Another World is Probable

I didn’t think I was going to write any new material today because I am zonked, but then inspiration hit and I realized I wanted to share this.

Lately, perfectionism and people pleasing have been coming up for me. I’ve held this belief that if I wasn’t perfect, if I wasn’t giving of myself, others wouldn’t continue to like me, wouldn’t want to maintain a relationship with me. There’s been a fear that if I didn’t constantly give my gifts in friendship, people I love would disappear.

A lot of my past work using affirmations has been saying, “Rebekah, I love you for who are,” and that’s great! It’s been so helpful and has completely changed my life. However, right or wrong, I’m at the point now where I want to believe the same is true of friends, i.e. that my friends also love me for who I am, not what I do or give. I know I can’t ask anyone to say these things to me, but perhaps you feel the same and would like to hear it, so I’m going to tell it to you, my readers, my friends, the people I associate with. Here is my open letter to you:

Dear (insert your name here),

I love you for exactly who you are, right now. I love your authenticity, your vulnerability. I love your quirks. I love the things that set you apart from the crowd. I love how you stand up for yourself and how you hold fast to your convictions. I love that you’re willing to be weird because in your weirdness there is you and I love you.

I want to tell you, you don’t have to change for me. You don’t have to be perfect for me. Perfection does not equal love, but humanness does. You’re experimenting in life and so am I and I love you for it. I love that you’re willing to show up for life, to have the courage to keep going even after you make mistakes. I love your boldness.

Please keep being you and please know that if other people don’t like you for who you are, they’re not meant to be in your life. Birds of a feather flock together and you are in my flock. We are meant to stick together, chinks and all.

I love when you’re real with me. I love when you let me in and show me what’s really going on with you. I love when your walls are down, when you’re honest, when you’re crying. That is how I connect with you. I don’t want to see your mask; I can’t click with your mask, so please take it off when you’re with me.

You are a bright, shining light, and I want you to know it’s safe for you to be you, especially around me.

All my love,
Rebekah

I dream of a world where we know we are loved for who we are. A world where we realize the people in our lives love us for us, and if they don’t, the relationship is not serving our best interests. A world where we keep tearing our walls down because our authenticity is what brings about the most love.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

It’s funny how things run in cycles. Almost exactly a year ago, I wrote a post called, “Reparenting the Inner Child.” The nuances of that post are being further revealed today. That post was about safety; this post is also about safety albeit a different kind.

The question has come up a few times this week, “Why did I write Just a Girl from Kansas?” Specifically, what do I get out of it? I realized on Thursday, the personal reason I wrote the book is to prove to myself that it’s safe to be me. It’s safe for me to be who I am out in the world; it’s safe for me to be vulnerable.

Into me see!

So much of my story, so much of my childhood, has been about hiding who I am for fear of harm. I learned early on to hide who I was and only reveal my true self around certain people. Writing Just a Girl from Kansas was an act of defiance. My adult self proving the world has changed, I have changed, and it’s fine for me to not only reveal my true self, but reveal the most intimate parts of myself.

I’ve heard it said intimacy could be broken down as, “into me see.” I would say that’s true. When I’m vulnerable, you are seeing into me and that’s scary because what if you don’t like it? What if you decide it’s not good enough, I’m not good enough, and you run in the other direction? Vulnerability and thus intimacy can be painful and scary. All day today I’ve wanted to hide away, build a wall around myself, and post a sign that says, “KEEP OUT.” Vulnerability is scary for people and I am no exception, but it’s important to let others see into me.

Because we’re talking about vulnerability, I have mention another post I wrote in which I linked to Brené Brown’s Ted Talk on the subject. She asserts vulnerability creates connection and I’ve found that to be the case. When other people see into me, my friendships are richer, deeper. We don’t talk about what Miley Cyrus is up to – we talk about what’s real, what’s happening in our lives, and that wouldn’t be possible without vulnerability.

I keep making myself vulnerable because the rewards outweigh the risks and sharing who I am reminds me I’m not as alone as I think. C.S. Lewis captures this sentiment perfectly when he says, “Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another: “What! You too? I thought I was the only one.” Being vulnerable, being who I really am in the world reminds me there are others like me, other people dealing with the same issues, and that allows me to cope in a far greater capacity than I could on my own. That is why I let other people see into me.

