling calm and relaxed. A world where we realize everything that happens to us is for our own good. A world where we know we are always taken care of, even if we don’t know how or the source. A world where we feel free to be ourselves because we recognize a higher power has it covered. A world where we listen to the calm, sweet voice in our head and say to the ego, “I acknowledge you’re freaking out. That’s ok. I love you just the same.”
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.
“I just want to know the future. If I knew the future and what will happen then I can relax and enjoy the here and now.” I’ve been hearing this from other people all week, mainly former coworkers looking for a steady job, feeling anxious because they are currently unemployed. I feel this way too sometimes. A part of me wants to know whether I’ll be laid off come October when the next quarter ends. Or what my life will look like two months from now. And can I just say it sucks?
It sucks to be in a place where I’m worrying about the future, where I’m agonizing over what’s next instead of living my life. The over-used phrase, “Life is what happens when you’re busy making other plans,” comes to mind.
I know for me when I start worrying about the future it’s because I’m not trusting in the process of life. I’m not trusting in my Creator and my Creator’s plan for me. It taps into my need for feeling safe and secure because somehow I think by knowing the future I’ll realize I’m taken care of. Somewhere along the way I picked up the idea I need to know what’s ahead in order to feel safe.
I think about something my friend Heather said to me about the future, safety and security: “Are you any more secure and stable now that you’re employed full time and have your own apartment? Or is it all an illusion?”
She’s right. Tomorrow I could walk into work and find out I’ve been laid off. In the next 15 seconds my apartment could flood or catch on fire or get hit with an asteroid. So no, I’m not any more secure and stable now than when I kept moving from place to place, it only feels that way. It only feels that way because I’ve quieted my mental chatter and I’ve allowed myself to believe I’ll still be employed tomorrow and I’ll still have a place to live tonight.
The place where I’d like to be is recognizing I am safe, secure and protected at all times. Since I recognize safety, security and stability is a state of mind, I’d like to change my mental patterns to reflect that. I’d like my safety, security and stability to come from within as opposed to external situations. I’d like to feel like no matter what happens I will be taken care of.
Once again I plumb the depths of my mind, I go internally and recognize the point of power is in the here and now, is within me at all times. I start affirming for myself I am safe, secure and protected no matter the circumstances.
Sometimes though it’s not so easy to say those affirmations and to believe them. I know that too. I know sometimes we cling tightly to an idea, to a need to know the future, for a certain situation to work out, for a certain person to be in our lives, for a certain job to drop in our laps. I know sometimes it’s hard to let go.
For me, before I can get to the places I want to be, before I can start believing the affirmations I say to myself, there’s a precursor affirmation: “I am willing to release my need for X.”
I usually fill in X with something I want to get rid of, like, “I’m willing to release my need for fear,” or “I’m willing to release my need for this condition.” Something that is not serving me and only holds me back.
Why did I title this post “Be Here, Now?” Mostly because the point of power resides in this moment. Because the present is all we have. Because the future is really just a concept, always changing, ever-new. I spent far too much of my life worrying about what’s next, missing out on what lay before me, lamenting would could be as opposed to enjoying what is. I want my life to be light and easy and joyful and that comes by trusting in God, changing my mental patterns, and feeling gratitude.
I dream of a world where we release our need to know the future. I dream of a world where we live in the moment, enjoying what is. Where we all feel safe and secure and protected at all times. Where the future is something we accept, but we also laugh because we realize there is only now. I dream of a world where we recognize the power of our minds to change our lives and our world. Where we live life in real time.
Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.