Another World is Probable

I like to know the future and at the same time I don't like to know the future. Most people don't realize this about me but I get incredibly angry when someone tells me what will happen in my life. A button gets pushed and I want to retort, "How the hell should you know?" The funny thing is I have this response even if I've paid someone to tell me my future. Even if I'm trusting they will know, there is something deep and primal in me that growls and says, "You're wrong." And you know? I'm right.

In all the years I've spoken to psychics and intuitive readers they have never been right about anything, unless they predicted something within the next few weeks to a month. If they said, "The way you communicate will change," they were spot on. If they said, "You'll start dating someone by Valentine's Day," they were wrong. This blogpost is not to lambast psychics or intuitive readers — for some people they are amazingly accurate — instead, it's a springboard to talk about fate and free will.

If you asked me years ago I would have said I believe in a combination of fate and free will — that some things are fated but most are free will. Or certain free will choices I make launch me into a "fated" trajectory because for every action there is a reaction. After all, that's the basic law of the universe and also how I understand karma. What I'm noticing though is I believe less and less in fate and more and more in free will. My experience with future tellers demonstrates my life is unpredictable and no one knows what will happen next. I'm not sure how I feel about that.

On the one hand, I want my life to be neat and tidy, I want to follow a plan and connect the dots from one event to another. I so want my life to be fated and to feel the comfort that comes along with following a map. On the other hand, my visceral response is, "I chart my own destiny and ain't nobody gonna tell me what to do." I'm little bit of rebel in that way I guess.

How does that fit with all my talk of déjà vu and signs? How do I square all this free will stuff with the very important occurrence of déjà vu? Just last night while talking with my friends I had a flash of, "I've experienced this before." My best friend has a gorgeous explanation for déjà vu that I won't be able to do justice, but I'll do my best. He once drew a map for me of squiggly lines and detours, a veritable spider spinning its web while on crack. There was nothing orderly about it. He drew nodes, or circles, at certain points on the web and said, "Those circles are déjà vu. They're intersecting points of one path or trajectory with another. They're an option to change direction or keep going." In that context déjà vu is an important point where our life comes together.

I think about this a lot because I'm scared of "going off track." Like if I miss my train that means I won't meet a promoter who falls in love with my book and wants to spread its message to the masses. However, what I know to be true, what I wrote about for Quarterlette.com, what I've seen evidence of, is opportunity doesn't knock once, it will beat down your door. So maybe fate is like that scene from Groundhog Day where Bill Murray tries to save that old homeless man and he dies anyway — the circumstances surrounding the old man's death are different, but the outcome is always the same. Maybe there are certain events that will happen no matter what and everything else is free will. One thing is clear though, the future is not decided.

I dream of a world where we understand we can change the world, we can change the future, where nothing is set in stone. A world where we grasp our destiny by the hands and steer ourselves where we want to go. A world where we accept what we cannot avoid and work to change the rest.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.    

I didn’t think so many song lyrics would make their way into my blog but here they are! On Friday I dance walked to Brett Dennen’s song “Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know” and was struck by how appropriate it is right now.

Give it a listen:

The parts I love the most are, “Darlin’ do not fear what you don’t really know because it won’t last, your worries will pass, all your troubles they don’t stand a chance,” and, “Sometimes your path is marked in the sky, sometimes it fails to fit in between the lines.” Sing it Brett!

I am in two emotional places right now. In one, I am relieved because my worries have passed for the time being. I’m living in a huge house on the outskirts of Washington, D.C. with friends, there is no loud bass music blaring, no yippy dogs, no obnoxious neighbors, and for the first time in a long while I feel financially healthy because I’m not paying rent. Woo! Yes! Life is good! I have escaped from the bowels of hell that has been my life since August of 2011 and I’ve started taking a tincture to reset my nervous system (that’s the real miracle right there).