I dream of a world where we allow ourselves to be vulnerable. A world where we remember as scary as it is, the rewards outweigh the risks. A world where we know it’s safe to be ourselves. A world where we remember we are not alone. A world where we let others see us for who we are.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

I hoped inspiration would strike and I would find another insight to share with you, but alas, the only theme for this week has been on self-will and magic pills. I’m hesitant to write this post because what I’m about to say is antithetical to what has been taught and we’ve been persuaded to believe. It’s not a popular message, but it’s my truth.

From my own experience of U.S. culture, there’s been a pervasive notion of control and self-will. There’s been a belief that every person can, “Pull themselves up by their bootstraps,” and, “If you work hard enough, you can achieve anything.” Lately, I see these ideas bleeding over into more than being the next American Idol, there’s a lot of self-will around love and money. In addition to “making things happen,” the en vogue idea is our thoughts shape our reality and if we think positively enough, we’ll get whatever we want. If we visualize enough, we’ll all be millionaires living with our soul mates. And if that’s not your reality, by golly you’re thinking the wrong thoughts, or not believing hard enough. But don’t worry, there’s a webinar/course/book that will teach you how to think properly.

This image says it all I think.

Ladies and gentlemen, manifestation techniques and the law of attraction have become the new magic pills. The shortcut to an easy life where you call all the shots and are never unhappy or experiencing any difficulties ever again. I so badly want to believe in magic pills, and I am the perfect target market to buy them because 1.) I’m impatient and 2.) There are a lot of things I want.

I have purchased many magic pills, and all with the same result, which is to say no results. The only “magic pills” that have worked for me are the small, consistent steps that add up to big results. I expect the same is true for many of you, which is why my blogpost “Little by Little” struck a nerve.

I’m not saying there isn’t truth to manifestation techniques and the law of attraction, because there is, I’m saying our part in it has been oversold. It is my strong opinion the self-will piece has become inflated – too much emphasis has been placed on our part, what we can do to create our realities. We aren’t alone in the great blue yonder – there is an energy, a force, something, that governs this world, and I don’t just mean the laws of nature. There is a force at play in my life and as much as I whine, complain, and cajole that unseen entity, things are not going to happen solely because I want them to.

My question is also, who’s to say the people selling the magic pill webinars and books wouldn’t have had the same things happen to them regardless of their visualization? Maybe they still would have met Mr./Ms. Right, maybe they still would have met the talent scout who launched their career, and maybe, just maybe certain events are fated to happen. We have to act of course, but let’s not kid ourselves into believing self-will is all it takes.

I dream of a world where we understand self-will only takes us so far. A world where we say, “No” to magic pills because some things are out of our control. A world where we strive for balance in all things and a world where we allow for a little mystery.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

I’m digging into my archives again for this evening’s post. I’ve found this week has been all about remembering things pop when they’re ready, that as much as I would like, certain things cannot be forced. For more on patience paying off, read my latest article on Truth Leaders. Without further ado, a post from May of last year:

I moved into a new place about a week ago that’s a studio plus an office. In order to separate my bedroom from my living room, I bought a Japanese screen from Craigslist.

Pretty, right?

The night before I picked up the screen, I checked my wallet and all I had was $44. (The screen cost $45.) My new location is not as commercial as my other one, so I’m not near an ATM, nor is an ATM on my way to public transportation, so I wanted to avoid a special trip if at all possible. I dumped all the coins in my wallet on the floor and came up $0.26 short. I searched my whole apartment looking for the extra change. I scoured the bottom of every bag and backpack I own trying to come up with the money, running through scenarios in my head. Perhaps she would be fine with $44.74.

It struck me I should check my foreign money because, hey, you never know, right? I just got back from Italy, so maybe my American money would be mixed in. I searched my euros: nope, nothing. Then I pulled out my money from Costa Rica, a country I visited 11 year ago. Mixed in with all the coins was a $1 American coin. I kid you not. That coin was sitting in a bag at the bottom of my dresser for ELEVEN YEARS waiting for this very purpose it seemed.

The coin looked similar to this one. I hope it wasn’t a collectible.

I laughed out loud when I saw it and I think I said, “You have to be kidding me.” Things pop when they’re ready.

What’s also interesting to me is I’ve known someone for 10 years – we run in the same circles, have similar friends – and yet up until recently we’ve been acquaintances. Familiar acquaintances, yes, but I didn’t really consider him a friend. More like in between a friend and an acquaintance. Then in August, he started dating his partner and things changed. We started hanging out more and became real friends. So much so that I visited him in the hospital yesterday after he fractured his jaw while breaking up a fight. I didn’t know I felt that way until his partner sent out a mass message on facebook detailing what happened. Somehow I didn’t even question whether I would visit him, it was a given.

While at the hospital he was a pathetic sight – bandages strapped to his head, immobilizing his jaw, not able to talk. All communication was through paper. He wrote down, “Thanks for visiting me,” and I said, “Of course! That’s what you do for friends and family!” And I meant it. Because somehow we crossed the line of acquaintance and into friendship even though I’ve known him for a long time. Things pop when they’re ready.

I’m going to circle this post back to the last one I wrote “Starburst,” because I think the same principle applies. Matt Damon and Julia Roberts “popped,” they became famous when they were ready, or the universe was ready, or whatever “it” is that had to be ready. The exciting thing is we never know when the pop will happen.

I dream of a world where we understand all things in due time. A world where we know there’s no need to feel impatient because things pop when they’re ready. A world where we live each day in joy, feeling present, and alive because there is nothing more exciting than being on planet Earth when at any moment things can pop.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

On Friday, I had a bit of a meltdown. I’d been harboring feelings of resentment toward someone in power who’s in my life. Let’s call her Marjorie. Whenever I saw Marjorie, I smiled and waved, but inside I seethed. When I asked myself why, I realized things were not how they appeared. What it came down to is I’ve been blowing things out of proportion because I’d been processing my grandparents’ baggage.

I’ve mentioned a few times my grandparents are Holocaust survivors. The repercussions of that manifest in many ways, but in this instance it meant feeling betrayed by someone in power. It meant feeling taken advantage of and as if my needs didn’t matter. That Marjorie’s needs were more important and all I could do is sit back and take the “abuse.” I believed it was in my best interest to “keep the peace” and “not rock the boat.” To go along with what Marjorie wanted because the alternative seemed unbearable, and yet, inside I felt anything but peace.

An impressive display of power if I’ve ever seen one.

So again, I asked myself why, and I realized I’d been taking things to an extreme level, feeling what my grandparents felt about power and authority and the abuse of it. My feelings were nowhere near on par with the reality of my situation.

After crying, I called up a friend and she reminded me I have a choice in the matter. I don’t have to automatically heal the intergenerational junk. I don’t have to ground my ancestors and break the karmic cycle. I have the power to choose. I have the power to say, “No.” I also realized I have the power to choose who’s in power. Let me explain.

People only have authority because I imbue them with it. People are only in power because I, you, we empower them. If we didn’t believe the president was in charge of the country, we wouldn’t listen to a word he said, nor would we enact anything he signed into law. We have agreed certain people are in power, but let us never forget where they get that power from: us.

It’s the same thing with Marjorie – she’s in power because I’m letting her be powerful. In truth, she’s a person just like I am. In truth, she’s flawed like me. In truth, she’s not the most powerful person in the world. If I continue to have issues with her I can go above her head. It may not be pretty, it may not be comfortable, but I have options, I have choices, and remembering that brings my power back.

I dream of a world where we remember we have the power to choose, to say yes or no. A world where we recognize there is no person who is more powerful than another. A world where we realize those who are authorities are authorized by us. A world where we recognize what our own power is and we employ it.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

At times it can be very easy for me to slip into old patterns – to focus on the negative instead of the positive. To lament what I don’t have instead of what I do. We all know gratitude is the key to happiness, but even gratitude can become something rote, something I roll off the tongue because of course I’m grateful for food to eat, a place to sleep, money in the bank, etc.

What’s been on my mind is holding close those moments that are so sweet they break my heart. Maybe it’s gratitude, but for me it’s deep gratitude, gratitude in the core of my being so pure tears spring to my eyes. A sweetness so subtle it cannot be expressed, only felt.

This weekend has been one of those times.

My dear friends who are like family were married on Friday. The ceremony was lovely, but what really got to me was the reception. Friends of the bride and groom performed songs for the happy couple, gave toasts, and generally expressed their love. In return, the bride and groom expressed their love for us, their community. To see how much support and love and appreciation we all have for one another was so sweet. I aspire to have the same thing – a great community that supports me and a wonderful romantic relationship.