Brett’s other song lyric about how sometimes your path is marked in the sky and sometimes it fails to fit in between the lines is apt because, well, who would have thunk I’d be back on the East Coast? Certainly not me. I don’t plan on being here long term, but it’s certainly nice as a rest stop (ba-dum ching). The other emotional state I’m in is anxious, not so much about the future, but rather wading into things I know nothing about. If you want to see me clam up tighter than a barnacle clinging to a ship, throw something completely new at me and ask me to forge ahead. For instance, sales and marketing of my book. You want me to do what now? Please excuse me while I flap my arms around and hyperventilate. Brett is asking me to not fear what I don’t really know. My amazing life coach also reminded me of some tools to use when my inner barnacle makes an appearance:

• Bring out the warrior in me to activate my courageous side
• Remember everything is an expression of an infinite loving consciousness, and thus I don’t need to attach to any outcomes. Let go and let God, as it were.
• Have compassion for myself. Honor my feelings, acknowledge I’m scared, and let myself know it’s OK.
• Ask for divine presence, whether that’s angels, God, a mysterious force, a feeling, whatever, to help me feel I’m not so alone
• Contemplate, “What’s the worst that can happen?”

I feel better already! I don’t need to fear the unknown because I have a toolkit to help with it all. And maybe you have a few tools to add. Let me know in the comments.

I dream of a world where we are in the ease and flow of life. A world where we dismantle our fears in a healthy, loving way. A world where we express joy and recognize our worries will pass, our troubles don’t stand a chance. A world where we don’t fear what we don’t really know.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

I am very self-willful (some would say controlling) in that I want things to go a certain way. I want people to call me back when I want them to; I want the world to revolve around my needs. Train delays? Miscommunication? No good.

Thankfully, I no longer stay in my controlling state for long because I recognize the futility of it. Instead, I've allowed myself to surrender to the process. To give up my tight grip and accept life on life's terms.

Many of you know I'm currently in Washington, D.C. for a spell (three months or so). The reason I'm here is because if I'd continued with my way of life in San Francisco I would have had a nervous breakdown. I don't mean the tie-me-up-in-a-strait-jacket kind of nervous breakdown, I mean the my-nervous-system-is-so-shot-I-can-barely-function kind.

I aspire to be like this guy.

It's only been a short time since I left SF but I can already feel the difference — I'm not in as much fear, I don't startle as easily, and I'm becoming more tolerant of noises. (More being the operative word here.)

I'm not sure what I want to express in this post except that it's important to let go of our wants sometimes in order to receive what we need. It would be very easy for me to lament I no longer live in San Francisco, to continue to compare my life here with the one I left behind, but then I miss out on all the good D.C. has to offer. The more I compare, the more I resist the flow of life. And the flow of life is taking me to good places. For one, I am incredibly blessed that my friends have made it easy to come back to the East Coast. It's been a smooth transition in that whenever I go to parties a whole roomful of people are excited to see me, and there's nothing sweeter than that.

There are so many benefits to being here for now, it's important for me to stay here now, meaning live where my feet are. I have no idea what the next few months will bring (I never do) but I find especially in uncertain times I need to surrender to the process. To give myself over to the divine mystery and accept there are forces at work that I don't fully understand. I don't have to have all the answers. I don't have to plan the minutia of my life. I only have to let go of my will to see all the options before me.

I dream of a world where we let go. A world where we give into the process of life. A world where we accept we don't always know what's best for us. A world where we take life as it comes and trust it will take us where we need to go next.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

Every so often I notice my blogposts take on a certain theme; they'll build off of each other. Lately I've been talking about self-care and treating myself the way I treat others. While listening to an interview with Christine Arylo I realized all of these separate pieces come under the umbrella of self-love. See, I used to think self-love meant looking in the mirror and saying, "I love you." But I have to tell you, even after years of doing so I haven't noticed much difference. I mean, there are some subtle changes in how I view myself but I still don't feel as if I love myself fully. When I heard Christine's interview the penny finally dropped.

Christine says self-love is about more than affirmations. In fact, there are 10 branches of self-love: self-acceptance, self-care, self-trust, self-awareness, self-compassion and forgiveness, self-empowerment, self-honor and respect, self-esteem, self-expression, and self-pleasure. Like branches of a tree, these parts of self-love feed into self-worth, the root of self-love. Here, I'll show you a nifty picture she drew:

After hearing all of this, it made sense why I've felt as if I'm missing something. My self-esteem, self-awareness, and self-expression branches have been massive. Believing I can accomplish anything I set my mind to? Check. Having knowledge of who I am and what I'm good at? Check. Self-expressive? Double check. The others though? Not so much. I can't really profess that I love myself until I take equal care of all those self-love branches.

Why am I dithering on about self-love? I operate under the belief the outside world is a reflection of my internal one. The more I love myself the more loving people show up in my life. The more I take care of myself the more I can take care of others. Self-love may seem selfish (and Christine addresses that in her book Madly in Love with Me) but honestly, how on Earth are we supposed to love other people if we don't even know what it means to love ourselves? How can I show up for other people if I can't fully show up for myself?

This topic of self-love has become so important to me in the past few years because as I get older I realize no one will be able to love me the way I want to be loved. The amount of love I want is infinite and no finite human being will be able to give that to me. I'm not even sure I can give that to me but I'm much more suited to it than anyone else. Also, I have to be honest here — people drift in and out of my life. No one is with me all the time except for me, so really, the only love I can depend on 100% of the time is the love I have for myself and the love the universe has for me. And really, why would I want to put such an essential and basic human need solely in the hands of someone else? I'd much rather balance loving myself and having others love me. I can't get all the love I need from other people nor can I get all the love I need from myself.  

If this blogpost sounds like a ringing endorsement of Christine's book, it is. She has practical tips and activities for how we can love ourselves more. I enjoy how in depth her book is because the stuff I've been doing only works to a degree. I don't want a degree, I want the whole shebang. So in reference to the title of this post, what's love got to do with it? Everything.

I dream of a world where we all love ourselves fully. A world where we understand to love ourselves is to love others. A world where we fill up our self-love cup and allow it to run over. A world where we water every branch of the self-love tree. A world where we show up for ourselves because we deserve it.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

This post has been a year in the making so it’s fitting it will be my last post of 2012 (probably). “Living in reality” has been the theme for me this year. There is so much I wanted to believe, so much I hoped for, that hasn’t come true. I’ve spent most of this year feeling heartbroken and sad because my fantasies came crashing down around my head. But that’s a good thing.

It’s a good thing because instead of being in denial, or waiting for the day xyz will happen, I’m addressing what’s here, now. Fantasy has been a huge part of my life. I used to get lost in my head dreaming about the future. It was my coping mechanism as a child and I needed it to survive. But now I’m an adult and it no longer serves me to fantasize because it means I miss out on all the good stuff that’s here before me. Living in reality means I’m no longer comparing what’s in front of me with the dream in my mind.

You might be perplexed reading this when my blog is called “Another World is Probable.” Isn’t my whole blog one big idealistic fantasy? No, it is not. My dreams for a new world may be somewhat of a fantasy but I see seeds of those dreams in the everyday world. There exists unconditional love and heroism in the here and now. I think of Victoria Soto who died while saving her students from a shooter. I think of the principal of Sandy Hook elementary school who also died trying to wrest the gun from the shooter. This is real life.

It’s tempting for sensitive souls and spiritualists to say, “Let’s pray about this and visualize a better world,” and have that be the end of it. I agree, let’s pray and visualize a better world, but let’s also do something. Let’s also invest in mental health care, let’s notice who’s around us and what they’re doing. Let’s listen to each other and take action when others are suffering. We can’t keep living in a fantasy about “the good ole days” or dreaming of the future when something a psychic predicted will come to pass. It doesn’t matter what life was like 50 years ago, or what it will be like 50 years ahead. What matters is reality. I’m not saying we should all start miring in the darkness, lamenting how awful things are. I’m suggesting we take stock of what’s before us and keep hoping for the best.

I would much rather acknowledge the good things in this world than fantasizing about something better. There are so many beautiful things in reality. People sacrificing their lives for someone else. Neighbors helping each other in time of need. Little children who squeal with delight when they see their favorite cup.

When I wrote about “children who squeal with delight when they see their favorite cup” I was thinking of this picture. So stinking cute!

I’m not sure what I’m driving at except that I see the wisdom of accepting things as they are while also trying to change the things we can. I think maybe Howard Zinn sums it up best:

“An optimist isn’t necessarily a blithe, slightly sappy whistler in the dark of our time. To be hopeful in bad times is not just foolishly romantic. It is based on the fact that human history is a history not only of cruelty, but also of compassion, sacrifice, courage, kindness. What we choose to emphasize in this complex history will determine our lives. If we see only the worst, it destroys our capacity to do something. If we remember those times and places — and there are so many — where people behaved magnificently, this gives us energy to act, and at least the possibility of sending this spinning top of a world in a different direction.”

But I think first and foremost this comes about by living in reality and seeing what’s here, now.

I dream of a world where we live in reality while also striving for something better. A world where we see the beauty of what is. A world where we celebrate our triumphs and lament our failures. A world where we live in the here and now while also seeing infinite possibilities for the future.

Another world is not only possible, it’s probable.