Yesterday, the newly married couple had a picnic at a redwood park where we all caught up and socialized in a more casual manner. I made new connections and had more time to talk to the people I already knew. I lounged on the grass, ate delicious food, and walked through the woods. Just before I left, someone I’ve known for a few years gifted me with a CD because he felt inspired. It was a spontaneous act of friendship and I love those authentic moments of expression.

Last night, a friend had a birthday party, so in addition to more food, we sat around in candlelight singing kiirtans and connecting with one another in a heart space. I didn’t get home until about 1 a.m.

A taste of some of the kiirtan we sang last night. If you enjoy this, I recommend checking out Amitabhan’s website.

These moments, these times when I’m connecting deeply, when I feel loved, held, when my needs are getting met in unexpected ways, choke me up. Right now I have a lump in my throat. These are the moments that remind me life is sweet, it’s supposed to be fun, and joyful. I can get caught up in the rat race, focusing on how I need to make more money, or checking things off my to-do list and forget this, these moments, are what life is about: having so much sweetness it breaks my heart.

I dream of a world where we all experience untold sweetness. A world where life breaks our heart (in a good way). A world where we remember why we’re here. A world where we embrace all the love in our lives. A world where we live in harmony with ourselves and each other.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

I am very lucky in that there are friends in my life who are committed to growth and healing. People who don’t take the world or personal problems at face value and are always digging deeper – people who encourage me to do the same.

One of my friends, who is a therapist, told me anxiety is like an octopus – it will attach to anything, but there’s “stuff” the octopus is sitting on. For me, I have intense anxiety when I hear noise late at night. I get SUPER anxious about sleeping because I do not want to be tired. I don’t want to be tired because I don’t want to be unproductive. And I don’t want to be unproductive because I don’t want to be unlovable.

Anxiety is like an octopus — it attaches to stuff but there’s more underneath.

Let me phrase that in another way. There is a part of me, a very young part of me, that believes only by doing something, giving something, achieving something, that I am lovable. Like there’s a love quotient and the more I do and accomplish the more loved I am. So of course being tired and unproductive makes me anxious! Of course I’ve taken my life to the extreme of being busy all the time.

Even typing this my inner child is scared because her whole world is shifting. A paradigm she’s been operating from for a loooong time is crumbling and she’s freaking out. Change can be scary y’all.

The truth is, I don’t think anyone loves me because of my accomplishments. I don’t think anyone says, “That Rebekah, I only like her for her writing.” If I flip it around, there’s certainly no one in my life who I love solely because they’re whip smart, or a good writer, or ambitious. Sure, I love those parts, but they’re not the only reason I love someone. Similarly, no one loves me only for what I can do either. To take it even further, no one will stop loving me if I’m unproductive, if I sit around all day and watch Netflix in my pajamas. No one will say, “I’m sorry, you’re not doing enough so I no longer love you.” Why say that to myself?

I bring this up because perhaps you have been struggling with anxiety and it’s not getting better. Perhaps it’s about something other than what it seems. I also share this because I think we have so many outdated ideas we’re not aware of. Things we think we need to do or achieve or accomplish or be before we’re lovable, before we “deserve” what we want. I’m here to whisper, “It’s not true.”

Louise Hay says, “Life’s problems can usually be boiled down to not loving and approving of the self.” At first I didn’t believe it because, “Of course I love myself! I say affirmations all the time!” but I didn’t realize my love had conditions. That I had to meet certain requirements before I gave myself the love I desired. What can you let go of today and what can you do to love yourself even more?

I dream of a world where we unconditionally love ourselves. A world where we understand we are worthy and deserving of love no matter what. A world where we let go that which no longer serves us. A world where we look deep within to find the healing we deserve.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

I have a lot going on. But as my father says, “Rebekah, you always have a lot going on.” Touché Papa. Touché. What happens when I have a lot going on is my mind gets abuzz with all the what ifs. “What if I never get good sleep? What if I need to move again? What if I have a run in with my neighbor?” My mind whirls with possibilities and I contemplate how I’ll handle each one of them, or conversely, I worry what I’ll do in the future because I have no idea how I’ll handle them.

In a moment of clarity, it occurred to me it is not my responsibility to worry about the future. To contemplate all the possibilities, all the options, all the potentials. My mind cannot handle it, and besides, if I’ve been shown anything, it’s that my wildest dreams aren’t even close to what happens in reality (which is similar to the subtitle of my book). I mean, let’s take a look at the evidence. This time last year, I packed up my apartment, put my stuff into storage, and was en route to Tucson with no idea whether I would come back to California. Now, I’m living in a cottage in Oakland where I can see trees outside my windows. These are things that never entered my realm of possibility, but there you are.