I didn't blog last week because I was terribly sick, nor the week before because I was in Chicago for work. My reasons for not doing so fit in with the theme of this post as well as the last one I wrote, "Radical Self-Care."

My best friend pointed out to me that I would never treat other people the way I've been treating myself (i.e. pushing too hard, being critical, etc.). It made me think of the golden rule, "Treat others as you'd like to be treated." In this case it's more of the reverse, "Treat yourself the way you treat others." I'm very good at being loving with the people in my life but I'm not so good at being loving toward myself. I don't beam love to myself the way I do to others. I don't pamper myself or treat myself the way I do my friends. It's not because I'm being malicious or punishing myself, it's because I really hadn't given it much thought until I came down with the "plague." (I actually don't know what illness I have. All I know is I'm SICK.)

A golden ruler! I couldn't resist this image.

The most important realization I had this week is there are many parts to me and they all want to be loved. I've been saying affirmations for years but they've been directed at the adult me and she's easy to love. She's bold and fun and smart and adventurous. It's easy to say, "I love you," in the mirror to her because I mean it. But as I've written about before, I have an inner child and she's the one who needs love the most. She is needy and clingy and never feels like there's enough love for her.

My inner child is shy and quiet and wants to disappear. She's scared of people, places, and things. My inner child is the one who needs my care and attention. The one who my affirmations need to be aimed at. Do I like to admit these things? No I do not, but I'm writing this post in case there are others out there like me who feel like they never get enough love and they don't understand why. The people who've been saying affirmations for years and are puzzled why they still get so anxious about relationships. The people who could say, "I love you" to themselves all day and not have it make a difference. Perhaps it's because the affirmations are not being directed at the right you.

I know, I know, affirmations are cheesy and sometimes feel ridiculous, so what's the point of saying them? I say them because I don't like feeling anxious. I don't like clinging to people or boarding the bus to crazy town. The external world is a projection of the internal one and I want both worlds to be awesome. I want to feel whole and complete and loved. I want to give myself the endless supply of love I so desperately crave so I don't keep turning to an unsustainable source. The love I want is infinite and no finite person will be able to meet my demand except for me. I am the only person who knows how I feel all the time so that's why I say affirmations, because I need them and because I want to feel at peace.   

To the parts of you and me that are "unlovable" and "unattractive." The parts that no one gets to see because they remain hidden. The parts that desperately want attention but so rarely get it. To you I say, "I love you SO much. I send you nothing but unconditional love and sweetness. You deserve to be loved as much as everyone else." I hope you'll join me in saying it too.

I dream of a world where we all love the parts of us that are deemed hard to love. A world where we treat ourselves the way we treat others. A world where we say affirmations to the parts that need them the most. A world brimming over with love for all of us. A world where we really understand what it means to live the golden rule.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.  

Last week I decided very unexpectedly to leave San Francisco for a few months, much to my dismay. I mentioned in my last post I have maladaptive stress syndrome, which if I'm not careful could lead to chronic fatigue. It became very clear to me I need to take drastic measures to take care of myself. This is INCREDIBLY difficult because I don't typically prioritize self-care (obviously) and now I'm required to make a major change in order to heal myself.

Part of the issue for me about this is I don't want to stand out. I don't want to be the only person at the potluck who is eating spaghetti sauce without the spaghetti because I'm allergic to gluten. I don't want to be the person who is dancing at half-speed because going too fast feels draining. I don’t want to be the person who has to take a nap at 4 p.m. everyday but I am. I did all those things this weekend.

At this point I'm realizing it doesn't matter if I look stupid or people notice me or judge me. I have to take care of my physical body and make that a top priority. I can no longer afford to worry about other people because I have to worry about me. Sometimes you have to go against the flow in order to do that. And sometimes you have to do things you don't like in order to take care of yourself.

Screenshot from Salmon Fishing in the Yemen. Sometimes you have to go against the flow.

As much as I want to stay in San Francisco right now I cannot. I need a quiet place to rest and relax. San Francisco is many things but it's not quiet or relaxing. Yes, I have so many friends and friends who are like family here. In fact, I'm writing this right now from the living room of beloved friends. I have to say goodbye to them for a while in order to take care of myself. I'm lucky in that I'm going to Washington, D.C. (where I'm going to stay) I've lived before so I already have an established community. I've wanted to go back and visit so this seems like as good a time as any.