Meditating, and even looking at pictures of meditation, helps me become present.

It’s important for me to stay present and in the moment because many of the things I worry about don’t even come to pass, and so I wasted all that time and energy and only accomplished feeling anxious and fearful. Guys, I’m so tired of feeling anxious and fearful. When I’m present, fear and anxiety do not exist because I recognize I am safe, I am alive, I have what I need, and all is well.

A part of this whole “being present” thing is trust. Trusting in my higher power, trusting in the universe, trusting that when I need to know something or do something, I will. When I’m present, I attach myself to a power greater than myself and let some other force work on the details. What I do instead is show up for my life and do what has been requested of me. In March, I made a public declaration of trust, and being present is an affirmation of that trust because it means I have let go of the possible outcomes I could conjure up, and instead allow limitless possibilities in my life, knowing all is well, all of my needs will always be met, and I will be guided to my next right action.

I dream of a world where we continue to be present. A world where we live in a place of peace and harmony. A world where we take guided action as need be but otherwise leave the rest up to the universe. A world where we trust in a force greater than us, and a world where we show up for our lives.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.   

I’ve blogged once a week for approximately five years. That’s . . . a lot of blogposts. I realize some of you have been reading “Another World is Probable” from the beginning, but quite a few of you haven’t. There are some gems in my archives that I want to highlight and even if you’ve read it before, I figure we can all use a reminder every now and again. I know I could. So, here in its entirety is a post from April 2010:

I used to believe I had to “conquer” my fears. I used to be of the mindset I had to squash doubt flat, or wrestle with my other issues until I won. That I had to assert my will and come out the victor. I realized a while ago that’s not the case at all.

In January I wrote a journal entry I’ve been meaning to share but haven’t yet:

Jan. 27, 2010
I realized tonight this fear is not mine, it doesn’t belong to me. I’ve been trying to take ownership of it. To claim it. To bust through it. To work around it. But it’s like a blind man getting caught tangled in a cloak. I’ve been trying to chew holes in it and rip it apart, but ultimately can’t get rid of it until I just take it off, recognizing it doesn’t belong to me. Because it doesn’t. There’s no use in trying to work with or tame fear – it can’t be tamed. Only released. It was never mine to begin with. It always belonged to God so I give it back to its rightful owner, where God can transmute it into love. That was never my responsibility. My only job was to let it go, to surrender.

I don’t know why this picture makes me think “transcendence” but it does.

While that particular journal entry was about fear I think it can apply to anything and everything. I don’t ever really “work through” my issues so much as release them. Some people would say to me, “Yes, but Rebekah, the only way to get rid of a fear like public speaking is to just go out and do it. Take a class and practice.” I would say let’s take a look at what’s really going on. What happens when we practice something like public speaking? We decide it’s not as scary as we thought. Because we’re doing what scares us, we realize it’s not so bad. We release the fear in our mind. So again, the point of power, the point of change, is in the mind, not the action.

Whenever I talk about surrender and release someone invariably says to me, “Yes but you still have to do stuff. You can’t just sit around.” Sometimes I think we confuse surrender and avoidance. Avoidance is fear-based. When I avoid something it’s because I’m afraid, I don’t want to do it, whatever. If I were to say, “I surrender my fear of public speaking,” and then refuse to speak in public whenever I’m given the opportunity, that’s not really surrendering the fear, is it? That’s avoidance.

Surrender means to release, to let go, to no longer fight. When I surrender fear and doubt I release them to love. I give them to infinite love. I no longer wrestle with them using my ego, or the willful part of me. The part of me that thinks I handle everything by myself, the part of me that thinks I am separate from everyone and everything else. Essentially the part of me that disconnects from all-pervasive love.

When I surrender, when I release, when I let go, I transcend all those issues. I transcend my little “I” and my little “I” issues and instead remember all is love. Instead I remember I am love incarnate.

I dream of a world where instead of “working” on our issues we just let them go. A world where we remember we are divine, magnificent beings, and our true nature is love. A world where we see ourselves for who we really are – embodiments of love. A world where we transcend all that is unlike love and live in a place of peace and harmony.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.