It's sad for me to say goodbye but I know I have to for my self-care because sometimes radical measures are required.

I dream of a world where we prioritize our wellness. A world where we do what it requires to take care of ourselves. A world where we understand sometimes we have to do things we don't like, but in the end it's always worth it.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

I've been in the midst of a housing search once again so I've frantically checked craigslist looking for something suitable. I spoke to my dad the other day, describing to him an apartment and he said, "Rebekah, don't say yes impulsively."

"What do you mean? I said yes impulsively for my apartment on Post St. and that was great."
"But you also said yes to your other places and look how that worked out," he retorted.
Touché.

I told him (and myself) I said yes despite my reservations and that's why my other places didn't work out. My intuition knew they weren't right for me but I said yes out of desperation.

An artistic rendering of intuition.

Having that conversation with my dad I realized that's a big part of what this housing drama has been about — I feel desperate to find a place to live because I want to be settled and I say yes because everything looks good on paper and I'm letting my logical mind overpower my intuition. For instance, I booked a room on Airbnb.com and felt a little uneasy about the place. "Will it be quiet? Will I be able to sleep well?"

I read the reviews and everyone said they had a great night's sleep, the place was quiet and cozy, so despite my wariness I booked it. The studio apartment is in someone's garage so that means insulation between the floor and ceiling is practically nonexistent. That means I can hear when the owners upstairs cough, have conversations, and snore. It's no big deal for regular San Francisco tourists who aren't home much, but I'm not on vacation so I'm here all the time. I also fully admit the problem is me. I was diagnosed with maladaptive stress syndrome, which means my adrenal glands are super dysfunctional and explains all the symptoms I've been having for the past year.

The key point though is I knew there was something I wouldn't like about the place but because I was feeling desperate I ignored my inner guidance. It's easier for me to trust my gut about stuff like, "Walk down this street," or "Talk to this person," but a bajillion times harder when I'm desperate and fearful, when there's a looming deadline in front of me.

The lesson I'm learning (over and over again) this year is HAVE FAITH. Scared you won't find someplace to live and you have to be out by a certain date? Don't settle for the first thing that crosses your path, especially if you have misgivings about it. Trust that you will be provided for, that you are taken care of, and that all of your needs will be met. I'm not saying I'll immediately be able to say yes to intuition and no to fear when I'm desperate, but I am saying I recognize that's what I'm doing and I'm willing to change my behavior. That for today I will trust my internal guidance and say yes only if I mean it 100 percent.

I dream of a world where we trust our intuition even when it's scary. A world where we keep going with our internal guidance even if it sounds like the most horrible idea. A world where we stay in the ebb and flow of life knowing that it's important to turn up the volume on intuition and turn down the volume on the ego.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.

I can't believe I'm typing this but I'm seriously considering going back to Washington, D.C. for a little while. A friend of mine offered to let me stay in her house where she has a second bedroom and a basement for as long as I need. All of my stuff is in storage in SF and I'm having so much trouble finding a place to live, so it's an option.

One of the things holding me back is the idea I will be regressing or going backward. If you know me well or have been following this blog, you'll know I moved to San Francisco from Washington, D.C. To go back almost seems as if I'm regressing.

What I'm reminding myself of is going back to a place I lived before doesn't mean I'm traveling back in time or moving backward. A physical place is just that — a physical place. I am not the same person I was when I lived there and nor would my life look the same. Yes, it's clear I don't want to live in D.C. for a long period of time, but for a few months? Would that really be so bad?

This whole thing also brings up the notion of my plan versus my higher power's plan. To me, moving forward means never going back. It means once I've left a place it's in the dust, I'll never return. But my higher power/the Universe/whatever doesn’t see things in such a black and white way. Nor are things always so straightforward. Life moves in crazy circles and offshoots and k-turns and not the straightforward trajectory I think it does.

I guess I'm saying just because we go back to a place we've been before — either literally or figuratively — doesn't mean we're backsliding. It doesn't mean we're not growing as people, and it doesn't mean we're not right where we're supposed to be. Just because we didn't expect to be in that spot doesn't mean it's not a part of the process because sometimes going backward can really mean we're moving forward.

I dream of a world where we understand forward movement may look like we're backsliding sometimes. A world where we imbibe the idea sometimes it's necessary to return to somewhere we've been before. A world where we embrace change in all of its mysterious manifestations. A world where we understand backward can be forward.

Another world is not only possible, it's probable.